


Bring Us Back Into The Light

by MyChemicalFallOutBoyRomance



Series: The Demolition Lovers [2]
Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Adult Content, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Blow Jobs, Developing Relationship, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Exhibitionism, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff, Frerard, Friends With Benefits, Gay Sex, Good Old Fashioned Fucking, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Minor Violence, Romance, Secret Relationship, Semi-Public Sex, Sequel, Sexual Content, Smut, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-03-30 20:43:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 65,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13959636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyChemicalFallOutBoyRomance/pseuds/MyChemicalFallOutBoyRomance
Summary: Frank Iero meets the perfect man, except for one small thing... Gerard Way is broken.Frank is determined to fix him and make Gerard his in the process.Is Gerard as unrepairable as he thinks? Can Frank convince him that their unconventional relationship can ever be anything more?'Bring Us Back Into The Light' is the second part of 'The Demonlition Lovers' series.Please note - you need to have read 'These Thoughts Of Endless Night' before reading this otherwise nothing is going to make sense!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Frnk_lover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frnk_lover/gifts).



> Hi, sweeties!
> 
> Look at me, just cracing under peer pressure this week!
> 
> You asked for it so here it is! Bring Us Back Into The Light is the sequel literally nobody wanted ;)  
> It's basically These Thoughts Of Endless Night but from Frank's perespective this time so you can see just what that poor guy went through.  
> It's probably only worth reading if you really liked These Thoughts Of Endless Night, it does give you more insight into Frank's life and why he made the choices he did.  
> If you haven't read These Thoughts Of Endless Night then pleae don't start this - not only will it ruin the first fic for you but none of this will make any sense!
> 
> This one is gifted to frnk-lover (who frustratingly doesn't have an actual account??) because they have supported me for so long. They loved These Thoughts Of Endless Night so much and really wanted this one to exist so here it is, sweetie, enjoy xx
> 
> I'm gonna try to update as regular as I can, a couple of times a week is my aim. Feel free to drop me a comment here or hmu on Twitter @MCFOBR with your feedback!

I've never been short of confidence; being a lead singer demands a fair amount of showmanship especially when most of the crowds you play to are hostile, drunk rock fans in cheap, grubby bars. That's why I had no problem approaching Gerard that night.

 

The diner wasn’t busy but I knew it was going to pick up so I told Lindsey I was going to take a quick break for a smoke. She nodded and turned her attention back to making drinks. It was only when I got into the back alley, unofficial smoking place of all the staff, that I realised I didn’t have any cigarettes with me.

My disappointment didn’t last long though – enter Gerard.

He was only a little taller than me, dressed all in black with a bright red tie exactly like the one around my neck. His long black hair perfectly framed his pale face. God, his face. His face was devastatingly beautiful; his eyes were the most stunning shade but tinged with sadness. His full lips were moulded around an unlit cigarette and before I could stop the thought, I imagined how they would feel wrapped around my cock.

He didn't seem to notice me but he was close enough that two or three steps would put me by his side. I knew I had to speak to him and the chance of a smoke was the perfect reason. I walked the short distance to his side and he still didn't notice me.

“Man, can I get one of those?” I said hopefully.

His reaction had me checking I hadn’t screamed my demand in his face then slapped him; Gerard almost physically leapt into the air in shock, his head spinning instantly to face me and his hand shaking so bad he dropped whatever he was holding.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you,” I apologised, working to make my voice soft. I stooped and snatched up his dropped item; a box of matches.

“It’s fine,” I heard him say, his voice so light and sweet it was like syrup being poured into my ear. 

“You don’t have a lighter?” Smooth work, Frank. Obviously he didn’t because I was holding his fucking matches. 

“I prefer the taste of match struck,” he said in that same honey drenched voice. It’s bullshit, they don’t taste any different to me, but I found his quirk cute.

“You know you shouldn’t inhale the first puff anyway. Too many chemicals either way from butane or whatever’s in these,” I told him with a smile. He didn’t seem to like it though.

“Pretty sure it’s smoking the whole thing that’s bad for me,” Gerard said in a blank tone. He shoved his hand out towards me, clearly wanting his matches back but the movement seemed off; it was almost robotic, stiff and absentminded.

“Probably,” I agreed with a smile so he didn’t think it was being a jackass about his smoking habits. I wasn’t prepared to let him go though, so I took a match and lit it for him. Gerard looked horrified at my action but bent his head to the flame anyway, clearly in need of the nicotine.

I didn’t miss his deliberate inhale as he sucked on the cigarette in a way that had me thinking about my cock again. He blew the smoke out, purposely aiming it towards my face and I laughed; the sassy little look on his face felt like the first real thing I’d seen from him.

“So… you got a spare?” I asked him, not wanting our interaction to be over; I was completely fascinated by him.

“Sorry, it’s my last one.”

“Damn. And I’ve got another couple of hours to work too.” I wasn’t sure if I was more disappointed about the lack of cigarettes or that there wasn’t a reason to hang around longer.

“If I had another then it would have your name on it,” I heard him say softly. He had thrown me a life line and I wasn’t going to ignore it.

“If I had my way every cigarette would say ‘Frank’ on it.” It was the truth but also the perfect way to slip my name into the conversation. 

“You know, maybe this one has half your name on?” Gerard said like he wasn’t really sure himself.

“Yeah? It’d be awesome if it did,” I said quickly, secretly thrilled that he seemed to be warming to me. He backed up his words by holding the cigarette towards me so I grabbed it from between his fingers and stuck it in my own mouth.

The first inhale was pure bliss; I hadn’t realised how badly I needed the nicotine hit. I was also a little jazzed to have my lips resting where his had been seconds before.

“Thanks, man. I really needed this,” I said genuinely. I offered him the cigarette back as I exhaled and he all but snatched it from my grasp. I figured he was probably nicotine starved too but he didn’t smoke, just looked at the cigarette in his hand. 

“What was your name again?” I said to break him out of his trance. Okay, I really wanted to know it too and it didn’t seem like he was going to offer it.

“G-G-Gerard,” he stammered and it warmed my heart seeing how nervous he suddenly was. I found it hard to imagine he had a problem with flirting or being hit on; surely it happened every second of every day to him. I wondered if I had misjudged the situation; maybe he wasn’t gay.

“And you work some place that got a bulk discount on red ties too?” I said then gave a quick pull on his tie, flirty but I needed to work out if he was interested.

“Yeah, I guess.” I couldn’t get any indication from his tone of voice so I studied his face instead. 

My initial thought was that he was in some kind of physical pain but then I noticed the very edges of his mouth were moving upwards. He was trying to smile but it looked like his face had forgotten how, the muscles not really obeying his wishes. It only made him more appealing to my artistic, musical side. A tortured soul that needed rescuing.

“Didn’t think anyone would willingly choose to wear this. You look good in it though, it looks better with a black shirt than white,” the truth again but I also wanted him to know I hadn’t missed his attempt at smiling. Encouraged, I took our shared cigarette back for another pull.

There was a perceptible change in Gerard, a slow crimson blush rose on his high, pale cheekbones. I could tell he was being guarded, so... unwilling isn't really the right word, protected maybe. But there was something shining though… his real personality I hoped.

“The white looks good… on you,” his voice was so unsure that I couldn’t tell if he was trying to flirt back or if he was just being polite.

“Thanks. My ex always said it made me look like some rat ass junior office clerk. But then he was a total fucking dick so…” I left the sentence hanging there, no harm in dropping in that I was single and gay. Bert had never actually said that to me but he’d said enough shit that it sounded like it could be true… and he was a dick.

“You’re better off without,” Gerard said as he took the cigarette back from me and inhaled deeply. Still wasn’t sure if he was being polite or not.

“You’re telling me.” I hadn’t thought about Bert in a long time before then but the memory made my skin crawl. Gerard provided a welcome distraction though and held out what was left of our cigarette towards me. “Nah, it was yours, you finish it.”

I really did want the last drag but it didn’t seem fair; Gerard had shared with me when he didn’t have to and I didn’t want him thinking I was only after him for his nicotine.

“I can buy more on my way home, you’ve still gotta work, right?” Gerard shocked me by moving closer to me and offering the cigarette again, it was braver than I expected from him.

“If you’re sure,” I said as I took the stub from him, purposely catching his finger with mine just to feel his skin. 

When the cigarette left his grasp the facade he had been trying so hard to keep in place crumbled, his face sagging back into a resigned, stark sadness. Something tugged inside my chest; I felt as sad as he looked, as though his emotions were somehow directly linked to mine.

“Maybe there’s enough here to share,” I said quickly, not wanting him to look so devastated anymore. I checked out what was left, not much at all.

“There’s barely a drag left in it,” Gerard rightly pointed out. I barely registered it though, I’d already figured out a way we could share one drag… and I just had to feel his lips.

“Yeah, I know. We could still share it though.” 

I inhaled as much of the cigarette as I could before firing the stub away. I didn’t really give him enough time to realise my intention. I looked into his eyes and I couldn't see anything except a deep, ingrained sadness and a touch of anticipation so I took hold of his chin with one hand then pressed my lips against his.

He didn't react at all so I pushed my luck further, his mouth was already open a fraction so I blew softly letting some of the smoke pass into his mouth. Gerard still didn't react but my body was on fire. I couldn't believe those glorious lips were on mine. I had hoped it would turn into something more, but Gerard did a great job impersonating an ice sculpture so I let him go.

“See? Told you we could share,” I said lightly, trying to hide my disappointment that he hadn’t responded in the way I really wanted.

“Yeah… I guess you did,” Gerard muttered, his tone telling me the experience hadn’t been as magical for him as it had been for me. I remember thinking I’d called it wrong then. His awkward posture and sudden love affair with his own shoes only meant one thing to me; he wasn’t interested in men.

“Thanks for the smoke, man. I better get back to work,” I said, some of my defeated feelings slipping through into my voice.

“No problem,” I heard him murmur. 

I gave Gerard one last longing look before I slipped back into the diner through the side door.


	2. Chapter 2

Lindsey was mad with me when I got back; I could tell from the set of her lips and the way she stuck her hands on her hips when she saw me slipping back behind the counter.

“You weren’t in the break room,” she said sharply.

“I know. I went for some air,” I said with a smile, trying to diffuse her awful mood.

“Not fresh air,” she wrinkled her nose as she spoke and I knew she could somehow smell the lingering cigarette smoke on me.

“Sorry, Linds. I washed my hands and had a mint. Even sprayed some cologne from my locker.”

“You’re gonna get fired if you carry on,” she said seriously. She was wrong though, everyone smokes on shift, it’s just that Lindsey doesn’t like it and I’d left her short handed for too long; the place really had filled up.

“Here, let me help,” I tried to prise the used glasses she was holding from her hands as I spoke but she had a firm grasp on them.

“It’s fine,” she said in a tone that meant it really wasn’t.

“Just give me them, I can fix… a soda and iced tea,” I guessed from peering at the remaining liquid.

“Whatever,” she said with a sigh, letting me take the glasses. “It’s for table seventeen.”

I nodded at her then reflexively glanced over to the table. I took a second look when I realised who was sat there; ‘not-gay’ Gerard from the alley… with a man. That was a surprise.

“I’ll take the table from you for the night,” I said to Lindsey.

“I don’t think so. You can’t just pick the tables with the cute guys, Frank.” Lindsey rolled her eyes at me and shoved my arm; I was forgiven.

“Neither can you.” I shovelled ice into the glasses then started to pour the drinks.

“They sat in my section,” she said with a smug grin.

“Come on, be a doll,” I called after her as she headed back to the hotplate for more food.

I finished the drinks and headed over to Gerard’s table. I didn’t have a definitive plan but I wanted to see him again, let him know I was still interested if he was gay. And I was in luck, it sounded like they were arguing. I reached the table and held the drinks out.

“Can you stop?” Gerard snapped and I froze. Wow, rude.

“Sorry, was you not ready for these?” I said as politely as I could manage, trying to stay professional. Gerard jumped at my voice then turned to look at me, his cheeks already starting to colour.

“What? No, I mean, yes. Sorry,” he stumbled over his words and I realised he hadn’t been speaking to me.

“Okay. Iced tea?” I had my eyes on Gerard when I spoke but he didn’t respond to my words so I placed the drink on the table then the soda in front of him. He smiled, just slightly and it confused me more. I asked if there was anything else they needed.

“Don’t think so. Gee?” I barely heard the first part of the sentence; I was too surprised by the shortened version of Gerard’s name. It suited him, much more than ‘Gerard’ did.

“I’m good,” Gerard said with another shy smile for me.

 

The diner really was busy and I ended up lending a hand in the kitchen for a good chunk of the night. I couldn’t even wait on my own tables, never mind the one I promised Lindsey. I had intended to keep a check on Gerard periodically but when I saw his booth was empty, his companion standing in the ridiculously long queue to pay, I realised how much time had slipped by.

“Just grabbing a quick break,” I yelled to the chef as I practically ran out of the kitchen. I saw Gerard heading out of the front door and I swiftly followed him. 

“Hey, you got a sec?” I called before he could walk away. I didn’t have a clue what I was going to say, I just knew I needed to speak to him; I was so drawn to him, even then.

For once, Gerard didn’t flinch at my voice. He turned and looked at me curiously, still smiling but also a little hesitant.

“Hi. Yeah, of course.”

“I just wanted to apologise,” I blurted out. I knew I’d probably made his night harder than necessary by serving his drinks after what had happened and I didn’t want him to think I was a complete dick; apology was the way to go.

“For what?” Gerard’s tone was inquisitive, soft. I didn’t want to explain how I’d thought he was gay and then not and then gay again when I saw him at the table so I went with a more suitable reason.

“I didn’t realise you was with that guy. I wouldn’t have pulled that stunt with the cigarette if I knew. Probably wouldn’t have convinced Lindsey to switch tables with me either,” as I spoke I realised how out of line I really had been. My behaviour was incredibly presumptuous and could have landed Gerard in some hot water; I’d never intended that.

“No, no. It’s okay. He’s just my brother,” Gerard said quickly. My initial instinct was that he was lying, they looked nothing alike, but then he had no reason to.

“Really?” I hoped it was true but no harm in double checking.

“Really.” Gerard almost smirked at me then; a sexy little curl of his lip had my heart thumping.

“So… no boyfriend? Girlfriend? Significant other?” Triple checking to be sure. Gerard flinched when I said ‘girlfriend’ – definitely gay.

“No,” he half whispered.

“Good to know, especially since I owe you half a cigarette.” I turned on the charm, hoping I could convince him to see me again.

“Yeah… I guess, but, you know, don’t worry about it,” Gerard stammered but a little nerves weren’t enough to put me off.

“Well I was thinking if you gave me your number I could give you a call when I’ve got a spare smoke or two.” I pretty much had my hand already in my pocket ready to whip my phone out when Gerard answered me and caused my hand to freeze.

“I don’t think you want my number,” Gerard said with a tinge of sadness. I did - I’d just fucking outright asked him for it! Swing and a miss.

“I get it. If you’re not interested…” I was going to let him off the hook but he cut me off.

“No. Not that. You’re cute and everything,” Gerard said then stopped. Yeah, I knew I was cute. He was fucking hot. I waited for him to make his next point but it never came. His face contorted as he thought about what to say, a shade of that awful grimace from before in his features.

Gerard looked more than sad and it suddenly dawned on me. He was sad, right down deep to his bones. It was more than that though, he was hurting. I couldn’t believe I’d missed it before; it was so obvious that he might as well have been howling in pain, his heart pissing blood on the floor.

Gerard had clearly had a bad relationship, bad enough to shake him to his core. In a weird way it was like he was holding onto it, wrapping himself up the pain and harm like some kind of fucked up security blanket.

It made me depressed to see just how hurt he was. Seeing through his weak façade pulled at my heart and I wanted to make him better. I wanted to see him smile, for real.

“But… ?” I said after too much silence. “Is it because you think I’m a bad kisser? That thing earlier with the smoke wasn’t a real kiss, I can do better.” 

I hoped my words would make him smile but just to be sure I leaned in like I was ready for a fist fight. It worked even better than I imagined; a bubble of laughter burst out of Gerard. It was a real giggle and it overwhelmed me.

I couldn’t stop myself, he was just irresistible when he was so happy. My only regret is that I cut off that glorious sound when I kissed him. Gerard sighed under my lips and I knew he was enjoying it much more than the cigarette sharing.

There was still some reservation behind his kiss though, still some timid part of him finding its way through. I didn’t want to pressure him or make him feel like I was forcing him so I made myself pull away after a few seconds.

“See? I wasn’t trying before but now you know what I can really do,” I kept my voice light so he knew I was carrying on the joke and not proclaiming myself as some kind of kissing god.

“I don’t know…” Gerard said, like the sassy little fucker he really is. I laughed at him, at his change of mood and bravery. Something magical happened then; a real smile. Even though I'd only just met him I somehow knew he had a stronger smile buried deep down but the rush of seeing him finally smile for real was indescribable. 

I had to kiss him again and he let me. I was a little worried when he seemed to only vaguely respond to the pressure and movement of my lips but then I felt one of his hands squeeze my hip.

Well, if he was getting hands involved then I was happy to go along with that. I grabbed a handful of that soft hair and I had to rub his scalp to stop myself tugging on it. I slipped my tongue into his mouth, delighting at the feel of him encouraging me. I had to pull away when he started to moan, I was breathless enough but that was having a serious effect on me.

I let go of his hair so he didn’t feel trapped but his fingers clung to my bones, digging into my hip with a strength that bordered on being painful. It was clear he had no intention of letting me go anywhere.

“Still not convinced?” I teased as I pushed my forehead against his.

“I’m just wishing I had another cigarette,” Gerard said and I definitely agreed.

“So give me your number, I’ll be your dealer,” I wanted to add that I would buy him all the cigarettes in the world but it seemed a bit intense. I fucking would have though.

Gerard pulled this smart ass face then, making this pretence like he was debating my offer. His fingers were still firmly lodged in my hip socket with a force not unlike a surgical clamp so I knew he was faking.

“Okay, okay… one more freebie,” I said with a roll of my eyes, like he was wearing me down.

I didn’t hold back this time, I kissed Gerard like it was my final chance to convince him… to prove I really am a kissing god. It worked, Gerard’s tongue was as frantic as mine. I didn’t remember winding my hand back into his hair but I was pulling it. And when he pulled my hips against his I really lost control; he was hard, as hard as me and I groaned with satisfaction.

Gerard lost a little control too; he was really grinding against me, even slipped his hands on my ass so I couldn’t back away. He was driving me wild, I usually waited until a second date before I did anything more than a goodnight kiss but I couldn't wait. I felt an uncontrollable pull towards Gerard and even though he had given me more than I’d hoped for, it wasn't enough. I wanted more… no, not more; I wanted everything. I pushed against him, assuming it was what he wanted but he made a choking sound then tore his lips away from mine.

“Shit,” I heard him gasp.

“Sorry. Too much?” I asked while I tried to breathe rather than pant. I realised I still had my hand tangled in his hair and our bodies were pressed tight. I tried to step back, give him some space but he was the one holding us together.

“I just needed air,” Gerard said when I looked at him questioningly.

“Yeah. For some reason I’m getting kinda light headed,” I agreed, nudging myself against his groin with a flirty look.

“Can I…?” Gerard’s voice was seductive enough but the unfinished sentence, punctuated by him playing with my belt blew my mind. I know I let out an obscene whine when I realised what Gerard intended… God, I fucking wanted him so bad.

“You know you’re driving me wild and I can’t say no to you, right?” I said, not realising just how true the words really were. Because that is the crux of it all; I’ve never been able to refuse him. I don’t think Gerard really gets how complete his hold over me is.

My words worked and Gerard undid my belt and button then pushed one hand into my pants. I kissed him again when he let his hand slide over me, my underwear providing very little protection from the heat of his palm. I held him close to me, letting my hands press against his back since I didn’t trust myself with his hair.

If Gerard had any shyness left at all it dissolved when he took hold of my hard cock. I couldn't help but pull my mouth away to groan at his touch, it had been a while since I'd been laid and Gerard was ticking all the right boxes.

“That feels so good,” I managed to tell him before kissing him again. I couldn’t get enough of him; his taste, his touch… it was all so intense. It was obvious he was no stranger to sex since he clearly knew what he was doing, moving his hand at just the right pace.

I couldn’t keep my hips still, it wasn’t hard to match his rhythm and fucking into his hand was mind blowing. Other guys have been put off by my overly vocal nature but Gerard seemed to relish every moan under his lips, sometimes responding with a whimper of his own.

I was nearly there, so fucking close. My stomach was full of fire, heat flooding my body when without warning Gerard just stopped. He kept his hand on me but stopped moving it, completely. 

“Fuck. Don’t stop now,” I broke the kiss to beg him but it didn’t make a difference. I kept thrusting, hoping he would get the message or that I could tip myself over the edge but then I heard someone call his name.

“Gerard!” I couldn’t place the voice but it was angry. “What the fuck are you doing?”

Gerard’s eyes were full of unspoken apologies as he pulled his hand out of my pants. I could have cried out in frustration but I settled for emptying my lungs of air; it wasn’t really Gerard’s fault anyway.

I realised we were no longer alone but then it dawned on me that we probably hadn’t ever been. I was at fucking work. I’d only come outside to talk to him but that seemed like a long time ago and in a different place.

“You know you’re stood on the fucking street?” I was already fastening my pants but I could have done with the reminder from Gerard’s brother long before that.

“Calm down, Mikey,” Gerard said in a scarily relaxed voice.

“It’s my fault…” I tried to get Gerard off the hook but Mikey had barely registered that I’d spoken.

“Calm down?! You do realise you are right by a glass window? The window of a very full family diner? His diner?” Mikey flung his long arms in my direction and Gerard stared at me wide eyed with guilt.

“Shit,” I said, remembering we weren’t really out of sight of the building and just how busy the diner was.

“Nobody saw anything, well, except me,” Mikey sounded angry but also a little disgusted.

“Really?” I checked, not concerned about being fired, just that I might have upset the customers.

“Apart from you two making out like a pair of horny teenagers, no. You’re lucky the glass is soundproof though or people might have worked it out,” Mikey’s tone made it clear that he had gotten an earful as well as an eyeful.

“Sorry, Mikey,” Gerard said with genuine feeling.

“Let’s just go.” Mikey didn’t wait for Gerard to answer, he just turned and stalked away with his shoulders hunched and hands in his pockets. I tried to think of a clever line to catch Gerard’s attention, to stop him walking away before I could get his number.

“I’ll be there in a second,” Gerard shouted after his brother to my eternal relief. I smiled at Gerard and he returned the gesture, somehow looking innocent with it. The fucking tease.

“He gonna give you shit about this?” I said once Mikey had decided he wasn’t going to wait for Gerard.

“Probably.,” Gerard said but he didn’t look too concerned. “Are you gonna get into trouble?”

“Nah. But my break is definitely over,” I made my voice light so Gerard wouldn’t fret, it seemed like he was more worried over me than himself.

“I still want that half a cigarette if you still want my number?” Gerard pretty much fluttered his fucking eyelashes at me even though he didn’t need to; I was already completely hooked.

“Fuck yes. Now we have two lots of unfinished business,” I pointed at my groin as I spoke. Gerard laughed and, weirdly, blushed. He reeled off his number once I had my phone out then told me to call him. I wanted to give him my number too but I could see he was anxious to catch up to Mikey so I let him go.

 

A few of the tables by the door stared when I went back inside the diner so I headed straight for the kitchen. Well, that was what I planned.

“Where the fuck are you going?” Lindsey hissed in a low voice when I passed the counter.

“Kitchen,” I pointed towards the over flowing hot plate as I spoke.

“I need a word with you.” Her eyes were furious and she was shaking the milkshake she was making far too vigorously.

“Calm down, Linds.” I reached out to take the drink for her but she snatched her arm backwards.

“Take that order to table eight then come right back here,” she said with venom. I rolled my eyes at her when it was clear she wasn’t going to relax until she kicked my ass… she’s not even my boss but when things don’t go Lindsey’s way then everyone suffers.

I checked with the chef then grabbed the plates and headed over to table eight, right by the window. I smiled politely at the elderly couple sat there and checked who had ordered which meal.

“That your boyfriend out there?” I almost dropped the plate into her lap when the woman spoke. Her husband chuckled, either at my reaction or her question.

“Uhhh…” I looked at her with an apologetic expression but she was smiling.

“He’s cute,” she said and raised her eyebrows.

“I know,” I whispered with a grin.

“You’re a lucky guy. Don’t let him go,” she said, wagging her finger at me.

“If he gives me the chance then I won’t,” I told her as I placed her husband’s meal on the table.

“I’m sure he will, son,” the man said with a kind smile. I thanked them both then turned around to see Lindsey glaring at me as she poured more drinks.

“Will you relax? They saw and they didn’t care,” I said to her when I reached the counter.

“Saw what?” Lindsey said, confusion momentarily overtaking the anger on her face.

“Nothing,” I said quickly. “What were you mad about earlier?” I tried to dig myself out of the hole I’d dug but Lindsey is way smarter than that.

“Saw what?” Lindsey repeated with clenched teeth, knowing it was something she could yell at me about.

“Frank! Get back here,” the chef called from the kitchen. I almost cheered in relief but settled for throwing Lindsey a smile then hurrying back out of sight.

 

I managed to avoid Lindsey for the rest of my shift but we were scheduled to finish at the same time. I grabbed my jacket from my locker and decided to slip out of the side door to avoid her. 

“You think I’m that dumb?” Lindsey asked, stepping in front of me and blocking my escape route when I got out of the door.

“Linds…” I whined then shook my head. I should have guessed she would have figured out my plan. She shot me a serious look then raised her cigarette to her lips.

“If you’re gonna yell at me then at least give me a cigarette first,” I grumbled. Lindsey pulled a pack from her bag and handed me a cigarette, looking far too happy about it. “Fine, fucking yell,” I said after she lit it and I took a drag.

“You were a shit tonight,” Lindsey said and I just nodded.

“I’m sorry I left you shorthanded, took too many breaks,” I guessed at why she had been so angry originally.

“Yeah, yeah. That’s just the start of it though, isn’t it?” Lindsey took a long pull on her cigarette and waited for me to answer. I wasn’t prepared to break the silence so I copied her action and waited too. “Frank,” she all but snarled.

“You know you’re not my boss,” I said pointlessly cos it was never gonna stop her.

“No, but I got you this fucking job. And if you get sacked for picking up customers then how does that look for me?”

“So I gave him my phone number, big deal.” I shrugged and took another drag. “Is this because you liked him too?”

“No, Frank,” she said firmly. “It’s because you decided to eat his face when you should have been working.”

“How do you know?” 

“Old couple at table eight told me,” Lindsey said then narrowed her eyes at me. “And yes, I’m kinda pissed cos you know I liked him too.”

“Give me a break, Linds. It’s not like it’s gonna go anywhere,” I said before leaning in to kiss her cheek; I knew the worst of it was over and I wanted to get home to call Gerard.

“Yeah, cos what man can’t you get?” Lindsey said sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

 

I only made it as far as my car before pulling out my phone to call Gerard. I knew it made me seem eager so I threw it onto the passenger seat and started the engine. I told myself I would wait until I got home but I'd only been driving five minutes before I pulled over and took my picked up my phone again. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep unless I tried.   
I tossed over the idea in my mind. Was it too late to call him? Was it too needy? I decided I didn't care, if he was asleep or didn't want to speak to me then fine but at least I'd tried.   
Gerard didn’t answer and I tried not to take it as a rejection. I fired off a quick text, something smart about how I hoped he wasn’t avoiding me cos I sucked at kissing – we both knew I didn’t.

By the time I drove home, singing along to my radio, I was convinced he would have replied. I checked my phone as soon as I cut the engine but there was nothing. Another check once I was inside the house had the same result. And then when I got into bed. 

It was impossible to hold back my disappointment and I fell asleep worrying what I had told Lindsey in the alley was going to come true… maybe it really would go nowhere.


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up at 8am the next morning and Gerard was the first thing on my mind. I grabbed my phone from the floor by my bed (where I’d flung it in frustration after checking it at 3am to see no texts or calls) and sighed at the lack of contact from Gerard.

The conversation with table eight was replaying on a loop in my head as I lit my first cigarette of the day, sitting up in my bed. 

“Fuck it,” I said out loud to nobody. I stuck my cigarette between my lips, grabbed my phone and dialled Gerard’s number. It rang for an infuriatingly long time but I wasn’t prepared to give up.

“Hi,” Gerard’s high, breathy voice came down the line and my heart picked up double time. 

“First of all, that wasn’t my best kissing still, I’ve got a lot more in the tank. Don’t give up on a guy based on the first round,” I said, trying to keep things light but actually being more serious than I could express.

“I didn’t…”

“Second point, I’ve got a whole pack of cigarettes in my hand so let’s settle this debt, huh?” I wasn’t prepared to let Gerard try and give me the excuse he had clearly been preparing since he left the diner.

“Frank…” Gerard said and a small electric charge shot through me at hearing him say my name. I took a drag of my cigarette while I waited for him to continue… and then another. I wasn’t completely sure he hadn’t hung up.

“Seriously? Come on, man, you’re killing me here,” I said, hoping it would make him laugh or speak or make any kind of sound so I knew he was still there.

“Sorry,” he said in a low voice and I could feel the sorrow attached to the word.

“You don’t need to be sorry; just be available.” I wanted to see him again and it was clear he wasn’t going to instigate anything.

“Available?”

“For a drink, today,” my words surprised myself and I dropped my cigarette. I clung to my phone while I snatched the cigarette back up but not before it left a black burn mark on the cotton.

I swore under my breath then realised Gerard was silent again down the line. Maybe I’d scared him off by being too forward, too pushy. I panicked, more than when my bed was in danger of bursting into flames.

“I mean, I know I should probably wait a little longer before asking you out, play it cool or whatever, I really wanna see you though. It can be a date or not or whatever, a smoke over coffee or…” I was rambling and I knew it would scare him further but he cut in.

“Coffee’s good,” those two words from his lips calmed and excited me in equal measure.

“Coffee and cigarettes, are you just the perfect guy or what?”

“I don’t think so.” A lie. He fucking damn well is.

“I’ll be the judge of that. So 12pm at The Full Effect, you know it?” I didn’t mean to choose my own place but it was the first joint I thought of that did coffee.

“Yep,” Gerard said, distracted but not unhappy. We said goodbye and I resisted the urge to make some joke about his hands in my pants.

 

After I hung up I jumped straight in the shower. I had meant to shower when I got home the night before but I’d got too obsessed with waiting for Gerard to return my call. I thought about Gerard while I was showering. No, not like that. Okay, a little like that. But more about where the day could lead.

I'd not had a long term boyfriend in two years and that relationship had only been a year long. Bert was never really right for me and the band was more important to me at that point in my life. He got pretty nasty when I told him I wasn’t ready to get serious and ‘grow the fuck up’ as he put it. After his attempt at being soft and sweet failed he got aggressive; a month of name calling and the occasional beating was enough for me to call it a day… with Ray’s help.

I know I said I'm not some rock star whore (I'm really not) but I hadn't been an angel either. I'd had the odd one night stand and a couple of fleeting relationships with a few guys over the years but nothing I would categorise as significant.

I shut off the shower and threw a towel around my waist. I blow dried my hair while flipping through the contents of my wardrobe but nothing caught my eye. I worked on styling my hair, much longer than I needed to, then went back to rejecting outfits.

Still in my towel I headed downstairs for something to eat. There was nothing interesting in the fridge so I put some bread in the toaster while I made coffee. I swallowed both slices of toast dry and chased them with a black coffee. Two cigarettes later I was staring at my wardrobe again.

I pulled out my black baggy jeans, my absolute favourites and I know I look good in them. After deliberating over smart or casual I selected a band t-shirt to go with them, not wanting to scare Gerard away with formality. I didn’t want to look like I hadn’t made the effort though so I lined my eyes with a black pencil.

 

I text James when I parked around the corner from The Full Effect to let him know I was on my way. I only generally visit for business stuff, keeping our friendship and working relationship separate is essential, so I wanted him to know I was on a date. I also asked him to get two coffees ready to save us waiting – the perks of being the boss.

I took out my packet of cigarettes, intending to have a quick smoke before seeing Gerard again, and opened them to find I only had one left. I laughed at the irony, if the roles had been reversed the night before would I have shared with Gerard?

I wouldn't have shared; I would've given him the whole thing and anything else he asked for. 

I was going to smoke it before I went into the coffee shop but I didn't want to have to ask Gerard to lend me another and I did kind of owe him one. I threw the empty pack onto the back seat and slipped the cigarette into my jeans.

I was pleased to see how busy the place was when I arrived, most of the tables taken up. My eyes were searching for an empty one I could sit at so I didn’t see Gerard until he turned and knocked into me.

“Sorry,” he told the floor. Seemed like it was his favourite word.

“Again with the sorry?” I said lightly, hoping he would recognise my voice.

“Frank,” he said as he snapped his head up. There was excitement in his voice and expression; that was all the boost my confidence needed.

“Nice to see you again, Gerard,” I said, slipping into date mode. It really was good to see him; he looked amazing and I couldn’t resist checking him out… well, he just stood there and let me!

I tried to play it casual even though I was dying to kiss his full lips. I leant forward slightly and placed my hand on his hip, kissing his cheek briefly. Gerard didn’t react to my physical greeting but once I moved back he spoke… and not to say sorry.

“It’s good to see you too,” Gerard said, much calmer than I expected. He tried to be sly about it but it was his turn so I let him stare at me while I looked for a table.

Once I spotted a few empty seats I gave Gerard a quick smile then grabbed his hand, pulling him with me so he couldn’t change his mind and leave. As soon as we sat down I saw James over Gerard’s shoulder, grinning and heading our way with two cups.

“Thanks, James,” I said when he put our coffees in front of us. James inclined his head very slightly at Gerard then gave me an approving look. I smiled and held out my hand for James to grab, which he did but then added a totally obvious wink before heading back to the counter.

I didn’t fully think my awesome queue cutting plan though. Gerard was looking at me in confusion with just a hint of upset; I realised to him it might look like I come for so many dates the staff just know what to do. I didn’t want to tell him the truth so early, I hadn’t even told Bert about my business ventures even after a year of being together, so I went with part of the truth.

“I know him,” I said confidently, closing the subject to further questions. Gerard seemed satisfied though and took a small sip of his drink. I copied him because my mouth was suddenly dry.

“It’s good coffee,” Gerard’s voice broke the silence, much to my surprise and pleasure.

“It’s the best. Your brother chew you out last night?” I wanted to keep him talking, worried his shy side might break through.

“Nah. It was mostly for show, over reaction.” I was glad I hadn’t caused a serious family rift.

“He’s just protective?” I asked in the hope Gerard would open up to me but he just nodded in agreement.

“Did your boss say anything?” 

“At the dinner? They wouldn’t, it’s not my actual job.” Gerard opened his mouth like he was going to question me further and I didn’t want to get into that conversation too early. The memory of the night before reminded me of something else though. “I brought you this, by the way.” I grabbed the cigarette from my pocket and pushed it across the table.

“You only owe me half though,” Gerard said with a laugh. The reason why I only owed him half was replaying in my head. It was the best damn cigarette I've ever had... my dick clearly thought so too. Gerard picked it up and held either end, for a brief second I panicked he was going to break it into two then slide half back to me; he’s fucking sassy enough for that shit.

“We could share it later? After coffee?” 

“Deal. You can keep it until we need it,” Gerard said with a small smile that set my heart pounding again. . I almost said that I needed it now but it was more than just a smoke that I needed. 

Instead I placed my hands on his and took the cigarette from him. I popped it behind my ear because I thought it looked cool and would impress him (also because I had left the empty packet in my car). I left my hand on top of his, relishing the softness of his skin.

“First date then, let’s spill out guts,” I said with a smile when I felt Gerard’s hand twitch under mine; I didn’t want him to pull it away and figured I could distract him with words.

We got all the boring things out of the way first… I say boring but it was all anything but for me. I was fascinated just listening to Gerard speak. The way his lips formed around letters, the sound of his breath pushing past his lips… fascinating. I learnt so much about him; what TV shows he watched, books he had read, that we were close in age (though he was a year older) I was pleased to hear we had similar tastes in lots of things, especially music.

I told him useless bits about myself, about my family and growing up. I had to tell him about my heritage (I’m sure my mother would be so proud) when he asked my surname.

“Spelt how?” Gerard asked when I told him my full name, taking another sip of his drink.

“I, E, R, O,” I recited, I almost automatically add it every time I give my name anyway since nobody ever gets it.

“Eye-row?” Gerard screwed up his face as he spoke because he knew he had got it wrong.

“No, eye-ear-oh,” I said patiently.

“Ear…”

“Nope,” I cut him off then laughed. Gerard laughed too then blushed.

“I think I’ll just stick with ‘Frank’,” Gerard said quietly.

“Until you see my name in lights,” I said with a wink.

“At the diner?”

“Nah, I only cover shifts there when Lindsey needs a hand. My real job is singing and that’s cool cos I get to hang out with my best friend.”

“That’s pretty cool. Who’s your best friend?” Gerard asked with genuine curiosity.

"Ray. I've known him since I was fifteen. He could already play guitar when I met him. He taught me how to play a little then one day I sang while he played a Guns 'N' Roses song. The whole band thing was his idea," I said, smiling at the memory. 

“Band? There’s others?” Gerard asked.

"Yeah. Pete and Patrick,” I said and Gerard just stared at me with wide eyes so I carried on. “Pete's parents lived next door to Ray's so they already knew each other and had tried to start something similar before but never got further than the two of them. We found Patrick in the garbage and took him in." Gerard looked confused and I realised he wouldn't get the inside joke. It was so easy to talk to him that it was hard to remember that I barely knew him. 

"Okay..." he said slowly. I cringed internally, he clearly thought I was crazy.

"Sorry, inside joke," I offered in way of an apology and explanation. Hardly enough to convince him I was sane.

“You’re in a band…” Gerard said, sounding like he was having trouble processing it.

“It’s nothing big, just some idiots with instruments,” I tried to downplay the whole thing so he wouldn’t think I was bragging or trying to dazzle him.

“I’m impressed,” Gerard said; he didn’t need to be since we just play a few nights a week in dirty bars.

“Don’t be, we suck. Pete is good and Ray has more talent than all of us. Me and Patrick just drag them down,” I said with a laugh.

“What do you all do?” Gerard asked with a smile.

“I sing… well, I try to. Ray plays guitar, Pete is bass and Patrick drums.”

“I used to have a thing for drummers,” Gerard blushed as he spoke and he looked so cute the urge to kiss him was overwhelming.

“I’ll give you Trick’s number then.” I threw Gerard a fake wounded look.

“Not before I get my half cigarette back.” I laughed at his sass then his face changed, some kind of shock or worry in his eyes.

“Everything okay?” I asked quickly.

“We’ve been here over three hours,” Gerard said with a blank face. His tone sounded disappointed and I felt a squeeze of guilt for monopolising his time.

“Shit. I’ve kept you too long. Sorry,” I said even though it felt like no time had passed and I wasn’t actually that sorry about it. 

Gerard didn't respond so I put my jacket on to signal to him that it was fine to leave if he wanted to. His eyes looked a little glazed and far away so I stood up, hoping the larger movement would catch his eye. It did and he rose from the table too, putting his own jacket on.

I waved to James and indicated that Gerard should leave first. He smiled politely then nodded at me as he headed out of the place.

I'm gonna take a full paragraph here to try and make you understand the sheer magnificence of Gerard's ass. I'm sure I still won't do it justice. 

Gerard strutted out of The Full Effect with the sexiest wiggle I've ever seen and I'm sure that I will ever see. Right between his swaying hips was the perfect ass. Round but not big, firm enough but still moved just a little with each step he took. Mesmerised, I vowed that one day I would kiss each of those glorious cheeks. If we hadn't have been in public I swear I would have taken a bite right there. I would have taken a stream of verbal abuse, a beating, an arrest, a life sentence for just one mouthful.

 

Once we were outside (I was so busy staring at his ass that I almost forgot to follow him) it belatedly occurred to me that the date was really over. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to Gerard, especially not with that image of his ass in my head. To stop myself reaching out to squeeze that perfect ass I took hold of his hand instead.

“Can I give you a ride somewhere?” I asked, desperate to spend as much time as I could with him.

“I can walk,” Gerard said in a quiet voice, staring at our joined hands in awe.

“My car is just around the corner, come on.” I all but dragged him to where I was parked before he could make up and excuse or, worse, leave.

I cursed in my head when I had to let go of his hand to find my keys. I unlocked the car then smiled at Gerard but he didn’t see it; just as I hoped he was looking suitably impressed by my ride.

“This? This is your car?” Gerard asked incredulously.

“Yeah,” I said in a purposely casual voice. I know I drive a nice fucking car; it looks good and it wasn’t cheap. Yes, I use it to impress men, so fucking what? I opened the passenger door for Gerard like the perfect gentleman. 

“It’s gorgeous.”

“It’s alright,” I said, realising how Gerard was the most gorgeous thing I’d seen and my pride and joy with four wheels was nothing compared to him.

Gerard smiled up at me as he got in my car and all kinds of dirty thoughts ran through my mind at the sight of him sat in that leather seat. I opened my own door and got in the car. I turned the key in the ignition and asked him where we were heading.

Gerard told me his address in an almost robotic fashion, the way kids chant their times tables at school, rehearsed and without feeling or any real comprehension. My first thought was that I had accidently said one of those dirty thoughts out loud. But when I looked at him I saw he had turned back into the Gerard from the night before, the one with the protective shell, the armour and lack of expression. 

I didn't bother to repeat the address for confirmation, I knew he wouldn't hear me. Whatever I'd said or done I had seriously fucked up. I retraced every bit of our time together in the coffee shop as I drove to his place, trying to see where I'd gone wrong. A flicker of movement from the passenger seat disturbed my thoughts, as I looked towards Gerard I saw him wrapping his arms around himself.

I pulled up at the kerb in front of an apartment building, on the street that Gerard had given me. When I turned the engine off it was scary how deathly quiet it was. I was just gonna have to ask him, find out how I'd ruined my chances and see if I could claw him back from the edge.

I shifted in my seat to face Gerard and found he was looking down at his feet. He wouldn't even meet my eye. I sighed in frustration at myself and he looked up. I didn't know what to say to him and his sad beauty was too much, too heart wrenching. I took a breath and ran my hand through my hair while I tried to compose a sentence. My fingertips hit that cigarette I had stored behind my ear. What an idiot, I felt stupid about the cocky placing of it now and hastily removed it. It did give me something to say though.

“I still haven’t paid you back. I think we could both use a smoke?”

I was hoping for some words but Gerard just nodded and got out of my car. He shut the door behind him and my empty car felt like a coffin.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves for a little bit more of a sensitive Frank here...

I got out of the car and closed my door so I could lean against it. I put the cigarette in my mouth so I had my hands free to light it. I automatically pulled out my lighter but as soon as I looked at it I remembered… I haven’t forgotten since. I stashed it back in my jacket pocket and felt around for my box of matches instead. Gerard was looking at me with a mixture of confusion and awe.

“You prefer match struck,” I told him though he obviously knew that. He nodded, all stiff and weird like when I’d found him in the alley the night before. 

Once it was lit I intended to let Gerard have the first drag but he wasn't standing next to me like I expected, he was still moving slowly around the car on unstable legs. I took two decent pulls on the cigarette before he got to me. When I passed it to him he still didn't speak and I died a little inside.

Gerard seemed in some indescribable rush to smoke and had the cigarette between his lips in record time. He inhaled just as quickly then his eyes bulged, his chest convulsing slightly. I was about to ask if he was okay but he took another drag and held the smoke in for longer than I would have before slowly exhaling then handing the cigarette back.

Each second of silence crushed me; I needed to hear him talk again, even if it was to tell me to fuck off. I couldn't stand the sight, the taste, the feel, the smell of the cigarette anymore. It was just another reason for Gerard not to speak. I dropped it to the ground and flattened it with my boot.

“Enough of this bullshit. What did I do? You were fine earlier but suddenly you’ve gone all quiet and you look like you’re about to confess to a murder,” I tried to keep my voice neutral but I'm sure some of the frustration and pain crept in. I could have gone on but for the first time in over ten minutes he eventually spoke.

“It wasn’t you…” Gerard started but I didn’t want to hear the rest of his flimsy excuse.

“It’s not you, it’s me,” I said bleakly, resisting the urge to roll my eyes. Gerard’s expression told me he was hurt and he did that thing again, the movement I became so used to in the early days and grew to hate, he hugged his arms around his chest.

“No, Frank. Stop,” Gerard pleaded and I couldn’t bear to be the cause of the pain in his voice. He had to know the truth.

“I like you, Gerard. Okay? I like you. I don’t let just anyone stick their hands down my pants, you know?”

“Stop,” Gerard’s voice was louder but just as agony drenched.

“Do you even like me?” I didn’t want to ask, it would have been easier to walk away then but I had to know.

“Yes. Yes, I like you.” That was all I wanted to hear, my heart squeezed at his words and swelled against my rib cage until he carried on. “But I can’t do this.”

“I don’t understand.” 

Gerard glanced at his apartment building but I wasn’t prepared to let him escape. He let me pull his arm free then I wrapped my fingers around his, I expected him to try to pull away but he squeezed my hand gently.

It was frustrating beyond belief as he silently stared at our joined hands. I could feel my heart dropping through my stomach and I waited for his explanation but I could see he was struggling. I looked at his face, searching for the words he couldn't say, I wanted to help him but I also didn't want to hear more, he sighed and it was like a release valve.

“It really is all me. I’m… fucked up. Broken. I’m a mess,” I could tell from Gerard’s tone it took a lot for him to be honest with me.

“We’ve all got our baggage.” I aimed for casual so he would know I wasn’t put off but I think he misinterpreted it for indifference.

“It’s more than that. I’ve been destroyed… I’m not repairable. Too broken.” I almost laughed but I could tell he wouldn’t find it funny. Gerard was speaking like he was confessing some huge secret, like I hadn’t already seen how fucked up and hurt he was.

“So? How do you know that? Maybe I can fix you.” That was all I wanted, all I’ve ever wanted.

“I don’t think it’s possible. I’m not ever gonna heal. The timing is all wrong,” it seemed like Gerard was rambling through any reason he could think of to keep me away but none of them were going to work.

“It’ll be the right time one day. I wanna be there when it is. I think we could have something.” My words didn't seem to affect him so I squeezed his hand, hoping my touch could communicate it better but he didn’t react.

“You don’t need a wreck like me. You’re only gonna get hurt. I don’t think you get how damaged I am.” 

He was tearing me apart and his eyes told me he didn't even know it. I saw the tear roll down his cheek and I could feel him slipping away from me.

“You think it’s some big secret, Gerard? That you’ve been hurt? It’s more obvious than you think. I’ve known you less than a day and one of the first things I noticed about you was the damage; you wear it like armour but it’s doing a pretty shitty job protecting you.”

My words finally got through to him, they knocked the wind out of him and his face looked stunned. I took my chance to try and convince him not to walk away; I told him more of the truth.

“I saw the damage. I didn’t care, it doesn’t matter. I think we could be really great. And to be honest, yeah, I’m a being a little selfish because I want you in my life, Gerard.” 

He stared at the floor and I just knew it; I was losing him and it was killing me. Gerard still wouldn't look at my face. I was laying it all out for him and he was so far away from me that I had to beg him. 

“Will you look at me, Gerard? Please?” I whispered, I had meant to say it stronger but my emotions got the better of me. 

I think I knew it even then; looking back I'm sure, deep down, I knew I loved him.

Gerard responded and his eyes moved to look into mine. I could tell it was the last time he would look at me. It was over. I had nothing left to say that would convince him. I couldn't walk away without one last kiss

It was almost instinct as I leant forward and placed my lips on his, gentle so he knew I wasn't going to force anything. I just wanted one last taste of him, to feel his soft lips one last time. The situation was so unexpectedly extreme; emotions ran through me, unchecked and untamed… I didn't even realise until I pulled away that I was crying.

I could see the moisture from my tears on Gerard’s cheeks and I silently cursed myself for being so intense. I've always been emotional but Gerard was just heightening it; intensifying every feeling, making it harder to contain. He opened his mouth to speak and I braced myself for the rejection.

“Okay… we can try. But listen, I need boundaries. There can’t be emotions, no romance… I don’t want to be your boyfriend and I’m not looking for someone to love me.”

The words sent a massive jolt through my system. I processed them quickly but carefully, making sure I understood. My first assessment told me he was saying 'let's just be friends' but then there was the part about saying we could try… that sounded like he wanted us to be together. I couldn't think about it too much. 

“Taking it slow, okay,” I said warily, hoping I had understood and wasn’t screwing up the best thing that had ever happened to me.

“No expectations, none at all. You don’t put your life on hold, not for me. You find someone better then you go. We can both walk away at any point. We can both see other people, it’s not exclusive, it’s not a relationship… not like that.”

He had to know that his boundaries were fine. I would take him any way he was willing to give, any stipulation. So that was what I told him.

“We’ll do it your way, Gerard. Whatever you want. Friends with benefits, whatever,” I put my hands on either side of his face so he couldn't escape my gaze as I spoke, so he knew I was serious. His words were still echoing in my head and suddenly it fell into place. I thought I knew exactly what he was offering but there was only one way to be sure. "Even if it's just this," I whispered then I kissed him. I kissed him like I had the night before when he had his hand wrapped around me. It was passionate, intense and full of joy.

I forgot to control myself as I kissed him. I forgot to respect his rights. I forgot that he couldn't see inside my head and I wasn't so sure I'd understood his words properly. Then he kissed me back. He held his body against me in a way that confirmed his words through his actions. It wasn't 'let's just be friends' it was 'let's be friends with benefits and maybe one day, more'. 

Gerard probably had no idea how I truly felt about him then so I can't blame him for any of it. But he had given me just enough though to keep me hanging on. A tiny slither of hope. He wanted me like I wanted him, maybe not emotionally but that could change couldn't it? He knew I would try to fix him, to heal him, and I hoped he would let me. He sighed under my kiss and it derailed my train of thought, flipping it in a totally different direction.

“Aside from the smoking wasn’t there something else we didn’t quite get to finish? But maybe not on the street this time?” I said with a smirk and a roll of my hips against his.

“You wanna come inside?” Gerard asked. He was rifling through his pockets for something so he didn't see my expression change. My eyes bulged at his directness then I saw he had pulled out his house keys and not a pack of condoms. 

I kept the laughter down but I felt my mouth break into a shit-eating grin. Gerard pursed his lips at me like a frustrated toddler. He didn't get it and how could I explain?

“Whichever way you meant that, the answer is hell fucking yes,” I said then pulled his keys from his frozen fingers, recognition slowly reaching him and causing him to blush.


	5. Chapter 5

When we reached Gerard’s apartment he took his keys back and, despite his shaking fingers, he had the door unlocked on the first attempt. He swung the door open and stepped to one side so I could 'come inside'. 

I couldn't believe I was stepping into his place. Only minutes before I was crying in the street thinking I was taking my last kiss, my last look at Gerard. I took off my jacket and threw it over the back of the couch as Gerard entered the apartment then turned to close the door.

That perfect ass was all I could see, I didn't even know I'd stepped towards him until I'd put my arms around his waist. I made sure he could feel me, hard against his soft flesh.

thought I was the only one biting my lip but as Gerard turned to face me I could see he was chewing his bottom lip… not in anticipation like me, but nerves. His eyes were darting around and I could hear his uneven breathing.

“You know you’re insanely hot, right?” I said as I squeezed his hips softly. He’d clearly been single a while and I didn’t want him panicking or, worse, backing out of our loose arrangement.

“I’ve been told so,” Gerard said, finding his sass again… cheeky fucker even winked at me. He’s never sexier to me than when he’s like that though, it’s the real Gerard and I fucking love it.

I pulled him against me and kissed him, hard. I was gripping him too tightly so I forced myself to let him go but ended up just winding my hands into his hair. It wasn’t exactly one sided, Gerard was grinding up against me like his life depended on it. 

“Bedroom?” I meant it to be a command, not a question, but my head was spinning. Gerard didn’t answer me verbally, just all but yanked my arm from its socket in his eagerness to get me across his apartment.

As soon as we were in the room Gerard was pulling at my tee, still walking backwards towards his bed. I let him lift it over my head even though I could have undressed myself quicker… not that I was impatient or anything.

“Wow,” Gerard said as his eyes raked over my body. I knew it wasn’t my physique that he was admiring so I stuck out my arms for his inspection too.

“I don’t know,” I answered his unspoken question.

“Huh?” Gerard looked dazed when he met my eyes but I knew he had been thinking it, everyone does.

“How many I’ve got. I don’t know.”

“Maybe I can count them for you some time?” Gerard said with a smile that made my pants even tighter.

“Do I get to count yours too?” I know it’s cheesy but it worked didn’t it?

“Sure, you got three seconds?” Gerard laughed and took his jumper off, letting it drop by his feet.

He looked better than I’d imagined… and I had imagined. His pale, unmarked skin was mind blowing. Most of the guys I wound up with were as tattooed as me, not that I mind that but Gerard just looked… so fucking pure. I think I said that out loud to him at the time; I don’t remember telling my brain to let it out of my mouth but it did anyway.

I wanted him so bad. I wanted all of him. My head was full of him, thinking of how good his skin would feel under my lips, how much I wanted to touch every inch of him. Not for the first time, I thought about his mouth around my cock… but not in that same soft way as before, more like how good it would be to pull his hair and fuck his face. I know, I'm all class but I'm just being honest! If you want classy then go back to Gee's version of events, he sounds more innocent than me but trust me he's dirtier, he just omits a lot in his version.

Somehow Gerard ended up on the bed… maybe I pushed him? I remember reaching out to touch that perfect chest then being consumed by pure desire. I probably did push him.

I kicked off my boots and pulled my jeans off too. I expected Gerard to be in the same state of undress when I looked up but he was too busy staring at my legs, still looking awed at my tattoos. I gave him a quick look and he got it; he started working on his boots. I figured he needed a little help so I got rid of his jeans for him.

I don’t know why I was expecting his legs to have any ink when his arms and upper body were bare but the sight of his white legs shocked me. I couldn’t believe he was a completely blank canvas… in tattooing terms at least. 

“Not even one,” I murmured, more out of surprise than anything. All the times I'd imagined Gerard naked (it's astounding how many times I'd done that in less than twenty four hours) I'd pictured him with at least a handful of tattoos.

“I don’t really like needles,” Gerard’s face contorted into discomfort as he spoke and my heart sank. He didn’t like tattoos… and I was covered. He had clearly seen my arms and hands before but maybe he just tolerated that, didn’t realise how far my love of art went. 

“This doesn’t put you off me?” I asked, already cringing against the answer I thought he was going to give.

“Exactly the opposite, I know how to appreciate art,” Gerard said with a smile. He really is the perfect fucking guy.

I didn’t need any more invitation than that to jump onto the bed… well, onto Gerard if we are being specific. Gerard pulled me down to him and there was so much relief in kissing him that I could hardly hold back the moan of satisfaction.

“Condom?” I panted when I couldn’t take his teasing tongue any longer.

“Hmmm? Yeah, erm… drawer,” Gerard sounded distracted and I hoped he wasn’t having second thoughts about our ‘physical only’ relationship. I moved off him to reach the drawer he indicated by his bed. There was all kinds of crap stuffed into it but the metallic shine caught my eye.

I expected silver but the square I pulled out from under a pack of painkillers was gold. I caught the name plastered across the front and smiled as I remembered buying the brand as a teenager. I was pretty sure they’d quit making them a year before… maybe longer. I was still trying to work out when it was when I sat back on Gerard.

“How long have you been single?” I was more thinking aloud and I regretted the words as soon as I said them. Gerard’s eyes bulged and his cheeks were instantly red.

“Your dirty talk is worse than your kissing.” He chuckled a little, an awkward sound and it made me feel even worse. “Is this really the time for this conversation?”

“Nah, sorry. It’s just that they don’t even make this brand anymore…” I said with an apologetic smile; I didn’t want to finish my thought but I had too. “I wanted to be sure it was in date.”

“Oh… better check it.” 

I’d never intended to embarrass him but I clearly had. I felt bad about bringing up his past at such a vulnerable time for him so I leant down to kiss his lips, to reassure him everything was fine.

“Lube,” I said to myself, annoyed I hadn’t picked it out of the drawer with the condom since it meant getting off Gerard again.

“I haven’t got any,” I heard Gerard say softly. Then my mouth took over, started running the show without my brain’s fucking permission.

“Seriously? Really, how long have you been single?” Frank, you are a fucking dumb ass. It was like I didn’t even wanna have sex!

“That’s still not foreplay,” Gerard said quietly, just a hint of sass. I deserved worse; I wouldn’t have blamed him if he kicked me out onto the street without my clothes.

“Sorry. I know that.” I glanced at him over my shoulder to see his eyes were scrunched closed, his cheeks redder than ever. “Don’t worry, we’ll just use mine,” I added quickly before I could screw it up any further.

I took longer than I needed really to get the condom and sachet of lube out of my jeans, I wanted to give him the chance to relax and forget my brainless comments. I left my boxers on the floor with my jeans and the look on Gerard’s face when I sat back on his hips told me I was forgiven.

“You or me?” I asked as I held up the condom. I had been about to put it on but then realised we had never discussed top or bottom. Gerard just stared at me, his mouth open and eyes wide. I thought he might be panicking that whatever answer he gave wouldn’t be the right one. I laughed a little when the silence went on too long and it seemed to bring him back into the moment.

“No preference,” he finally answered. Music to my fucking ears. I like a flexible guy… in so many ways. He smiled at me, kinda sexy and kinda shy, a hint of admiration and passion flashing in his eyes too.

I've never wanted anything in my life as bad as I wanted Gerard right then. And I don't just mean sexually, I mean in every way possible, every single way anybody has ever wanted another person. I would take everything he had and give him so much more back if he let me. 

But I was playing it cool, right? Friends with benefits, just sex, yeah? So I dropped the condom and lube onto his flat stomach and pulled off his boxers. He looked amazing and I wasted no time getting my hands on him.

The sound of Gerard’s moan was so deep it almost shook the bed and I fucking loved it. It was such a genuine sound… not cos I’m that fucking good, just that he was finally letting go, he was so free and uncomplicated.

“You,” the single word, fired from his lips confused me at first. Gerard glanced down at the squares on his stomach and his word suddenly made sense to me. 

I let go of him to open the lube and coat my fingers. Gerard was breathing heavily once my finger was inside him and I took it as encouragement. As soon as I had room I pushed another finger, just the tip, into Gerard… then he yelped.

I froze. It was definitely a sound of pain and that was not my intention. His teeth were indenting his bottom lip and his wide eyes told me he hadn’t been expecting me to double up. I felt awful, worried I’d not been as careful as I should have been, but then I remembered it had probably been a while for him.

“You okay?” I asked him. He seemed reluctant to release his lip so I bent forward to kiss him softly. 

Gerard reached up and placed his hand on the side of my neck, slowly moving it round to the back of my head. His tongue was only making me more eager to get inside him but he clearly needed a minute so I just enjoyed the kiss, letting him pull away when he was ready.

“You wanna switch?” I wanted him to be comfortable so I offered the swap.

“No, I’m good.” Gerard’s face didn’t match his words but I nodded anyway then gave him another quick kiss. 

I tried to work a little slower, focussing more on letting Gerard relax and stretch than trying to find his prostate. I peppered his perfect chest with small kisses to help him feel at ease; he sucked in a deep breath when I hit his nipple so I avoided it to stop overstimulation but logged the reaction for future encounters.

His tiny, pleasure drenched gasps were making my cock ache so I pulled my fingers out the second I was convinced he could take more. Gerard watched me as I put the condom on so it wasn’t a surprise to him when I grabbed his hips and pulled him closer to me.

I almost asked him again if he wanted to switch or stop when I held myself against him but I figured he would have said something if he didn’t want me. I went as slow as I could, edging in barely an inch so Gerard could adjust.

“More,” he pretty much growled, his voice heavy and raw. That was hard enough to resist but he flexed his hips up at the same time to draw me in. 

Intense is the best word I have. Being inside Gee for the first time was intense, it wasn't like any other sexual experience I'd ever had. I think my eyes might have rolled to the back of my head… I definitely made some kind of long, sustained noise and tipped my head back as I bottomed out.

I tried to stay as still as I could, so he could relax and I could appreciate the feeling of being so close to him. But then he threw his legs around me and squeezed my hips. I couldn’t stop myself, it was almost a knee-jerk reaction as my body pushed forward.

“You just… fuck, you feel so good,” I hoped he understood my panted explanation and apology. I was worried that I might have hurt him but it looked more like concentration furrowing his brow than discomfort. He nodded like he agreed with me so I took a breath and smiled at him.

Gerard was moaning from my first half attempt at a thrust. I didn’t want to go too hard too fast but Gerard was already rocking against me and making it pretty hard not to. I held his hips to keep us in sync as I thrust into him, each movement blowing my mind. I didn’t think it could get much better until Gerard parted his lips.

“Fr... Frank,” he gasped and the word ran straight down my spine and into my cock. He sounded so fucking sexy, my name had never sounded better than when it spilled from Gerard’s lips in pleasure.

“Fuck yeah. Say my name again,” I pleaded, desperate to hear him so torn apart with satisfaction because of me. I felt his fingertips on chest and his touch went deeper than my skin, a deep icy burn inside me.

“Frank,” Gerard screamed, more desperation in his cry and it thrilled every part of my body. I wanted to look into his eyes, I wasn't sure if he would find that too emotional but I did it anyway and it clued me in to why he was calling my name.

“You want this?” I let go of his hip to work my fist over his leaking cock and Gerard rewarded my effort with a bone shaking groan. Gerard was clenching around me with each stroke and I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold back for long.

It was hard enough to keep the rhythm when I felt Gerard empty himself over my stomach but then he choked out my name between strangled moans and there was nothing I could do. I don’t think I even managed a decent thrust after he came, I just sank into him and groaned with the force of my climax.

It took me more than a few minutes to collect my thoughts and I only really came back down to Earth when I felt Gerard drop his legs from my waist. Apart from that one action we hadn't moved and I slowly became aware of Gerard looking at me. I know that sounds obvious since I was right above him, almost nose to nose, but I mean he was really looking at me, like he was trying to see something that was hidden. His hair was covering one of his bright eyes so I pushed it back so I could watch him studying me. 

I wasn't sure if he was wavering about our deal. It can't have been the sex that was making him look so unsure (he was the one screaming my name after all) maybe I had made it too emotional by looking in his eyes as we fucked. I couldn't mess it all up, he had to know I could deal with it, with the rules, his damage, everything. 

“You know my feelings for you are my own issue, right?” I didn't want to scare him off with talk of feelings and emotions but he already knew I cared about him, it wasn’t a secret. I suspected he cared for me too, maybe more than he was willing to admit. 

“No feelings… please. I can’t reciprocate,” Gerard begged, his voice wavering and only backing up my thoughts.

“I’ll deal with it, Gerard. I understand your boundaries and I’ll try to keep to them. I’m going into this fully informed, eyes wide open,” I tried to reassure him. I meant every word but I had no idea then just how hard it was going to be. 

“It’s sex, Frank. Just sex,” Gerard said, trying to sound powerful. I saw right through it though, his words were trying to convince himself more than me and I knew it.

“For you, yes. Until I can fix you.” I didn’t give him chance to argue with me, to tell me again how he was broken beyond repair; I just kissed his cheek and headed to the bathroom.


	6. Chapter 6

So that's how I met Gee, the story of our first date and the start of our relationship. More? What else do you wanna know? Maybe some of the stories Gerard shared but from my perspective? Or some bits he chose not to tell at all? I'll try and do both. I’ll even throw in some things he doesn’t know.

 

I'm not going over that horrendous dinner date though; why the fuck did I ever think he would be able to make it through three courses when we hadn't fucked for nine days?

 

We hammered out the details of our unconventional relationship that same afternoon as The Full Effect, lying naked in Gerard’s bed. Clearly we both had to have the same understanding if our arrangement was going to work. 

Telling friends and family was out, too much like a real couple and just too confusing to involve other people. I did think about pushing that point at the time, I wanted everyone to know Gerard was part of my life but I could see it wasn't practical so I let my head rule, not my heart.

We both knew we could see other people if we wanted, no pressure to be exclusive. At first I thought Gerard had created this clause so I wouldn't feel trapped but really it was him that played by this rule. He wanted to be together but also to be alone. I could appreciate that but it didn’t mean I had to like it.

I've never asked him how many other guys he fucked, I know he did sleep with other people but I've no clue how many, I'm not sure I want to know. I can't let myself feel bitter about it though or blame Gerard for anything; our motivations for seeing each other were totally different. I wanted him, only him. He obviously wanted me as well but he also wanted freedom, no strings, the ability to choose.

 

The next time I saw Gerard it was at his request. I hadn't contacted him since I'd left his apartment in the early evening after our first date. I figured it was best to let him control our meetings because if it was up to me I would have seen him every day.

Gee called me that Friday, it was sooner than I expected and that was just another slither of hope for me to cling to.

"Frank, where are you?" Gerard asked once I answered my phone. It sounded like he was in a bar. I looked at the clock in my kitchen, it was only 7pm.

"I'm at home." I didn't have a gig, unusual for a Friday night so I hadn’t made plans apart from binge watching a box set.

"Can I see you?" I knew exactly what he meant, it was what I'd signed up for. It was the first real test, could I actually handle it? My dick seemed to think so since Gerard’s words were already having an effect.

"Sure, baby," I said into my phone. How cool and carefree did that sound? I gave him my address and he hung up with the promise of coming as quick as he could. Once again, he missed the double meaning.

I heard a knock on my front door just over ten minutes later, I was so eager to see Gerard again that I practically ran to answer it. I pulled the door open and Gee was stood on my doorstep, waiting for me. He had his arms wrapped around himself, of course. I figured he had come from after work drinks because he was wearing his uniform with that red tie just like mine. 

I knew if I was going to do this I had to act before I over thought it. I took hold of his upper arm and dragged him into my house, placing my lips on his as I shut the door. We didn't need words, we both knew why he had called. I released his mouth and he smiled at me. 

Although Gerard had instigated the meeting, I had taken over. He didn't object though and it was helping me keep my emotions under wraps. I looked at my stairs and he nodded, not that I really needed the confirmation. I took hold of his hand and led the way to my bedroom.

I hoped I could hold it together. I internally chanted to myself as he undressed 'no emotion, stay detached, just sex'. The minute Gerard was naked all my will collapsed. I was lying to myself, my mantra was completely meaningless. But it didn't matter as long as he didn't know that, I could keep it to myself, keep my feelings inside as much as possible.

How had I become the tortured soul and Gerard the free spirit? Total role reversal in less than one week.

Since I was just stood staring at Gerard, all this information running through my mind, he took charge and started to undress me. He started with my jeans (of course, it's Gee!) so I pulled off my top, shaking my head slightly to chase away the thoughts. He left me in my boxers and turned to get onto my bed.

One flash of that birthmark brought back all those thoughts I’d had in The Full Effect about taking a bite of his ass. Hold up, he hasn't told you about that has he? I don't want to betray all his secrets… but it’s the cutest fucking shape in the cutest fucking place. I caught him by the hips and kissed the dark mark on his pale skin. He giggled and wriggled free to climb onto my bed. One cheek down, one to go.

No surprise that I was ready to go so I ditched my boxers and climbed on top of him. He pulled me down and locked our mouths together in a deep kiss. I pushed my hand between our bodies to stroke him and he bucked up into my hand.

For a split second I was worried about rushing Gee again or hurting him but once our lips were apart he gave me a flirty smile as slipped his own hand between his legs. I could hardly pull my eyes away and it was almost physically painful to move off the bed to grab supplies from my drawer.

Gerard stilled his hand long enough for me to snap open the lube and squeeze some over his half visible fingers. I watched him still, blindly rolling on the condom, and I almost regretted stopping him but I couldn’t wait any longer.

I tugged on his wrist and he slid his fingers out with a small moan. I kept my fingers circled around his wrist and held it above his head on the pillow. Gerard lifted his hips as I pressed against him and we groaned in unison as I worked my way inside.

Looking down at Gerard writhing and moaning while I fucked him is a memory I will never forget. Making Gee happy was all I ever wanted to do, right from the start, and of course it wasn't all bad for me either. 

He met every one of my thrusts with the same intensity, rocking his hips fluidly against me. I tightened my grip around his arm and my other hand was snarled up in his hair… I’ve always loved his hair and there’s something so hot about yanking it, especially since it makes him moan so much.

It was too much for me; the force of our bodies working together, the look on his face, the sound of him. I was there and I didn’t even know it. Gerard let out an obscene groan as I hit his prostate and that was it; I jerked my hips and cried out as I came hard.

Gerard threw me with a baffled look, I mean, he clearly knew what had happened but I think the speed of it threw him off. I pulled out then crawled between his legs, replacing my cock with two fingers.

I kissed his neck as I moved my hand, trying to copy the same motion and intensity as before. I could see him pushing his hips up in search of friction so I used my other hand to tease him, tracing my fingers up and down his length, thumbing the slit to make him gasp.

I could feel Gerard convulsing around my fingers and I pushed in further to press against his prostate. I cut off his groan with my lips, teasing his tongue as I felt him explode in my hand.

I didn't want to collapse on top of him, boundaries, so I freed my fingers gently then rolled to the side. We both lay next to each other looking at my bedroom ceiling as we tried to catch our breath. 

He reached out and touched my cheek, making me turn my head towards him. He was smiling so I caught his hand and moved it to my lips so I could kiss his palm. He closed his eyes and sighed softly.

Neither of us had spoken a word since the phone call. I accepted Gerard's rules but I didn't remember silence being one of them. 

“Sorry. You’re just so fucking hot,” I said in explanation for my performance. It was the truth, he’s always blown my mind.

“Don’t be sorry, that was good,” he said in a faraway voice.

“Good? You were amazing, Gerard.”

“Gee,” he said in that same dreamlike voice.

“Huh?”

“You can call me Gee,” he said with a smile.

“Okay, then you were amazing, Gee,” I felt a weird little jolt as I called him his preferred name, like it was some kind of confirmation that I mattered to him. I quickly tried to mentally bat it away since it was only supposed to be about sex.

"Thanks, baby." If me calling him ‘Gee’ felt like something special then those four letters falling from his lips had my heart dancing. I tried to breathe and stay calm, I wasn’t sure if he realised what he had said but I couldn’t let it go.

"Do I just let you get away with calling me 'baby' then?" I teased, half hoping he had actually meant it. Gerard opened his eyes and looked at me with a playful expression.

"You call me 'baby', you did earlier on the phone," he said accusingly. He was right but that was kind of my point.

"Yeah but I'm the emotional one," I reminded him. He pursed his lips but his eyes were still soft. "No feelings," I said in a weak imitation of his high pitched voice. It made him laugh at least.

"Affection isn't the same as feelings or emotions," he said. I thought it was but he didn't give me a chance to say so. "I'm not made of stone, you know I care about you," he stroked my cheek again as he spoke. "If I was that much of a machine I wouldn't even bother kissing you but I like to. I like being with you, Frank, and I'm quite an affectionate person, but if you want me to stop that's fine."

"No," I answered too quickly, grabbing his hand to keep it on my face. He giggled and I think I went a little red.

"I don't want to lead you on, Frankie. It is what it is. I don't mind kissing and touching and 'baby' or whatever, I actually enjoy it, but it doesn't change the boundaries; it doesn’t make it anything more," he confirmed. 

I was pleased to hear him say he enjoyed the affection. It made it so much easier for me to be able to treat him that way, kissing and hugging, all of it; I clung to it throughout the early part of our relationship. It was the first time he called me Frankie too… I knew we’d always be Frankie and Gee to each other from then, it just sounded right.

"So we get to have conversations too?" It seemed like a strange thing to clarify but I wanted to be sure. He tapped my cheek lightly.

"Of course, we can't be friends with benefits if we aren't friends," he said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Maybe it was and I was just too wrapped up in him or too cautious of the boundaries to see it.

"In that case, friend, what song should the band open with tomorrow night?" I asked with a grin. Gee laughed and I'd never seen him look so free. He rolled on his side and propped himself up on his elbow to look at me.

“You know Walk by Foo Fighters?” Gerard asked after pondering for a while.

“There’s not a Foos song we don’t know how to play.”

“Walk then. Play that for me, baby,” Gerard said with a soft smile.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is one half of a scene so I'll try and get the next one up asap!

I was out for drinks with the guys. Well it wasn't supposed to be drinks, it was supposed to be working on a new set list but Patrick was in the mood so it was tequila all round. I wasn't really up for getting wasted but the others were so I decided I would only stay for a few. 

They had all drunk twice as much as me so I was doing a bar run, leaving them in the booth to argue about who is the ultimate bass player (it’s either that or best singer when we are all drunk).

The bar wasn't too busy but there was only one guy serving. He looked fairly harassed so I gave him a friendly smile as he turned to serve me. He had cropped bleach blonde hair and a star tattoo behind his ear; he was kinda cute, I guess, but in an obvious way. 

"Four tequilas and four beers, right?" 

I winked at him and nodded to confirm the order as I got some cash out of my pocket. He lined up four glasses and poured the tequila over them in one continuous stream. His other hand was getting four bottles of beer from the fridge. He didn't spill a drop. I was impressed enough to tell him to keep the change when I paid him.

Nobody had come to help me so I picked up the shots first and took them over to the table. Pete was shouting something about Duff McKagan as I headed back to the bar. As I picked up the bottles, the cute bar guy held out his hand to pass me my change.

"I said keep it," I told him, shaking my head so he knew I didn't want the money back.

"I know, and I'm saying keep this," he said with a smile. 

It wasn’t my change in his hand; he tucked a piece of paper into the neck of one of the beers and winked at me. I didn't have to take it out to know it would be his phone number. He had turned to serve someone else so I walked back to the table.

"What the fuck is in your beer?" Patrick asked as I handed the bottles out. All the tequila glasses were empty and I wondered who had drunk mine. All the guys were looking at my bottle. 

"Take a look," I said, rolling my eyes. I tilted my bottle towards Patrick, he moved to take the paper but Pete beat him to it. He opened up the folded slip and actually screamed.

"Fucking hell! Jack? Is he the blonde one? He looks like a good fuck. Nicely done, Frankie!" Pete shouted. 

The table erupted into cheers and leery remarks. Eight weeks before I would have cracked a joke myself, possibly even waited for Jack’s shift to end and taken him for a drink, at the very least I might have returned the courtesy and slipped him my number too. But now Gerard was on my mind.

The guys were drunk enough not to notice my lack of enthusiasm. They were passing Jack’s number around and trying to get a good look at him through the crowd, Pete pointing obviously. Ray put the slip of paper into my hand and even though he was drunk he still looked at me like something wasn't right. I needed to get away from them, from their idiotic laughter and away from Jack.

I stood up with the piece of paper in my hand and they all cheered, assuming I was going back to Jack. 

"No need to be jealous, guys. You'll all find someone desperate enough eventually," I said with false bravado. They bought it though, even Ray.

I walked out of the place into the cool night without another glance towards the bar. I let Jack's number fall from my hand and stick to the damp concrete of the floor. I regretted that later; not because I ever intended to call him but I felt bad that he might see it, callously discarded, when he left work. Oh well, what else can you expect from a singer in a rock band?

I walked towards home filling my lungs with the damp air. I knew I could have fucked Jack; he was clearly interested and Gerard wouldn't care, I doubted he would even question me if I turned up on his doorstep smelling like Jack. I cared though. And I didn't want Jack. 

I regretted leaving my beer, I needed a drink. I ducked into the next bar I saw, even though it looked like a classy wine place where crowds of middle aged women pretend to have intellectual conversation and flirt with the too young for them staff.

I headed straight to the bar and sat on one of the impossibly high stools. There was only one other guy nearby but I'd purposely left a gap between us, I wasn't in the mood to talk. I ordered a beer then turned my full body to face the tables that made up the bulk of the place just in case the staff member decided to engage me in conversation or got an urge to pass me their number too.

I saw Billie Joe first, not that I recognised him – I didn’t know him then. But he caught my eye cos… fuck, don’t tell Gee this, alright? He caught my eye cos he’s hot. Not ‘Gerard hot’ but hot enough to make you look twice.

Billie Joe’s lips were moving pretty quick, talking to his companion but he was staring at me. I looked at the side profile his friend sat opposite him. 

The person I had come here to avoid thinking about was sat right in front of me, looking stunning tight jeans and a baggy tee. Gerard. Did he have to look so good? It was mind boggling.

Gerard turned then and looked right at me. I'm not sure what expression was on my face but Gee looked worried. It looked like he was trying to act cool, maybe for Billie Joe's benefit but I could see in his eyes he wasn't unhappy with me. He looked back to Billie Joe and I'm sure he said something like 'fuck'.

Billie Joe answered him then started to laugh. I could tell from Gerard’s posture he was tense, worried. I wasn’t exactly over the moon to see him since I was trying not think about him… especially since he was sat with someone as good looking as Billie Joe.

I couldn't take my eyes off Gerard. I thought about leaving but I knew I couldn't; I had to see how the night would play out… to see if he was going to take Billie Joe home. Gerard whipped his head round to look at me again and I couldn’t read his expression. He turned back as Billie Joe laughed again and I could Gerard tell was firing some words at him.  
The guy sat near me shuffled closer, the movement made me flick my eyes to him. He was blonde, a little older than me with a vague look of Brad Pitt. He had a stupid grin on his face.

"I was just gonna nail the one with the girly hair but I reckon I could take them both on," he said. 

His words unleashed a ball of pure rage in my chest. How dare he even look at Gerard, never mind talk about him like he was a commodity? 'Nail the one with the girly hair’ ugh. I wanted to punch him in his chiselled jaw but I repressed it.

"Join the queue, maybe I'll let you have the tattooed one," I spat at him. He clearly misinterpreted my hostility as camaraderie since his ridiculous grin got bigger and he held up his hand for a high five. Fucking hell, a new best friend for me. The only high five he deserved was in the face with a brick. 

I turned away from the guy before the urge to smash his face against the bar completely consumed me. Billie Joe saw me looking and gave me a shy wave, I waved back so it didn’t look like I was only watching them for the sake of looking at Gerard.

I focussed on Gerard and Billie Joe, watching their conversation flow as Billie Joe downed more and more drinks. Billie Joe’s drinking was the only saving grace that night; I knew Gerard wasn’t a fan of alcohol and it was unlikely he would be interested in someone who drank so heavily.

They were chatting more like friends than lovers, there were no stolen glances, no flirting, no touching… until Billie Joe tried to reach over the table and knocked one of his several thousand empty beer bottles over.

Gerard picked the bottle up and gave me another quick look as he did. I smiled at him but it think he missed it. Billie Joe tried to stand up when Gerard put the bottle back on the table but almost fell on his face.

Gerard was on his feet and round the table, helping Billie Joe keep on his feet. A small ball of jealous tightened in my stomach when Gee put his arm around Billie Joe’s waist; it got even bigger when Billie Joe slumped on him.

“He’ll be back,” Billie Joe shouted, slurring, in my general direction as they moved to leave. Gerard threw one last look over his shoulder before heading out the door.

My new best friend slammed his hand on the bar, the noise made me jump.

"Damn, they are both ripe for a good, hard fucking. That girly haired one looks like a born cocksucker," he announced. 

I couldn't look at him because I knew if did then I would have knocked him off the stool and kicked the shit out of him. I put some cash on the bar next to my untouched beer (I paid out for a lot of drinks that I never drank that night) then left the bar.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the second half, as promised.
> 
> It shows you another side of Frank... one I'm not sure everyone will like. It's not my fault though, it's not like I can control my characters of anything!
> 
> As a brief aside, the updates here will stop probably until next weekend as I'm without my laptop for the week... can't grumble too much though as the reason for it is my crazy idea to hit up a couple of Fall Out Boy dates across the country!

When I got outside Gerard was putting something back in his pocket, staring straight ahead. I stood behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist, my head on his shoulder so I could whisper in his ear.

“He not good enough to go home with?” I asked, intending it to be a joke but my voice was too tense. I kissed Gerard’s neck, hoping it would calm me as well as him if my words had annoyed him.

“Frank…” Gerard’s tone sounded frustrated so I didn’t let him continue.

“I don’t care if you’re sleeping with him. I know the rules.” I did care, I really fucking cared – rules or not. But I couldn’t let Gerard think that.

“Hell no! Billie is my best friend, that’s all,” Gerard said with a laugh. His words instantly soothed me and I carried on kissing his neck. “You’ve just gotta contend with the blonde guy.”

That pissed me off more than if Gee really had been fucking Billie Joe. The thought of that guy with Gerard… well, it’s enough to say my blood was boiling. I stopped kissing his neck and turned him around; I had to see his face to know if he was joking or not.

“Tell me you’ve got better taste than that,” I said, barely covering my disgust, when I couldn’t read Gerard’s expression.

“Of course; it’s De Rossi’s, everyone in there is desperate or diseased or both.” I’d never heard of the place, never been in it before that night, but I didn’t want Gerard to think I wasn’t cool enough to know that.

“Wow, thanks for that.”

“Current company excluded. What was you doing in there anyway? You stalking me?” Gerard sounded like he really thought I’d been tracking his every move.

“I didn’t know you’d be here, Gee. I just stopped off for a drink on my way home,” I omitted the part about the band and Jack.

“Hmmm.” Gerard smiled a little and seemed satisfied with my answer.

“But since you are here…” I said, keen to change the subject and of course take Gerard home.

“Since I am…” he whispered, catching up to my mood instantly.

I kissed his cold lips, parting them with my own and letting my warm tongue find his. Gerard pulled me against him and kissed me back, just as deeply. It was too much, he was too much.

“You know I’ve been watching you all night? Thinking about every single way I could fuck you,” I said against his ear once he pulled his lips away from mine.

“All night, huh? How you doing?” Gerard said with a grin. But then he took one look at the bulge in my jeans and trembled, letting out a shaky breath.

“About as well as you are.” I raised one eyebrow then pushed my body against his before kissing him. He was pretty much panting when I let him go so his next words were no surprise.

“I want you… now.”

“Ditto,” I fired out, mainly because my mind was racing; I’ve never said that word before and I hope to never say it again. I looked frantically for somewhere to take him. Bad night not to drive. It was starting to rain so indoors was the best option. I held his hand and headed back into the bar.

I saw the toilets and made a decision instantly. I pulled Gerard with me to the large disabled access cubicle. We both slipped in unseen by staff. I didn't care if customers saw us, I wasn't opening the door until I'd fucked Gee.

As soon as I was sure Gerard had locked the door I was on him. I had him out of his tee in no time and I pulled my own shirt off next. I almost choked with satisfaction when I looked at him, that smooth, flawless skin over his chest.

“Just look at you,” I breathed, really taking in the beauty of him. I span him round to so he could appreciate just how amazing he looked in the mirror. I got my jeans open while I kissed his neck, not sure which was more urgent.

When I looked in the mirror I saw something flash across Gee’s face, an idea. I didn't know whether to look at him directly or his reflection as he pulled down his jeans and slowly bent over. He still had his boxers on but I got the message when he started rubbing that perfect ass against my dick. I told you he was dirty.

“Oh fuck, baby,” was all I could manage to growl.

I don’t remember undressing him, I don’t remember fumbling through my pockets for lube, I don’t remember dropping my own jeans but apparently I did. It’s kind of a blur. I remember him saying something about being quick and in another situation I might have laughed about how accurate he was but I know I didn’t.

I knew Gerard was as eager as me though from the way he drove back against me when I pushed my lubed fingers inside him. I tried to be careful, as slow as I possibly could but he was making it impossible the way he was riding my hand.

I was inside him in the next second. I don't even remember pulling my fingers out of him. I was desperate to cry out but instead I clamped my teeth into my bottom lip. I locked eyes with Gerard in the mirror and it was almost funny that we were both biting our lips in the same way (he looked a lot fucking sexier than me though).

The cubicle was silent except for our breathing and the sound of sex, you know, that wet, fleshy sound? Don't pull that face, you've all made that sound, you know what I'm talking about. I wanted to hear Gee though. A risky move for public sex but I let one hand run up his back and into his hair. When I knew he watching in the mirror, I clenched my fingers around a section of his dark hair as he practically mewled with desire.

It worked; I could feel him trembling and he let go of that sexy bottom lip. He caught my eyes in the mirror then let out the tiniest whimper, like he was asking permission. The noise floored me. I nodded to let him know I understood then slipped my hand round to stroke him, not that I really got the chance since he pretty much came as soon as my fingers were around him. It was fucking hot though and pushed me right over the edge. I almost regret groaning so loud when I came, it was probably what gave us away.

Gerard slowly stood upright and I slipped my arms around his waist to help keep him on his feet. His pale skin against my tattooed arms, both of our chests rising and falling, the afterglow - we looked intense, we looked right, we looked glorious. Gee leaned back onto me and I kissed his shoulder, enjoying the view in the mirror.

Someone knocked on the door and it made us both spring into action.

“Hold on,” his voice sounded weirdly calm. I picked up both our shirts and threw Gerard’s to him. I was pulling up my underwear and jeans but when I got them mid thigh I realised I hadn’t even taken the condom off. 

A flash of black caught my attention as a pile of material landed by my feet, after a slow second I realised it was Gerard’s boxers. I picked them up but when I looked at him he was already trying to force his foot into his jeans, shoes still on. I shoved them into my pocket then pulled off the condom so I could fasten my pants. I had my tee in one hand and the used condom in the other when the annoying fucker knocked on the door again. 

“Alright,” I shouted, losing my patience. I fired the condom into the toilet and threw my top over my head. I couldn’t seem to find the hole for my arm but Gerard was somehow dressed again so he opened the door, just a little.

I couldn't see through the crack but I heard my new best friend at the door. He was saying something about a party. 

“You’re fucking kidding me,” I said under my breath. I didn’t think it was possible that he could piss me off any more but he had done it. What a dick. 

“Sorry, we’re all done. Maybe some other time,” I heard Gerard say to him. I allowed myself a quick smug smile then composed my face. I didn't want Gee to know I had heard so I pretended to style my hair in the mirror. 

From the reflection in the mirror I saw Gerard glance at the floor then at me. His boxers felt like they were burning a hole in my jeans pocket. I was gonna offer them back to him (he must have known I had them) but then he spoke.

“I’m glad you were here tonight,” he said quietly, unexpectedly.

“Me too.” I stared into his eyes through the mirror but he wouldn’t meet mine.

“Call me. Soon,” his parting words, along with a grope of my ass.

 

I came out of the toilet when I was sure Gerard would have already left the bar. I intended to go straight home myself but the blonde guy was back on his stool at the bar. The opportunity was too good plus he had really pissed me off by disturbing that perfect image of me and Gee.

I went over to the bar and he recognised me instantly. 

"Whoa, I thought you were joking but you seriously did it, you nailed that filthy whore," he practically shouted to the whole bar. If his words made me angry then it was nothing compared to how I felt when he put his hand up for another high five. Mistake.

"Yeah, come for a smoke, I'll tell you all about it," I said, my voice calm. 

I got out my packet and offered him a cigarette. He got off the stool and took one, I made a mental note to throw the rest of the packet away, I didn't want anything he had touched (not sure that rule would extend as far as Gerard though).

The street was deserted outside; even if it had been lined with crowds I would still have done the same thing. He still had the cigarette between his fingers; I didn't give him time to put it in his mouth before my fist connected with his nose. I'm a small guy but don't underestimate me; like Gerard has already told you, I'm stronger than I look and I can handle myself.

His nose exploded with a satisfying crunch, blood pouring from it as he uselessly tried to catch the gushing stream with both of his hands. I'd chosen to punch his face first purely for personal pleasure, I knew from experience I could pop his nose in one hit and it would feel amazing. I was right.

I hadn't done enough damage though so I smashed my forearm into his shocked face. I hope it loosened a few teeth. His head snapped back and he stumbled backwards. He tripped over the kerb and fell onto his back in the road. The fury was running through me now, every word he had said was burning into my brain, replaying through my ears. I decided to lay it out for him, punctuating each sentence with a boot to the ribs.

"You never ever touch him."

Kick.

"You never ever talk to him."

Kick.

"You never ever look at him."

Kick.

"You never even think about him."

Kick.

The guy was really sobbing now; blood and tears streaked his face. I knew if I didn't stop I would probably kill him. I put my foot on his throat, not hard enough to stop him breathing but enough pressure to let him know I was serious. I bent over to snarl in his face.

"And if you ever do, I will track you down and I will fucking end you." I was completely serious.

Then, in a true masterstroke, I pulled Gee's underwear out of my pocket.

"This is as close as you will ever get to him," I spat out as I forced the material into his mouth.

I left him lying in the street, crying and retching in the rain, his face covered in his own blood, tears and saliva. As I walked home I wondered idly how long it would take me to hunt down every man who had so much as looked at Gerard (never mind said disgusting things about him) and beat the shit out of every single one of them. I laughed at the thought and wondered if I might be going crazy. By the time I made it home I had decided I was sane enough, that it was probably just a combination of the tequila, sex with Gee and that guy's vile mouth and stupid face.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!
> 
> I had the best time screaming and dancing my pregnant ass off to Fall Out Boy - even managed to get a hand slap from Patrick *sigh*
> 
> Anyway, on with the story...

My house has always been the informal meeting place for the band so I wasn't surprised when they all turned up in Ray's van the following Sunday morning. I opened the door for them but Pete couldn't wait to get inside.

"TOURING, BABY!" Pete screamed in my face. I just looked at him and Ray punched him in his arm.

"Fucking hell, Pete. At least step through the door," Ray said as he shoved Pete over the step and I moved out of the way. Pete wasn't discouraged though, he was shouting the word 'touring' over and over as we all made our way into the front room.

"Shut up," Patrick and Ray said in unison. Pete was bouncing around my house so we ignored him and sat on the couch.

"What's got him so jacked up? And don't just say touring," I warned them. Patrick pulled an awkward face.

"It kind of is touring, man," Ray said. He had been warned. I smacked him around his head.

"I can't believe I'm saying this but, Trick, please make more sense than these two," I said. Patrick laughed but I looked at him with serious eyes. Pete was in the out back now, still jumping around on my perfect lawn.

"Pete's brother knows someone with contacts and a pot of funding for unsigned bands, he's been able to get us some cash to do four months around the country. I mean as long as we use Ray's van, eat and sleep where we can..." Patrick explained.

"Life on the road," Pete yelled as he ran into the front room.

"And this is your way of trying to convince me to do it?" I pointed at Pete who had taken his shirt off and was dancing on my coffee table, muddy fucking boots and all. Despite my outward attitude I was intrigued; even if it didn't do anything to progress the band it still sounded like a wild four months with three of my best friends doing what we love. 

"You don't need convincing, this could be our chance," Patrick said. Ray just nodded.

"When would we leave?" I asked but Patrick shrugged. Pete was still dancing and I was trying not to think about his dirty shoes on my coffee table.

"Maybe a week. They’ve got most of the schedule lined up, they are confirming dates as soon as we say yes," Ray said.

"Come on, Frankie. What have you got to lose?" Pete said. The crazy dude was right so I smiled and nodded as he continued. "There's nothing here for you that won't wait four months."

That last bit made my blood run cold. Gee. Shit. Gee... 

Waiting four months is exactly what he wouldn't do, for me or anybody. 

Ray noticed my frozen expression, the others didn't. 

"Hey, think about it, man. Don't let this idiot pressure you," he said, swiping at Pete to get him off my ruined coffee table. It wasn't pressure though, it was indecision. 

But I couldn't let the other guys suffer because of my dysfunctional relationship. Maybe Gerard would wait, there's phones and email, plus he fucked other guys now so what did it matter if he did it while I was gone? 

‘He might forget about you' a small voice whispered at the back of my brain. 

'So what if he does?' another imaginary voice answered.

I ignored both of the voices. 

If Gerard couldn't commit to me that was between me and him, not the band. It was only four months. Maybe the time apart would make him see, make him realise what we had.

"Fuck it, let's do it," I told the guys with a smile. 

I still don't know, even now, if it was the right decision.

 

The guys left not much later; Pete wanted to go pack (not sure buying an entire shelf of condoms can be described as packing) and Ray sensed that I wanted to be alone. I didn't though, I wanted to be with Gee.

I called his number but there was no answer. He doesn't have voicemail so it just rang out. As soon as the line cut I redialled but this time Gerard rejected the call. I wondered if it was an omen. Before I could dwell too much though I got a text from him: 'Busy' was all it said. No 'G' and no kiss, just one word. Fair enough. 'IMPORTANT!' I fired back. I got a longer response this time: 'If you're that desperate go fuck some groupie'.

Gerard had assumed I was calling him for sex. It stung a little but then that's exactly the reason we called each other, it was a logical assumption to make. 

'It's not about sex, my house, one hour, please?' I typed. I thought it sounded a bit desperate, especially without a kiss, but I sent it anyway.

Gee didn't reply. After ten minutes I was starting to get edgy. I had to at least give it the hour though, just in case he was on his way. I paced my front room while I waited.

Twenty four minutes later I heard a car pull up outside. I was behind the door when he knocked on it and I pulled it open instantly. As soon as I saw him I regretted my decision to go touring.

"You're early, come in," I told him as I moved to let him in. Gerard stepped past me and I tried to find some strength, some resolve.

I opened the door to the front room and Gerard walked through ahead of me. He sat on my couch, looking worried. I tried to feel my face from the inside, I don't know how I looked but it was enough to make him concerned. I sat next to him and after being so desperate to see him I had no idea how to explain my news.

"So if it's not sex what's so important that I had to be here in an hour?" Gerard asked. 

The next words didn't seem like I was saying them but I heard them in my voice.

"I'm leaving, Gee," the words filled the room as I looked into his eyes. I never expected such a strong reaction.

Gerard looked like I'd stabbed him. He looked like he was in physical pain. His face was almost unrecognisable it was so twisted and distraught. I was horrified that I'd done this to him. I didn't understand though; he didn't care about me that much that me being away for four months would tear him apart. But I hadn't said that, I'd said I was leaving.

"Not forever, not like I don't wanna see you anymore," I was tripping over the words in my rush to get them out. I almost touched him but I wasn't sure if it would make things worse. I balled my restless fingers into a fist and held it against my leg to stop myself. 

“Okay…” Gerard whispered, barely audible; I don’t think he even realised he had spoken. His face was still radiating pain but he was slowly gaining some control, his features starting to relax. I had to let him know why I was going. I wanted him to understand that it wasn't just a whim, that I wasn't throwing us away.

“It’s the band. We’ve been given the chance to tour.”

“That’s great,” he said, his voice a little louder.

“Really? Because you don’t look or sound like you’re too happy.” I couldn’t stop myself that time, the conversation was draining me and I needed to feel close to him; I rested my hand on his shoulder and sighed internally at the contact.

“Yeah, I am. Just… it’s the memories, you know?” Gerard said with a wince. He moved his arms like he was going to hug himself but he just rubbed his chest.

Frank, you are a fucking moron. 'I'm leaving'… what a line to say, it had obviously stirred up something deep for him. Without his trusty armour fully in place (because he wasn't expecting shit like that from me) it had nearly destroyed him.

“Shit, sorry. I didn’t mean to…” I wanted to continue, to beg his forgiveness, but Gerard held out his hand, gesturing for me to stop.

“It’s fine, I’m fine. When do you… get started?” Gerard sounded like he was being genuine but he had stuttered over a word. I wasn't sure what word he had omitted or why.

“End of the week,” I said quietly, worried it would cause him more upset. I looked into his eyes and was relieved to find they were bright and aware… he looked fine. That hurt me almost as much as when I had told him I was leaving. Not that I wanted him to be sad but it wounded me a little that he hadn't asked me to reconsider. “Unless I can find a reason not to go.”

“There isn’t one. You should be grabbing this opportunity with both hands, Frankie.” I couldn’t help but feel a little crushed by him… completely my fault though, I always expected too much from him.

“I guess. It's just local clubs and bars around the country for a few months. I don’t think it’s gonna lead to anything.”

"Come on, it's great news and you will have an amazing time," Gerard said with a smile that looking upsettingly genuine. "You probably didn't choose the best opening line, memories ya know, but it's fantastic."

"Aren't you gonna beg me not to go?" I said and instantly wished I hadn’t. I laughed a little to try and break the tension but Gerard was looking at me, disapproval plain on his face.

“Don’t do this. We both agreed at the start. You can’t put your life on hold, it’s not how this works. We can both step away from this at any time. No strings, remember?”

“No strings… but you can't blame a guy for trying,” I made my voice light and Gerard nodded in agreement. I leaned forward to kiss his cheek because I felt like I needed to show him I still cared. "Coffee?" I offered. I wanted him to know the intensity of the conversation was over.

"Only if I can smoke with it?" I slid the empty ashtray across my recently scrubbed with bleach coffee table towards him in answer and got up to make us both a drink.

 

Gerard stayed the whole afternoon. We smoked, drank almost my entire supply of coffee and discussed songs for the tour. He made me sing anything he was unfamiliar with but he refused to do the same for me, I was only teasing him though, I knew every song he mentioned. 

For the first time since we met there was no sex, we didn't even kiss (apart from to say goodbye when he left) it only reinforced everything I was losing for four months.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, sorry, sorry - I've been so busy and stressed that I've totally sucked at updating :( so here, have a bumper chapter!

There was a lot to take care of in terms of planning the tour; liaising with the organisers to confirm a route, trying to book some cheap places to stay (we hoped to sleep in an actual bed at least once a week) and set lists, endless set lists.

I didn't see as much of Gerard as I would have liked to but maybe that was a good thing, like weaning myself off him before I had to kick the habit completely. We were in contact more though, I text him regular updates and asked his opinion on song after song that, as a band, we were struggling to agree on.

I know it’s sleazy, and Gerard tried to save my blushes by not telling you, but I also sent him some naked photos. It was all we would have soon and I thought it was a good test to gauge his response before I left. He replied to every one of them though… he is dirty.

 

Gerard agreed to see me the night before I left to tour. It was bittersweet but I vowed to myself that I would make the most of it. I didn't want it to feel final or like a goodbye so I tried to make a joke, it was something about how I needed to top up my addiction, get a last hit or something. He said something light-hearted about there being lots of dealers on the road selling what he was giving away. I knew exactly what he meant but he was wrong.

Gerard agreed to come to my house that night since I needed the time to finish packing and I had a mammoth day of travelling ahead. I was sat on my front door step when Gerard walked up. 

I took the last drag of my cigarette as I looked at him. He had his beaten up Converse on and the contrast with his pristine black jeans had a sexy edge to it… I've bought him a new pair since, exactly the same, but he still wears the old ones. I stood up as he approached and fired the smouldering cigarette stub into next doors’ garden. 

"Bet the neighbours love you," Gerard said in greeting.

"What are they gonna do, make me pick it up in four months?" I didn't know whether it was a good thing or not to talk about our impending separation but I didn't want things to be awkward so I tried for normality. I kissed his lips like I always do when I see him then pulled him into my house.

"Aren't you cold?" I wasn’t, even just in my shorts, but Gerard put his hand on my chest and the contact made me shiver.

"A little but I'm sure you're gonna warm me up," I answered, ashamed how much his touch could impact on me, make my voice so breathless and weak. He kissed me and our cold noses touched. I wanted the night to last as long as possible and I couldn't help extending the kiss by forcing his lips open. 

"You hungry?" I asked him when we pulled apart. I knew he would be since he had come after work so I had sorted food. His stomach rumbled to confirm my words, I knew Gee so well even right from the start. It made me laugh and I put my hand on his stomach like I could erase his hunger with my palm. "I ordered pizza, it should be here soon."

"Cool, thanks, I didn't get chance for lunch today," he said as he stepped out of his shoes. I was going to tell him that he worked too hard and he needed to take better care of himself but before I could there was a knock at the door.

Gerard stepped away when I pulled the door open; I knew it would be the pizza but he didn't. I didn't often forget he was a secret to my friends and family, it must have been the whole leaving for four months thing playing on my mind. He relaxed when he heard the pizza guy announce himself and slipped past me to the front room.

I paid the guy, stopped in the kitchen to grab drinks then took everything into the front room. I dumped it all on the coffee table in front of Gee, he was curled on the couch. I turned on the stereo, knowing I'd already put a CD in that Gerard would love then sat next to him. He didn't miss the music choice, I didn't expect him to. He picked up a slice and nodded towards the speakers with his eyebrows raised.

"Okay, so they don't totally suck," I lied. The band totally fucking blow. They are too whiny to be classed as punk, I've no idea how they ever got signed. I took a bite of pizza and tried to look casual.

"You can't lie any better than me," Gerard said under his breath. He downed a mouthful of water and I ignored his comment. He was wrong anyway, I'm an amazing liar. Well, good enough to fool him most of the time. He would have never agreed to our relationship if he really knew how I felt about him, I could lie to him okay about that.

“Is this vegan cheese?” Gerard asked, his face slowly morphing into a grimace.

“Of course it is,” I said with a roll of my eyes. I’m not really sure what else he expected unless he wanted me to have a four month stint in the hospital rather than touring.

“Gross.”

“I like it.” Gerard looked at me like he didn’t believe me so I forced an entire slice into my mouth in one piece because I thought it might make him laugh.

"If you think I'm kissing you after that then you're dumber than you look," he said then threw his crust right at me. I dodged it as I chewed. Gee had his nose wrinkled in disgust but I knew he was faking. I called his bluff. 

I lunged at him so he fell back onto the couch and I used my body to hold his there. My mouth was full of pizza but I still planted kisses all over his face. Gerard was squawking and trying to kick himself free, his arms making weak attempts to bat me away.

"Get off, you're disgusting," he shouted but he was laughing so I ignored him. 

I managed to get both of his wrists in one of my hands so I could put a hand over his mouth. It barely stifled his giggles. I over exaggerated my chewing motions and swallowed in a big gulp. I opened my mouth as wide as I could to show it was empty.

"How about now?" I asked him but I didn't need an answer. I moved my hand to kiss him; he opened his mouth a little and sighed.

"You taste like fake cheese," he complained with a smile, wrinkling his nose again.

"Oh yeah? And you're any better? What do you think you taste like?" I questioned with a laugh. I jabbed a finger alternatively between each side of his ribs. He squirmed underneath me but somehow one of his hands grabbed my jaw.

"I taste like the best damn thing you'll ever have in your dirty mouth," he said lowly. I'm sure he didn't know how sexy the combination of his words and voice was. Gerard had flipped the situation in seconds.

"I know exactly what I want in my dirty mouth," I told him, making sure my voice reflected my mood. I kissed his throat as my hands found their way to his jeans. I didn't need to look what I was doing to get them unfastened and down his legs along with his underwear.

Gerard sighed softly when I sunk down his body. I blew a stream of air right between his legs and he started squirming beneath me. Gerard hates being made to wait for anything so I took my time, kissing up and down his thighs. His breathing got a bit too heavy when I trailed my tongue along a stretch of his inner thigh so I switched back to kissing. I hung my head right above his hard dick then flicked my eyes up, he was watching me so I made my expression look bored.

"Actually I don't think I'm hungry, that pizza has filled me up," I said then smiled. His stunned face almost made me laugh. 

Gerard raised one eyebrow then lifted his hips up towards me. It was hard but I managed to pull my head back enough so he couldn't reach me. He collapsed back down with a huge huff of air firing out of his lungs, still smiling but shaking his head.

"You wanna know what I think? I think you should shut the fuck up and suck my dick, bitch," he said in a threatening voice, a smirk playing around his lips. He nudged his knee into the side of my head as he said 'bitch' and it drove me wild.

"I love it when you talk dirty." I didn’t waste any more time with words, in truth I was as desperate as he was. 

I had him moaning in a second and it fuelled his rough mood; he grabbed a handful of my hair and tugged it, harder than the usual playful way. I groaned from the pleasure/pain sensation and he twisted his fingers further.

I know what Gee likes and I had made him wait long enough in the build-up so I licked exactly where he wanted me to, making sure to keep it slow, just the way he likes. He was moaning and grinding himself into my face so I knew he was getting close. It wasn’t my plan though, not what I wanted for our last night together, so I pulled my mouth away.

"Better than any pizza," I said then licked my lips.

“Fuck, Frank… don’t stop.” Gerard was still bucking his hips and it was almost irresistible.

“I don’t want you to peak early,” I told him with a wink but he was glaring at me. It was so hard not to cave, not to give him what he wanted. So before the urge overwhelmed me I ran. Straight to the one place I wanted him.

I could hear him calling me every name he could think of as I ran upstairs. It was cute. As soon as I was in my room I was out of my clothes in seconds. I threw myself on my bed and waited for him.

He looked pretty angry when he walked through my bedroom door. He stopped to fold his arms across his chest; not in that annoying self soothing way I hate but more of a ‘don’t fuck with me, Iero’ way. For some reason he had his boxers on and I briefly wondered if he was going to leave.

“Come on, don’t be mad at me.” I even jutted out my bottom lip into a pout for effect.

“You’re a shameful fucking tease,” his voice was light, still a little breathless, and I knew I was forgiven.

“Don’t pretend you won’t miss it,” I said then blew him a kiss. He shook his head like he was tired of my shit but he came over willingly when I crooked my finger at him.

Gerard made sure he took off his top before he climbed onto my bed, crawling over to me with a smile on his face. I pulled him to me when he laid next to me and kissed him, just lightly on his lips.

I kissed Gerard for a long time that night, I couldn't get my fill of him. I kissed his lips, his neck, his shoulders but mainly his lips. My fingers couldn't get enough of him either, they mapped out all of Gerard's body from my bed. Not all of it actually, not then. I would say it wasn't about sex but the evidence against that statement was straining against Gerard’s thigh. What I mean, I guess, is that it was more about being with Gee, soaking in every single bit of him, committing all of him to memory.

“I think I need to lose some more clothes,” Gerard said quietly when I released his mouth. I agreed but my lips were already busy running along his collarbone so I let my hands find his underwear.

Gerard pushed forward when I lifted my head; I had intended to tell him that he was right but he caught my mouth in a passionate kiss. He was clearly tired of my slow approach and used his tongue as motivation. It worked.

It was like my fingers didn’t belong to me. I wanted Gee out of his boxers but I just couldn’t make it happen. It wasn’t nerves or teenage fumbling; I was just so in need of him that I couldn’t make my body obey me, my head was full of him.

"Just rip them, you can always buy me more,” Gerard’s words broke the spell; my fingers found their strength and ripped through his underwear, destroying them in my need to get him naked. I tossed the remains over my shoulder so my hands were free to grope him, that stunning ass of his. 

“You know… in all this time, we’ve never switched.” Squeezing his ass had made me think of how he’d never fucked mine.

“We haven’t? Pass me a condom, I’ll rock your world,” Gerard gave the best answer I could imagine, even though I’d been half thinking aloud rather than demanding a change. I grabbed supplies from my bedside table, initially excited, but then it hit me. It was our last time. It could be our last time forever. Gerard was looking at me expectantly.

“Should I really be giving up the chance to be inside you one more time?” I asked him, not really sure what the right answer was.

“Should you really be giving up the chance to have me inside you for the first time?” Gerard made a good argument so I didn’t stop him from taking the lube and condom from me.

Gerard’s eyes were intense, smouldering, his movements memorising… I mean all he was doing was popping the top on a bottle of lube but it was honestly so fucking beautiful it could have been an entire ballet playing out in front of me. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him.

I expected Gerard to be gentle and he was. He teased me a little first, no more than I deserved since I’d been doing it to him all night, but when he pushed his fingers inside me there was something caring about it; not just a necessary action. He was good. He made me pant and whine like I hadn’t in a long time. I was almost disappointed when he pulled out but I knew better things were coming.

“Let me,” I whispered, my tone almost a question. Gerard nodded and let me pick up the condom and lube. I wanted to return his soft touches, I wanted him to know how much I appreciated him… yeah, and how much I fucking loved him. 

I thought Gerard would be just as gentle with me and it seemed at first like he was going to. But after he slowly eased into me his wild mood from on the couch came back; he bottomed out in one swift movement. 

My fist clenched around my bed sheets at the unexpectedness and I would have screamed at the ache if it didn’t feel so fucking good. He felt much bigger than he is… that sounds like I’m saying he’s small – he’s not! Gerard has a big dick, okay? Let’s move on before he kicks my ass.

I heard him say something, I think it was ‘fuck’ or something like that, the word wasn’t important; it was his voice. He sounded so fucking sexy, his voice uncharacteristically gravely, all heavy and loaded with need. It made me shudder, not just a little, my whole body convulsed as he spoke. It was almost too much.

“Gerard,” I pretty much sobbed, my body so desperate for him it was hard to comprehend.

“I know,” he breathed. It wasn’t necessary, I could see in his eyes he was just as in need as me.

It was almost like he wanted to be gentle but his desire wouldn’t let him. After a few tentative motions, Gerard was soon into a punishing rhythm. I didn’t care. I wanted him, and every single part of himself he was willing to give. I kept him as close as I could, with my arms, my legs… I wanted to hold him with my lips too but I couldn’t quite finish asking him to kiss me; each time I tried he hit my prostate again and had me moaning.

Gerard’s hair was sticking to his forehead, swinging around him with each thrust and clinging where the sweat soaked his skin. He looked magnificent. I’m not exaggerating, the man is fucking sex on legs anyway, but… fuck, he looked like a god. 

“Cum, Frankie,” Gerard panted, halfway between a demand and a plea. You know I can’t resist him, can’t say no to him. It took most of my strength to unlock my fingers from around his forearm. Gerard’s eyes followed my hand to my dick and, even though he must have been expecting me to, he looked stunned when I touched myself.

His hips shook, one jittery thrust as he pushed deep then cried out. It only took me two more strokes and I was there too, writing on the bed as my orgasm overwhelmed me.   
I don’t think he meant to but Gerard relaxed his arms and his chest crashed onto mine. I only managed to get my arm out of the way seconds before. I could feel him breathing heavily against my neck and when he tried to move away I kissed his lips to let him know it was okay to stay.

The feel of our chests rising and falling, our skin pressed tight, our tongues moving together; it was too intimate, too close, too emotional. Any other time I would have handled it but knowing I would have to leave him… I was struggling. He was still shaky when he pulled back again but this time he managed to hold himself above me. 

And then he kissed me. On my forehead. It was so perfect that when he looked into my eyes I’m surprised I didn’t cry.

I stared at his smiling face, knowing it could be my last chance to ask him… to ask him to do something I'd wanted to happen every time I'd seen him. And now I was running out of time. I knew it was against the rules but if I didn't ask him now I might not be able to again. It was one experience I really wanted to share with him.

"Gerard, will you stay the night?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. I couldn't tell what he was thinking, his face didn't seem to react at all. I held my breath. He reached out to stroke my face and I closed my eyes because his beauty was too much to bear. I rubbed my face against his hand, savouring the sensation. I braced myself for his reply.

"Yes," I heard him say softly. I don't know if it was his answer or the feel of his lips on mine or both but tears formed behind my closed lids. I opened my eyes slowly in the hope I could control them but one tear rolled out. Gerard wiped it away with his finger and put his lips to mine again.

Gerard rolled off me and I took the opportunity to wipe my face and force my tears back into my eyes; I didn't want us both to drown under all my pointless tears. 

No, seriously there was only that one... I don't want you to think I was sobbing like a baby because he agreed to sleep less than a foot away from me. 

Shut up.

It was emotional, okay?

Anyway, Gerard curled up next to me with one arm over my stomach and his head on my shoulder. He didn't have to but he did. I will genuinely always be grateful for that. I kissed his forehead and thanked him. I didn't just mean for staying, I meant for everything.

Gee didn't answer me but I remember knowing for sure that he had understood because he kissed my collarbone and squeezed me the tiniest bit. 

Gerard fell asleep first and I watched him for a while. I listened to his heartbeat and steady breathing. I kissed his hair and I talked to him. Whispered really… so many things I had always wanted him to know; how he looked the night I met him, how much he had changed my life and how I truly felt about him.

I don't remember falling asleep but I remember waking up when Gerard rolled away from me in his sleep. It was dark but I don't know what time it was. The curve of his spine under his pale skin was just visible in the darkness. I brushed his hair away from his neck so I could kiss down his back. I'd only got halfway down when I felt him shiver under my lips.

Within minutes I was on top of him, both of us moving together like one as we called each other’s names in the darkness.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tissues at the ready...

I was awake five minutes before my alarm went off at 6am. I spent those five minutes sitting in bed watching Gerard sleep. I realised as my alarm started shrieking that I could have spent at least ten seconds of that time turning my alarm off so I could have woken Gee more gently. I turned it off as quickly as I could but not fast enough.

Gerard's arm reached out but he couldn't find the imaginary alarm he was reaching for. He managed to drag his head off the pillow to glare at me. 

"Who the hell gets up at this time on a Saturday?" Gerard whined. 

"Someone with a long day of travelling ahead. Sorry, I probably should have told you that I've gotta be on the road by eight," I explained, feeling a little guilty. I brushed his hair away from his face to get a better look at him. There's something really attractive about Gee when he's just woken up, I was pleased I'd had the chance to see it.

"It's fine, I can shower at home once I've done the walk of shame," he said with grim humour.

"The stride of pride?" I threw out as a viable alternative. He laughed then got out of bed.

"Can you gather up my clothes?" Gerard said as he stretched. I nodded as I tried to remember where they all were. "Bathroom?"

I got out of bed to show him across the hall to my bathroom. I pulled on my shorts that were strewn by the bedroom door and went downstairs.

I grabbed his jeans from the front room, folding them as I headed back up the stairs. I could hear the tap running and the bedroom was empty so I picked up his shirt, folded it and put the clothes on my bed. As I turned around my toe got caught on something soft and grey. I picked up what was left of Gee's boxers and put them on top of the pile.

I was still laughing about it in the kitchen when I heard his voice float down the stairs.

"You're not funny," he shouted. I am very fucking funny. His attempt at trying to make his soft feminine voice sound angry just made me laugh more. Moments later he bounded down my stairs and into the kitchen, fully dressed.

"Coffee?" I offered.

"Nah, not before I've smoked at least two cigarettes," he said. I smiled at him but I had to work at it. I knew the time had come for Gerard to leave. I didn't know what to say but we both knew the inevitable was close. I walked him to the door in silence.

I couldn’t believe I was preparing to say goodbye to Gerard. It went against every instinct in my body. I didn’t want to go. I couldn’t leave him. I needed him by my side.

“If I asked you to come…” I started but instantly regretted it when he spoke before I could get the whole sentence out.

“You wouldn’t,” his voice was firm; it hurt at the time but I couldn’t blame him... after all, he was right. I would have but only if I knew 100% that he would have said yes.

“Or if you asked me to stay…” I tried a different tack but he sighed.

“But I won’t,” Gerard said with so much certainty it was hard not to take it personally.

There was only one other thing running through my mind. One question. One question that I knew the answer to but I was going to ask it anyway. I knew it would have tormented me for the whole four months if I didn't hear the answer from him. 

"I know I shouldn't ask and I think I know the answer but if I don't say it then I'll always wonder. Will you wait for me?" I put it out there, knowing he would say no.

Gerard shook his head and took my hand as he looked into my eyes. I'm sure he could see the sadness there. I hoped he could understand why I had needed to say the words.

"You know I can't promise that, four months is a long time, Frank," he said in a gentle voice, like he knew the words would cut me so he tried to make them soft. "Anyway, you won't even think of me; you will have plenty of groupies to keep you busy, a blow job is practically an autograph these days," he smiled at his joke. We both knew nothing like that was going to happen; it's just not me, not my style (even before Gee).

I remembered the words I had wrote for him, not exactly a love letter but something for him to read, to think about and hopefully understand. It was tucked in my back pocket, ready to hand over.

"Then promise me this, please don't open this until tonight, until I'm gone," I said as I gave him the envelope. I didn't want to be around when he opened it. I didn't know what his reaction would be but I was sure if I saw it then I would never be able to leave.

"Of course," he said simply. I waited for him to put it in his pocket then I hugged him. I squeezed him so tight that my arms were numb when I let him go to kiss him. I poured everything into that last kiss, all of my passion, I gave him everything.

"Good luck, Frankie," he breathed when I finally released his mouth. I hoped he just meant for the tour but it sounded like a goodbye, final somehow. Gerard turned and walked away from me just as my face collapsed. He never saw how I really felt about leaving him and I'm glad about that.

 

There wasn't time to dwell on any of it though. I had to shower and get ready to leave for the tour. I took a deep breath and pushed my feelings down, not completely smothered but enough for me to vaguely function. Ray showed up just before 8am with all the equipment already in the back of the van. We decided to pick up Pete last so we headed to Patrick's once my bags were loaded.

I tried but I clearly didn't have the right expression, Ray kept flicking his eyes towards me as he drove in silence. I made more of an effort when we got to Patrick's, I didn't want to kill the mood for the guys, but I'd gone too far in the opposite direction. Ray noticed.

After I'd finished screaming with forced excitement in Patrick's face and he'd gone to get his bags I felt Ray's hand on my shoulder. I span round and his serious brown eyes looked right into my head, like he was reading through all of my thoughts. I unconsciously flinched away from his probing stare.

"There is something here for you that won't wait four months isn't there?" Ray asked, referencing Pete's words from the day I agreed to the tour. I didn't want to do this, not when it was all so fresh. I shrugged and looked at the floor. "We don't have to go, it's not too late, man," Ray said in a concerned voice.

"It is too late," I breathed, thinking about the way Gerard had wished me good luck and the finality of it all. Ray hugged me then, right on Patrick's parents’ lawn, a strong manly embrace and patted me on the back.

"If he's still here in four months then he's a keeper," Ray said when he released me. He was just trying to help, to say the right thing, but his words only reminded me that Gerard was a keeper but he probably wasn't gonna be here in four months. 

I nodded weakly, not even realising I was acknowledging to Ray that it was a guy that was causing my misery. Patrick shouted from his house that he needed help so I went inside. Right then I didn't want to be alone with Ray but over the time of the tour it was him that kept me going on the toughest days. 

Ray is my best friend and I wish I had told him all about Gerard from the very start.

 

It was a long drive to our first gig and Ray did pretty much all of it. It was easier to keep my spirits up with the other two as a buffer between me and Ray. There was never a second of silence (there rarely is where Pete is involved) and I relished the noise; it stopped me thinking too much.

We got to the venue with a few hours to spare so we got something to eat and checked in to the budget hotel we had booked that was over the road from the bar. We were all a little buzzed about playing somewhere new and I think that first night was the best performance we gave in the whole four months.

Afterwards at the hotel I thought about Gerard. I hoped he had read the note I passed him and I wondered how he felt about it… about us. I didn’t want to hurt him but the words summed up everything about us and how our relationship felt to me, I hoped he understood that. He felt so far away from me already in so many different ways. It was hard to believe I had been kissing him less than twenty four hours before.

I took advantage of having my own room, some privacy, and I cried. I had to get it out or it would consume me so I sat on the edge of the hard bed and I cried for Gerard. 

I cried because he wasn't mine, he never really had been. I cried because I couldn't make him mine. I cried because I'd left him. I cried because I knew four months without him was going to be hell. But most of all, I cried because I loved him.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick update, will try for another as soon as possible as the next few run on.

I'm not gonna pretend I spent the whole four months crying about Gerard and mopping up streaked eyeliner from my cheeks because I didn't. Mainly there wasn't the privacy or the time. Our schedule was jam packed and we slept in the van a lot. I could have paid for hotels more often but the guys wouldn't let me and to be honest I didn't really want time alone in a generic hotel room. 

It's all part of life on the road anyway; sleeping where you can, surviving on energy drinks and god awful veggie burgers from cheap, dirty stands. There's always a house party somewhere when you're on tour. We spent a fair amount of time drinking other people's beer in filthy student houses while Pete took his pick of the willing people.

That's not fair actually, to single Pete out, all three of them have got tales of debauchery to tell from our time away. Not me though. I had enough offers but I wasn't interested. I lied to the guys because I didn't want them to think anything was wrong. They know me so they knew it wasn't unusual for me not to be over indulging in one night stands but every few weeks I would make up some story about an imaginary guy and an imaginary sex act. Only Ray knew every word was bullshit but he never called me on it.

 

I've jumped a little, sorry, back to leaving Gee. 

I wanted it to work out, I wanted us to stay in contact but I also didn't want to force him to if he didn't want to. I didn't hear from him by the Sunday so I called him the Monday night. He sounded happy enough to hear from me and asked a few questions about how the gigs were going and what the venues were like. Just hearing his voice put a smile on my face and I told him things were great.

The next call a week later was different, shorter and more stilted. I told him more tales from the road and he listened but he didn't really offer any of his own information or stories about his week. 

By the third phone call I filled in the blanks. I could guess what he was leaving unsaid; the only new thing Gerard was doing was other guys.  
I didn't call him again. I didn't want to hear him with nothing to say, I knew what the silence meant and it hurt. I guessed the calls weren't easy for Gee either, he must have known how one sided the conversations were. 

So I gave him an out, I stopped calling, I let him go because I knew it was best... for him. It wasn't easy and of course Ray noticed the difference in me. He never asked and I didn't tell but he was always there with a supportive arm around my shoulder to pull me through whenever I needed it, to rebuild me every time I fell apart.

 

In truth, for the most part, those four months flew by. Like I said, we were booked solidly and party after party meant sleeping most of the day before a gig then the pattern repeated. 

We all had times when we struggled, all for different reasons, but we got each other through it. The tour did little to progress the band’s fame and fortune but we had an unbelievable time and it bonded our group even more. We were all ready for home though when the time came.

We decided to drive back right after the last gig, even Pete was tiring of after parties and it was a five hour drive we would have to face hung over if we didn't leave that night. I drove us the entire way, one of the guys always kept me company though while the others slept. It was a weird feeling being so desperate to get home but also being unsure what I would find when I got there.

I dropped Pete and Patrick at their homes then drove to my house. Trick had taken the last stint of keeping me company at the wheel while Ray slept so he was alert enough to take his van home.

"Good times, man," Ray said as we stood on my drive by his van, smoking as the sun rose.

"Yeah, I'm glad we did it," I told him because it was the truth.

"I'm guessing we won't be seeing you this weekend…" Ray clamped his hand on my shoulder. I sighed. I knew exactly why he said it but I didn’t have an answer.

"I don't know, it's been four months," I said, trying to stay vague. Ray smiled and dropped his cigarette stub.

"Man, if he feels half as strong as you do then he's gonna be at your door any minute," he stamped on the cigarette as he spoke. I didn't want to go through everything so I shrugged then smiled weakly at him.

"I'll call you," I told him.

"Call him first," Ray replied. This time I hugged him. 

He got into the driver's seat and I couldn't let him leave without saying something.

"Thanks, Ray, you know, for it all," I struggled to keep my voice level.

"Anytime, Frank," he said with a warm smile and I knew he meant it.

 

I went straight to bed since I'd drove all through the night. I'd forgotten how comfy my bed was and how easy it is to sleep without three guys snoring next to you. I slept far longer than I intended and woke feeling refreshed after twelve hours.

I checked my phone and I had messages from Pete and Patrick, both saying how much they enjoyed our time away. With my phone in my hand, Ray's words about calling Gee echoed in my ears. I debated it but it had been too long and what would I say? 

It was a Friday though and so maybe Gerard would be out. Even if he had met someone and fallen madly in love during the last four months (I cringed thinking about it) it still wouldn't stop him going out; he never did if for the alcohol, just the chance to relax and be with friends. I needed to see him, even if it was just from a distance. So I got ready to hit the bars.

Having a shower had been a luxury on the road so I took my time, enjoying the feel of the hot water. I pulled on some random clean clothes from my wardrobe, grabbed my packet of cigarettes and got in my car.

Evo's and Korova are the busiest places on a Friday plus they were Gee's two favourite bars. Korova is closer to my house so I drove there first. I wasn't nervous as I drove and parked up. I was when I stepped through the door though.

I moved slowly through the bar, looking at every man with black hair. I couldn't see him. I had a mini panic attack when I realised Gerard might not even have long, black hair anymore; he could easily have dyed or even cut his hair… I’d let mine grow out on tour. I rescanned the club, looking at every man this time, black hair or not, but still no Gerard. I was too impatient to wait so I left and headed to Evo's.

Gerard wasn't there either. I knew one of the bar staff and he tried to strike up a conversation, asking how the tour had gone. I told him a few short stories as I stood by the bar and eyeballed every guy in the place, looking for Gee. I thought about asking the barman if he had seen Gee but it would cause too many issues.

Sat back in my car I thought about driving back to Korova but I knew I would just end up going back and forth between the two bars all night… I didn’t want to go to De Rossi’s, didn’t want to think about Gerard being there or his reasons. I thought about calling him again but it was just too difficult. I turned the key in the ignition and headed home.  
At least that was what I intended but fifteen minutes later I was pulling up outside Gerard's apartment block.

The building looked just the same as I remembered it and it gave me a warm feeling that something hadn’t changed. I could see a faint light in his bedroom window when I looked up. He was home. The light looked like a television screen because it flickered and changed constantly.

I spent an hour silently arguing with myself about whether or not to knock on his front door. I wanted to but that would be even more pressured than a simple phone call. Also, I didn't know if he was home alone...

I lost the debate with myself and eventually drove home. I let myself into my empty house and sat on my couch in darkness. I was too keyed up to sleep so I smoked my entire packet of cigarettes and the pack I keep for emergencies. 

I thought about calling him again. I thought about calling Ray and telling him everything. I thought I might have lung cancer from my intense bout of chain smoking. I thought about another man in Gerard's bedroom. I thought I might be going crazy. I fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you wanna hear more about what happened on tour.... I think Ray kept a diary ;)


	13. Chapter 13

I woke up on my couch around lunchtime on Saturday feeling disorientated but less crazy than the night before. I wandered to the kitchen but of course there was nothing in the fridge. I didn't bother getting changed; I didn't even look in the mirror before I jumped in my car and headed to the closest store.

With my kitchen restocked (mainly with beer and a few other essentials) I made a sandwich and ate it as I walked upstairs. While I was shopping I had decided to try again at the same bars. I couldn't believe Gerard had given up going out, especially not on a Saturday night.

I had a text from Ray while I was getting ready: 'You haven't called me so I hope you've called him'. I laughed at the idea of Ray being an agony aunt, picturing him with glasses on a string round his neck, penning saccharine sweet responses to the problems of teenage girls. 'I'm on it' I sent back. If I didn't see Gerard tonight I would definitely call him.

 

I decided to try Korova first again… I wasn't sure if the repetition was helping or harming my imagined insanity. I had intended to leave my searching until later in the night since it was Saturday but I needed more cigarettes (plus I was getting frustrated sitting around my house).

As I walked through the door of Korova I suddenly felt self conscious, like I hadn't dressed right or I was being judged. I looked down in scrutiny at my ripped black jeans and my band tee and tried to remember if I had styled my hair. My palms were sweating and I could feel my heartbeat in my throat. The only possible explanation I can give for this is that somehow my body knew Gerard was there, that I would see him in minutes.

 

I headed to the bar as a starting point for my man hunt but before I got there I saw him. Gerard. My Gee. Practically unchanged in the four months since he walked away from my house. I say practically unchanged, I'm sure he was even more gorgeous. 

Gerard had seen me too, he was watching me from a booth in the corner. I didn't even decide to approach him, my feet just did it.

I couldn't take my eyes off him as I walked. His black, straight hair was a little shorter and more styled, he was wearing his work uniform, complete with that bright red tie like the first time I ever saw him. This time it wasn’t an imagined thought; it was a memory, I knew the feeling of his full lips wrapped around my cock.

Gerard didn't look unhappy to see me but he wasn't exactly singing from the rooftops either. I pulled out my lead singer, stage bravado and sat down next to him.

"Fuck, Gee, you're looking good," I said because it was true. I was surprised by the confidence in my voice. He looked at me and I couldn't read his eyes. He looked towards the bar and honestly, I really am ashamed of my next actions. I think I did it to get his attention, maybe to let him know nothing had changed, I don't know… maybe I really was a little insane. 

I put my hand high on his leg… alright, I say high but really it was pretty much his groin. Told you already, I'm ashamed of it but it happened and I have to live with it.

Gerard turned back to me pretty quick and I almost flinched. I genuinely thought he was going to slap me (I would have deserved it) but he didn't, he just looked into my eyes. I knew I had him so I kissed his shocked mouth. In a second he was kissing me back, he even put his hand on the back on my neck as he slipped his tongue into my mouth.

It was like I'd never left. The last four months dissolved into the air along with all my doubts and fears that he wouldn't remember me, wouldn't want me, that he would have moved on. The rest of my morals seemed to vanish as well because without even knowing it I had my hand pressed against him.

Gerard pulled his head back but only to gasp as I rubbed my thumb over his cock with just the right pressure in just the right spot to make him shudder; even though it had been four months I didn't even need to try, I’m so in tune with Gerard’s body, it's like an inbuilt sexual reflex… I’m weirdly proud of that. I kissed his neck and I felt his uneven breathing in his throat. I laughed at how easy the reunion was, I don't know why I'd been so worried.

"Some things never change," I murmured against his skin.

"Frank. The bouncer is watching us," Gerard panted. I had to look at him to check it really was Gerard; had he forgotten how we first met?

“No worse than a diner full of people, huh?” I reminded him with a laugh.

“Frank.” I heard the warning in his tone but satisfaction shot through me at hearing him say my name.

"Maybe some things do change," I said under my breath, confused at his concern.

"I just don't wanna get thrown out of the one decent place to drink," he admitted. Gee, my unchangeable, dirty Gee. I turned to look at the bouncer, I planned to stare him down, but then Gerard’s words replayed in my head. Why would he care about drinking?

“You don’t drink,” I told him but lost my conviction when I saw the bottle of beer on his table. What the fuck was that about? Gerard? Drinking?

"Some things definitely do change," Gerard said in a quiet voice, snapping me out of my inner shock. I couldn’t work out why he was drinking. I guessed something bad had happened while I’d been away… but not bad enough to turn him back into the wreck he had been when I first met him. It didn’t really matter though, not when Gee was looking at me with desperate eyes.

I leant forward to kiss him again, forgetting about the beer and the bouncer. Gerard moaned under my lips and touch. His hand stroked my leg, inching closer until he was copying my motions. 

I heard somebody right next to me clear their throat. I didn't wanna take on the bouncer but I would if I had to. I pulled my head back and felt someone grip my shoulder, too tight to be friendly. Gerard’s face was a blend of pleasure and frustration. I had forgotten about the bouncer and was going to kiss Gee again but then I heard a deep voice.

"I think you need to leave," the guy boomed, squeezing my shoulder tighter. I glanced up at him and his scowling face made it clear he meant me. The guy was huge and I wouldn’t have a chance, plus Gerard was starting to look scared.

"Okay, I'm leaving," I said as I stood up. I held my open hands towards the bouncer so he knew I wasn't going to start anything but he insisted on walking me to the door.


	14. Chapter 14

Outside there were a few people queuing to get in the bar. If you've never been thrown out of anywhere I would highly recommend it. If you're sober enough to style it out then people look at you like you're some dangerous criminal or a movie star they have been lucky enough to catch a glimpse of.

I ignored the awed and horrified faces in the queue and walked to the corner of the building. I wasn't leaving without Gerard. I lit a cigarette while I waited for him to follow me because I thought it suited the image of a guy who had just been thrown out of a rock bar… hey, I'm a crowd pleaser.

I was too impatient to smoke more than half of it though. I threw it to the floor and fished my phone out of my pocket. A little late but I followed Ray's advice, I called Gerard. Seriously? You really think I would have deleted his number? Maybe I'm not the insane one...

Gerard answered pretty quickly and I didn't give him chance to speak. As soon as the call connected I was talking.

"Gerard, outside now," I growled and then hung up. I was glad my voice was husky enough that it sounded like a sexual demand as opposed to a violent threat. I stayed leaning against the wall, trying to decide how long to give Gee before I took out the smaller doorman outside and dragged him out myself.

I didn't need to worry though, it was only a few minutes before Gerard stepped out of the door and looked around for me. He looked amazing and I was mentally undressing him as he approached me. He was walking too slow though so I stepped forward to meet him. I grabbed his face and kissed him like I'd imagined each time I had thought about our possible reunion. I groaned with pleasure when our tongues touched.

I let go of his face to run my hands up the backs of his legs to grope that perfect ass. I could almost feel the indents from where my fingers had squeezed him so often.   
Gerard’s hands were in my hair. I almost pulled my mouth away to beg him to pull it but he read my mind; his fingers locked around my hair and tugged hard. I couldn’t stop myself pushing against him, not that I needed to set the tone; I already knew he was hard from when I, let's face it, sexually assaulted him in the bar.

“Your hair got long,” he said in his unique, sassy way. It had my heart vibrating with joy to know he was still as bold as I remembered.

“And yours got short.” I didn’t tell him I preferred it but I do.

“Still enough to pull,” his reply went straight to my cock.

“Fucking praise be. My car's down the street." I had planned to drive us back to my place but then Gerard smiled… his wicked, teasing, dirty smile. 

I grabbed Gerard’s hand and pulled him to my car. I let go of him to find my keys and he stopped by the passenger door. I was in no fit state to be driving anywhere. I unlocked the back door and pulled it open.

"Get in, Gee. I've waited four fucking months, I'm not gonna last much longer." I really wasn’t. 

Gee looked at my face, decided I was telling the truth, and climbed in. He made sure he rubbed his ass against me as he passed and I literally went weak at the knees.

"Fuck, I've missed you," I groaned as I got into my car, the first time I’d ever sat in the back. I pulled my tee over my head and caught Gerard staring at my new tattoo. I chased away my reasons for the new addition while I’d been on tour and used his tie to pull him into a deep kiss.

“Why are you dressed for work?” I asked him before he could ask about my tattoo. 

“Fashion statement,” he said breathlessly while I opened his shirt. It took him seconds to pull it off then he was sat on my lap, his lips on my chest.

I’d missed him. More than I could say. 

Without thinking, without even trying, my hands were in his hair; almost an automatic reaction as I pulled just the way he likes. He lifted his head up and moaned; a sound I’d missed sorely.

I kissed his neck, barely resisting the temptation to bite it, while he worked at getting my jeans open. Don’t ask me how we managed to undress in the cramped space without causing ourselves a serious injury cos I have no idea. Doesn’t matter – what was important was that I finally, after four fucking months, got to see Gee naked again.

“In date as well,” I heard him say, jolting me back to the present. He had a smirk on his face and a condom in his hand. It took me a slow minute to get the reference and when I finally understood I saw the sachet of lube too and there was nothing else on my mind. I kissed him, urgently, and took the shiny packets from him. 

It took seconds. Seriously. I’m talking one, two, three, four, five… then my lubed fingers were inside him. I shouldn’t have started with two but he didn’t complain. I tried to be gentle, to take my time, but he was making all these desperate little moans while I worked him. I tried to focus on kissing his throat but that just made me more eager.

"Oh fuck, baby, I need to be inside you,” I murmured against his skin. He shuddered under my lips and it almost pushed me over the edge. I couldn’t wait any more; I slipped my fingers out of him and focussed instead on opening the condom.

I was going to ask him if he wanted me to move over so he could lay over the seat but it clearly wasn’t what he had in mind; I’d only just got my mouth open to speak when he dropped down onto my lap. If anyone was passing my car at that exact second they could have been forgiven for thinking the engine was roaring to life with the noise that rumbled out of me.

I’d missed Gee. All of him. The relief of being back where I belonged was indescribable, I didn't get chance to fully appreciate the moment though because Gerard was already riding me.

I grabbed hold of his hips, intending to help him out but it was quickly apparent he didn’t need me to; judging by his moans he had missed me too. The sight of Gerard on my lap after so long was second to none but when he reached up to brace himself against the roof of the car while he bounced… fuck, that shit should be illegal.

“Do you know… what you look… like?” I asked him, my heavy breathing making the question sound even more filthy. Gerard looked at me through lidded eyes then shook his head, his hair swinging around his glistening face. “Fucking perfect,” I told him, hoping he would understand just how true it was. He smirked at me then started pumping his own dick.

That was too much. Too fucking perfect. I squeezed his hips (because my hands were pretty much frozen there) and pushed up as he dropped down, groaning as I came. Almost in the same second Gerard moaned and covered his own fist as well as my chest.

Gerard flopped forward onto me, his chest pressed against mine as we both struggled to breathe. I played with his hair, only stroking not pulling, while listening to his panting, feeling his heart beat against me. I felt more complete, happy and whole, than I had in a long time. 

I didn't want him to think this was a one time thing but I didn't want to pressure him either. That after sex high made me tell him the truth.

"I'm so glad you were here tonight. I was getting tired of hanging round waiting for you,” I whispered to him.

"Waiting for me?" Gerard said, looking up at me with his eyebrows pulled together.

"I wanted to call you the minute I was back but I didn't know how things would be between us, I didn't want any pressure or awkwardness. I thought it would be better if we just happened to see each other in a social setting and I could act casual," I confessed under his curious gaze.

"And casually feel me up in a bar?" Gerard said playfully. He was smiling so I knew he didn't mind but it didn't make me feel any better. I blushed at my inappropriate behaviour.  
"Yeah, sorry about that but when I saw you again I just couldn't resist you. I've never been able to help myself around you," I said even though he already knew it.

I pulled on my jeans when Gerard moved off me (too lazy and satisfied to find my underwear) then moved to the driver’s seat so Gerard had enough room for his long to legs to redress. I handed him his shirt over my shoulder and I saw his eyes flick to the side, looking out of the misty window towards the bar. 

"If you still want a drink my fridge is full of beer.” I didn't want him to go yet and definitely not into the place where there were so many potential sexual partners.

"Sure," he said and I could hear the smile in his voice. We could have both gone for a drink anywhere but I wanted him to myself, also I wanted to ask him if we could carry on with our previous arrangement at the very least (as always I was secretly hoping for more).

 

The whole drive to mine I couldn't stop looking at Gerard. It was hard to believe I'd found him and he was really coming back to my house, just like before. The past four months felt like a dream, like it had been someone else's life I had just borrowed. It was clear the time apart hadn't affected what Gee and I had.

"How long have you been home?" Gerard asked me when I pulled onto the driveway.

"Long enough to buy beer and track you down," I said as I was getting out of the car but I still heard his response.

"But not long enough to cut the grass," he mumbled. Gee didn't really know then the full extent of my obsession with my house being perfectly clean and tidy so he didn't know how big of a deal it was that I had chosen him over sorting the lawn out. I grinned as I helped him out of the car.

"Priorities, Gerard," I told him. He narrowed his eyes at me, he still wanted an actual answer. "Okay, two days," I admitted. He didn't respond, just followed me silently into my house. He went straight into the front room so I got the drinks from the kitchen.

"Two days?" Gerard repeated my words when I sat down and handed him a beer.

"Yep, well I got back Friday morning so technically it will be a full forty-eight hours tomorrow morning," I confirmed.

"So when you said you were getting tired of hanging around waiting for me..." he started and I cut him off to explain myself.

"It was a very long Friday and when you weren't out last night it just made today drag even more," I said then took a drink of my beer.

"How do you know I wasn't out last night? I could have been at a different bar," he questioned. Oh no, I'd said too much. Spending an extended period of time with Patrick had made me sloppy and in truth I'd forgotten how clever Gerard is. He rarely misses anything.

"Like you said, it's the only decent place to drink apart from Evo's but you weren't there either." Gerard knew there was more though because he was looking right at me and I knew I was blushing. "Too creepy that I drove to your house last night when I couldn't find you?" I tried to say it light-hearted, not too crazy stalker-ish.

"A little," he said but he smiled too.

If anything was going to scare him off, that was probably it. Well, maybe if I said the ‘L’ word to him… that would probably have done it back then. He hadn't run away screaming though from my confession.

"I probably should apologise then but I'm not sorry I did it, I am sorry that I didn't get out of my car and come knock on your door." I would do it all again but I didn't say that.

"It wouldn't have been the non-pressured, casual chance encounter you planned," he teased me. But I wanted him to know the bigger reason why I hadn't knocked. It was a good opportunity to discuss our future too. 

"It was more that I could see the light from your bedroom window and I had no way of telling if you were alone or not," I tried but I couldn't completely keep the sadness out of my voice. He thought for a second then pulled a serious face.

"My husband was working late so a booty call would have been fine," he lied then tried to take a casual sip of his beer but he's such a bad faker.

"Wow, four whole months and you're still not funny, Gee." I love telling him how unfunny he is because it makes him pull the cutest ‘I’m offended’ face. I poked him in the ribs so he knew I was kidding. Gee giggled and it closed the subject.

 

Gerard wanted to know all about the tour and the places I'd seen. I told him a few select stories; just funny ones that made us look stupid and showed him how crazy life on the road can be. I didn't say anything about the guys' sexual adventures or the offers I turned down, nothing about why I stopped calling or how Ray had been my rock the entire time. I didn’t ask if he ever read my note, he didn’t mention it either.

Gerard told me a story about Billie Joe and then about a couple of new movies he had seen. Gerard yawned half way through a sentence and I realised it was past 1am. He called a cab and I held my tongue; he could have stayed over, he knew that. But he didn't ask and I didn't offer. Even though we had been talking for hours we still hadn't got round to talking about our relationship.

"Can I walk you out?" I asked when he had finished on the phone. I don't know why I asked him, I wasn't planning to slam the door in his face and leave him outside waiting alone.

"Sure," he said with a smile and took my hand. We walked out of my house and down the driveway, our joined hands swinging between us like teenagers. We stopped at the edge of the kerb.

"It's been really good to see you," Gerard said. It was definitely the truth and it made me smile. I dropped his hand so I could wrap my arms around his waist.

"I know, I've missed you," I said. He didn't respond but I could tell from his face that he had missed me too. I had to bring up the future, I needed to know where I stood. I pulled out that classic line. "Can I call you?"

"Would it stop you if I said no?" Gerard replied after a pause. I thought about it, I really wasn't sure.

"Maybe," I said with a shrug. I don't know what answer he had expected but he looked a little surprised. I knew he wasn't going to say no though. "But I do know where you live and I bet your husband doesn't make you cum like I do," I added and pushed my hips against his. I said 'your husband' to carry on his own joke, what I really meant was 'any guy you have ever fucked'. I knew I was right about that.

The cab pulled up then so he stretched his neck to kiss my lips.

"Call me," he said then winked as he got into the car.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's a short one - I'll try to add another later today but if not I will do one tomorrow for sure xx

When I finally woke up on Sunday I started getting things back to normal. I had washing to do from the tour and as Gerard had pointed out the grass needed serious attention. Once my house was relatively in order I decided I should do the same for my head.

I know he had said I could call him but I needed to confirm that things really were back to normal with Gerard. I called him just after 6pm.

"Hey, baby," he answered like I called him every day.

"Hi," was my brilliant reply. I was a little stunned by the normality of the call.

"Don't tell me you're ready for more already?" Gerard said then laughed. Honestly, I could fuck Gerard every hour of every day and still be ready for more. I didn't say that though, too intense, instead I laughed casually too. "Or was you just checking I would answer if you did call?" Gerard added. He was right with both.

"Kinda," I admitted and he laughed again.

"What's on your mind, Frank?" Gerard asked in a light tone.

"I just wanted to know you would answer, like you said. I know we talked a bit last night but I just wanted to be sure," I left a few words unspoken, he knew what I meant.

"Okay, let's get it clear then. I'm more than happy to carry on where we left off four months ago. I like spending time with you, as a friend and in bed. Same rules apply though," he said sternly. 

It was all I needed to hear. It didn't matter right then that he hadn't fallen madly in love with me. All I wanted was to know that our relationship was back on, that I hadn’t lost everything by going away. I knew I wasn't going to let him go again.

"That's fine with me, nothing has changed for me, Gee." 

"Good because we have got some catching up to do," he said, making it sound like a promise. We both laughed together.

"I'll be in touch to make plans soon," I swore. "Bye, Gee."

"Oh, Frankie?" Gerard caught my attention before I ended the call. "Forget just my husband, nobody, nobody at all makes me cum like you do," he all but purred then disconnected.

I called Ray next, after I’d willed my semi away and made sure my breathing was something resembling normal, because I told him I would and I didn't want him to worry about me.

"What's up, man?" Ray answered before the call had barely connected.

"Not much, just checking in.”

"So if you're calling me then you must have called him?" Ray guessed, seeing right through my attempt at being casual.

"Yeah, kinda. I bumped into him first but I've called him too.” 

"Good, everything okay?" Ray wasn't looking for gossip, he was just concerned about me.

"Yeah, it's all good," I kept it vague.

"I’m glad but I gotta say, I don't get all the secrecy. Nobody is gonna care if you've got a boyfriend, Frank." He was right. But he was also wrong.

"I haven't got a boyfriend," I said truthfully. Ray was quiet while he processed my words.

"Well I know you're too sensible to get involved with a married man... is this your way of telling me you're actually straight?" Ray sounded like he was being serious.

"Maybe, is your sister still single?” I said then laughed. "I'm not straight, Ray," I clarified but he already knew that.

"Not an affair though," Ray stated it as a fact because he knew I wouldn't do that.

"No... it’s complicated. Gee has commitment issues.” It didn't matter if Ray knew Gerard’s name and I didn't like it when Ray called Gee 'he' or 'him' it made Gee sound like he wasn't important.

"That's not complicated, I'm not Patrick you know?" Ray said and we both laughed. "I worry about you, man. You're my best friend. Just tell me the guy’s not using you," the concern in his voice was clear.

"He's not," I said quickly, obviously I was gonna defend Gerard. 

Ray had supported me through four hard months without ever questioning me, now I knew everything was okay with Gerard I figured it was time for Ray to know the truth.

"It's just sex," I said down the phone. Ray was quiet again.

"Can I say something? I don't wanna upset you or make you mad or anything though.” I couldn't see Ray doing any of those things.

"Sure, say what you want." I was intrigued as to what he was thinking.

"We've been living in each other’s pockets for four months, we've all helped each other through stuff. I've seen what you went through, man, I was there. I don't wanna sound like I'm judging, cos I’m not, whatever you and this Gee get up to is your business. I'm just saying, as your best friend who saw you at your worst, it might be for him but I don't think this is 'just sex' for you."

Ray was right, I couldn't deny it and I didn't want to. Not after the years between us and everything Ray had done for me, not just on tour but during a decade of friendship.

"I know, that's the biggest complication," I said quietly. I heard him let out a breath but he didn't say anything more. "Please don't tell the others."

"You know I won't. And you know I'm here, whatever you need, man." This is exactly why I should have told Ray from the beginning. No judgment, no interfering, just support, a constant when I need it the most. A true best friend.

"Thanks, Ray, I mean it," I told him, my voice almost breaking.

"I know. I love you, you short ass motherfucker," he said then chuckled.


	16. Chapter 16

We had a gig at a regular spot on that Friday night so I was hoping to see Gerard during the day on the Saturday (we had moved our usual Saturday band practice to the Friday). I called Gerard on the Monday morning when I knew he would be walking to work but it just rang out. I didn't bother to text him; he would see the missed call and get back to me.

I had a busy day ahead. My parents were back from their semi-permanent home in Italy where they conduct most of their business. My mom is the most important woman in my life. She raised me alone until I could walk, then she met my step dad. He’s never been ‘John’ to me or some surrogate second best, he’s my father, the only one I know and the only one that counts. He had text me around midnight to say they had landed and were only back for two days so I had plans to see them for lunch.

I pulled up onto their ridiculously oversized driveway around 11am and let myself in the front door.

"Hey, it's me," I called out from the hall. The house seemed empty and nobody answered so I made my way through their too big house to the conservatory. Pops was sat in his favourite chair reading a newspaper and I could hear Ma in the kitchen. "You're getting deaf, old man," I said at normal volume.

"I heard you, I just couldn't be bothered to get up," he said from behind the broadsheet. I smacked the paper right in the middle so it jumped forward and hit him in the face. He started laughing.

"You're getting slow too," I told him. He dropped his creased paper into his lap and smiled at me.

"I'm still faster than you," he said, a twinkle in his blue eyes. I raised my eyebrows at him, he has never been faster than me and he knows it. 

My parents have always worked hard in life; they built their own business while they raised me, somehow easily handling both. They are semi-retired now and spend most of their time in Italy where their property business is largely based.

"Oh my God, do you never eat? Where are your legs?" I heard my mom's over dramatic voice behind me so I turned around.

"I eat just fine and my legs are attached to my hips, right where they have always been." I tapped my hands on my thighs to prove it. My dad was laughing behind me. My mom called me something in Italian (I think it meant smart mouth or something similar) then she hugged me. 

My mom is only my height but her curly blonde hair makes her look taller than me and I didn't get my skinny legs from her. I hugged her back, the feel and scent of her reminding me of my childhood. My dad stood up to hug me once my mom had let me go. He is a bit taller than me and with a decent head of black hair, he's slim but not skinny. He felt more fragile than the last time I saw him, looked older too. 

Around their mahogany dining table we ate together for the first time in close to a year. My parents asked about the tour and I gave them an even more censored version of events than I had given Gerard. They told me the real estate market was booming and the new manager they had employed in Italy was handling things so well that they had been able to drop another day of work each. After the new information was shared the conversation fell into its usual pattern, sparked by my mom's refusal to let me smoke in the house.

"It will make everything stink. It's a filthy habit anyway," my mom said. I looked at my dad, who smokes heavier than me, for support. He just laughed, laughing is his default setting.

"I smoke in my house all the time and nothing stinks." My obsessive cleaning makes sure of that and Ma should really understand since I got that from her.

"I said you couldn't smoke in your house," my mom said and narrowed her eyes.

"Uh oh," my dad said, like I was a kid caught with my hand in the cookie jar before dinner.

"I know, Ma, you tell me every time I see you but I still do," I said defiantly. She pursed her lips but it was just for show. "As my landlord feel free to kick me out," I added with a flippant wave of my hand. My parents bought my house for me when I was eighteen and they started spending more time overseas. Everything was still in their name, hence the landlord jibe, it was my house though.

"If I kick you out it will be because of unpaid rent," my mom shot back with a smile. I never pay rent, like I said; it's always technically been my house. 

My dad helped himself to a cigarette from my packet on the table. My mom muttered something in Italian when my dad lit up. She speaks Italian just to annoy me; she knows I don't speak enough to understand everything she says. Sometimes she texts me in Italian too, I've used the internet to translate a reply into German before. Turns out she still knows the English for 'clever bastard'. 

Following Pop’s parental lead I lit up too and picked out the one word of her rambling I understood.

"I'm an idiot, right?" I asked my mom.

"We're both idiots," my dad corrected. "And the last bit was just aimed at me so don't worry." He blew a plume of smoke towards my mom.

"So how much of my money are you spending to destroy your lungs?" Ma asked.

"Me or him?" I pointed to my dad then took a drag. Pops laughed and shook his head.

"You, she doesn't let me have money," he said.

"None," I told them both. I very rarely use the money my parents transfer into my account every month. I have no rent to pay and simple tastes (pizza, cigarettes, coffee and Gee) gigging pays for my basic lifestyle and the money from my businesses provides a nice cushion for anything extra. I probably have enough saved to repay them for the house, not that they would ever take it.

I remembered I had spent some on tattoos while I was tour though. I put my cigarette down and pulled my shirt up. 

"Thanks for these though," I said, turning slightly so they could see the intricate pattern of ink work on my ribs. Pops nodded and Ma scowled. I dropped my shirt and carried on smoking. "You don't like it then stop giving me money," I said to my mom in a joking tone.

"Maybe I will," she said but she wouldn't. I'm sure I'm the only guy over sixteen who still gets pocket money. My parents don't want me to struggle like they had to and do every single thing they can to help, even when I tell them I don't need it. God, I sound like a spoilt rich kid. 

"I'll just change career, stop singing and sell my body instead then," I smirked.

"Isn't that what you do now?" Pops asked with a smile. If he wasn’t my dad I would have probably high fived a line like that, not because it’s true but just for the speed and delivery.

"Still no plans to properly utilise your degree then?" Ma slipped in. Always the same, first she hits the smoking, then money, career, next was the boyfriend conversation.

"No, I do okay half assing it and I haven't got a boyfriend either so can we skip that?" I stubbed out my cigarette on an empty side plate. It was too reminiscent of the conversation with Ray from the night before.

"No wonder with those tattoos," my mom said.

"Actually, some guys like them." I was thinking of the way Gerard always kisses the ones on my neck. My dad laughed and clapped a hand on my shoulder.

"Some guys" he echoed and winked. Ma muttered in Italian again. 

Pops told me later she had said: 'You need a husband – ‘some guys’ won't give me grandchildren'.

 

I left my parents’ house later than I intended, we had a year worth of things to catch up on, then when I was about to leave my dad asked me to sign some paperwork. He had transferred my house over to my name. I protested and told him he didn't need to, it really didn't matter to me but like always, he insisted. He joked that it would shut Ma up about smoking in it and I joked back that nothing would stop her moaning about it. They made me promise I would visit them soon and I said I would, even if just for a few days.

 

There was no response from Gerard when I checked my phone so I called him again since it was after six. It just rang out again. I guessed he was working late so I showered and watched a horror marathon all night.

I called him twice on the Tuesday, morning and evening again but I got exactly the same; constant ringing and no answer, no calls back. I sent a text asking if he was okay. 

Nothing.

Wednesday - three calls, two texts. Nothing.

Thursday - eight calls, five texts. Nothing.

Friday - ten calls, seven texts. Nothing.

I'd convinced myself he was dead. Nobody would let me know if he was, nobody knew we had any connection. I can't have really believed it though; if I did I would have gone to his place before the Saturday morning.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, domebedward, enjoy ;)

I took the stairs up to Gerard’s apartment two at a time then knocked on his front door but he didn't answer. It was early enough that I knew Gerard wouldn't be up and out. I knocked again, a bit louder. Still nothing. It occurred to me that he might not have slept in his own bed last night (assuming he was alive). I knocked again, if I hit any harder I was in danger of shattering the glass.

"Alright," I heard from inside. I almost collapsed in relief. But then the anger took over. Why the hell hadn't he called me back? The amount of times I’d dialled his number in the past week made it obvious I was worried about him.

Gerard eventually opened the front door looking a little worse for wear. He was in a creased jeans and a crumpled black tee that he had obviously slept in. His hair was massive, all curled and snarled, and he blushed slightly when he saw me. He still looked better than any man I’ve ever seen but I was mad at him so I didn’t tell him that.

"What the fuck, Gerard?" I barked, still more angry than relived. Then I realised what his outfit meant; he was in last night's clothes, he had obviously been out so there was a chance there was someone else in the apartment. That would explain his red face. "Wait, are you alone?" 

Gerard nodded then turned away from me and walked into the front room. He was really not helping my vicious mood. I stepped inside and slammed the door behind me. Gerard was slumped on his couch when I stepped into his front room so I stood in front of him, too agitated to sit.

"Nice to see you're still alive," I spat, too nasty and too loud.

"Lower your voice or get the fuck out," he murmured. Gerard shot me a warning look before closing his eyes and rubbing his head.

"Charming, Gee," I fired at him. Rude, I know, but I was furious. His eyes flicked open and they looked angry… as angry as I felt.

"What's your issue, Frank?" Gerard said in a clipped tone. Issue? Now he'd done it. The words spewed out of me without any control.

"My issue is you ignoring me all week, you could have been dead and I wouldn't have known. There's nobody I can call to see if you're okay. If you don't wanna talk to me fair enough but at least say so; don't just leave me hanging like I'm some… I don't know, some one night stand, some fucking nobody that doesn't matter. I think I deserve better than that." I took a huge breath when I was done. It felt better getting it all out but my anger was still bubbling away.

"Are you finished?" Gerard asked lazily. Fuck, he really knew how to piss me off, almost as well as he knew how to turn me on.

I bit my tongue, I didn't want to lose it and I was close. I crossed my arms over my chest and said nothing. He picked up his cigarettes, took one out and offered me one. I was desperate for a smoke, I knew it would calm me down, but stubbornly I ignored him. He lit his cigarette and took a drag before he spoke again.

"Frank, it's not unusual for us to not be in contact for a week or even longer sometimes," he pointed out. I knew that; I had just gone four months without contacting him. I took a breath before I answered him.

"It is unusual when I've called and text you every day since Tuesday," I couldn't unclench my teeth and I wondered if he even understood what I had said.

"No you haven't," he said defiantly. Gerard sucked on his cigarette in a way that made him look so fucking arrogant; I loved and hated it in equal measure. Tearing my eyes away from his frustratingly glorious face, I pulled my phone out of my pocket.

"Yes, I have. I got so worried by Thursday morning that I started calling every few hours." I pulled up the call screen to show Gee how many times I had tried to contact him.  
"I've not heard from you all week," he said still with a little attitude despite the evidence in front of him. "See for yourself." He threw his phone to me, I unlocked his screen and instantly saw the problem. My anger faded completely.

"Gee, your phone's been cut off."

"What?" Gerard said but I knew he had heard me. He held out his hand with his half smoked cigarette between his fingers. I removed the cigarette and put the phone in his palm. He looked at it like he couldn't see anything wrong.

"No network," I told him then tapped the corner where the service logo was missing. I took a drag of his cigarette while he stared at the screen. "When did you last pay your bill?" I wondered then how much money Gerard made and if he would be offended if I paid to get his phone reconnected. I'm sure it would have breached the boundaries anyway so I didn't say it.

"I changed my bank, the phone people don't have my new details," he said quietly. He looked a little embarrassed. I sat down next to him and gave him my phone so he could sort it out. 

I smoked the rest of his cigarette while he was on the phone, really enjoying the nicotine hit now I wasn’t angry or scared. I tugged at his wrinkled jeans playfully once he had finished his conversation with the phone company.

"Bit overdressed for bed aren't you?" I asked him to show I wasn't mad anymore and to close the subject of missing calls and texts. 

"Ugh, late night and too much wine," Gerard said with a small sigh. I sensed there was more but he didn't seem inclined to share. His comment had sparked a new train of thought in my head anyway.

“So… the drinking?” I started, hoping he would be more talkative about that than whatever he had been up to the night before.

“Don’t start, Frank. You don’t think I get enough shit off Mikey about it?” Gerard snapped. 

“Clearly not.” It was exactly the reason I had brought it up. Gerard’s drinking back then was a real worry and I couldn’t work out how Mikey had let him get into such a state while I’d been gone… fucking obvious now though, isn’t it?

“Huh?” Gerard narrowed his eyes at me as he spoke and I knew he wasn’t asking me to repeat myself because he had misheard me; the challenge was obvious and I wasn’t gonna back down.

“I said clearly not. Because if Mikey did give you shit about it then you wouldn’t be spending so much time wasted.” I wasn’t prepared to let such a huge issue slide, not now it was out there between us. 

“I don’t need your judgement,” Gerard’s tone was final but I wasn’t stopping until I got what I wanted.

“Look, I don’t wanna argue… again. I just don’t get it,” I tried to inject some compassion into my voice so he wouldn’t think I was just nagging him.

Gerard sighed then held his arms over his chest. I was going to reach out and drag them apart, my eye twitching with frustration at his stupid habit, but then he dropped his arms to his sides and shrugged.

“I don’t know,” Gerard whispered. 

“It’s just not you, Gee. Nights out for you were always about the atmosphere and being with Mikey, your friends… not the beer. Am I allowed to be worried?” I sensed his weakness and took my chance. It wasn’t about being his boyfriend or trying to control him; at that point, honestly, I was just scared.

“In a platonic way, yes,” Gerard admitted, emphasising the word ‘platonic’ by rolling his eyes.

“Then platonically, fucking quit it. It’s not a good colour on you, you can’t handle your drink or the hangovers. Please? It’s really not worth it.” 

“Fuck’s sake. You been taking guilt lessons from Mikey?” Gerard complained. I knew I’d won though so I smiled at him and lit the cigarette that he stuck in his mouth (I assume to try and block any more words slipping out).

“I’ll take that as a yes and assume you’re gonna quit,” I said smugly, pleased I’d been able to make him see my side.

"So why did you call me on Tuesday anyway?" Like he needed to ask.

"To invite you to tea with the Queen," I said seriously.

"You know I prefer coffee," he replied quickly with a smile. Credit to him for being so speedy with a hangover; Gerard isn't a morning person at the best of times, especially without coffee.

I’d spent far too long around Gerard without kissing him so I leant forward and did just that. He wobbled as I kissed him and I thought he was going to fall. I grabbed hold of him and pushed him gently back on the couch. He looked exhausted and hung over so I plucked the cigarette from his hand too, there was no way he would smoke it before he fell asleep.

"I was gonna see if you wanted to hang out today but I can see you need sleep. Can I come back tomorrow?" I couldn't see his eyes properly so I brushed a stray strand of hair away, pushing it behind his ear.

"Sure, as long as you promise to leave your bad mood at home," he said then tugged lightly on my forearm. I knew he had forgiven me for my teeny tiny over reaction… alright, alright; I'd out diva'd Beyonce.

"It was only because I thought you were dead," I grumbled. He poked a finger into my side.

"Or that I'd found someone better," he said playfully. That actually hadn't crossed my mind until I was knocking on his door. I did think he might have been ignoring me because he didn't want me but not because there was somebody else he wanted more.

"Okay, I was being a bit dramatic there," I admitted. But then I had to say it. "There isn't anyone better than me."


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're gonna have to bear with me... this chapter is the start of a scene that lasts four chapters but I'm not sure how quickly I'll be able to get them all posted. I'll try my best but patience is greatly appreciated!

We were playing a particularly nasty venue where the 'backstage area' was a tiny dressing room with one chair and a curtain dividing the room to give the illusion of privacy since the door didn’t lock. Next door was our bathroom; a glorified cupboard with a toilet and a bunch cleaning supplies that had clearly never been used since the room was practically vibrating with a stench I can't even label. 

Pete hadn't shown up so Ray had gone looking for him and Patrick was drumming every surface in the room out of nerves. The choices were taking refuge in the stinking bathroom cupboard, going for a smoke or killing Trick. Since we only had half a band with less than thirty minutes before we were due to play I decided to smoke.

I slipped out of the venue’s side door so I wouldn't have to fight through the crowd at the bar. The band is far from famous but we have got our fair share of admirers. At first it was flattering and the feeling of power got the better of some of the band. The novelty soon wore off for me (not sure it was ever really there) I make music because I love it, not because I wanna make men fall into bed with me. 

There's also those people with the opposite feeling to the admirers, those people who would love to smash my face in for being 'that skinny, wannabe rock star'. Side door was safer on both fronts.

I was relieved when the door exited away from the main group of smokers, if I stayed in the shadows they wouldn't even notice me. I reached into my jeans pocket but it only contained my phone. I searched the other one but there was just my tiny eyeliner pencil in there and some cash. It was a long shot but I checked my back pockets; they were empty. Fuck. I must have left my cigarettes behind in my rush to get away from Trick’s drumming. I could picture him tapping the packet with his drumsticks and laughing.

I thought about approaching the smokers but it could be more trouble than it was worth. The group was largely female and fighting off amorous women was sometimes more difficult than the aggressive people. I didn’t have the strength for either.

“Are you lost?” 

I turned my head to the sound of the voice. In the shadows, just the other side of the door I had come out of, was a man. He looked like he worked at the venue; black jeans, white tee and a lanyard staff pass hanging out of his back pocket.

“No, I’m fine,” I answered, smiling politely.

“You looking to bum a smoke?”

The guy flicked the ash off the end of his cigarette then reached into his pocket. He pulled out a packet of cigarettes then flipped it open, offering it out to me.

“Yeah, thanks.” I reached out and took a cigarette. My hands instantly felt for my matches even though I knew from my previous search they weren’t there.

“Here,” the guy flicked his lighter and held the small flame out towards me.

“You don’t have matches?” I asked, hesitating.

“No. Who the fuck still uses matches?”

“Some people do,” I answered before ducking my head to light the cigarette. I inhaled deeply then exhaled a long plume of smoke. “Thanks.”

I took a good look at the guy since he was blatantly checking me out. He was my height which I used to like but recently I’d started to prefer taller guys. His hair was too short and not dark enough for my taste. There was something about his hazel eyes that I liked but they were flat, like something was missing.

“You in the band?”

“Does it matter?” I asked. My voice was harsher than I had intended but only because something worrying had occurred to me. The guy was good looking, really attractive, but I’d written him off. I’d decided he wasn’t good enough for me (even though I’d never had any intention of starting anything with him) because I’d scrutinised every part of him and none of him compared to Gerard.

“Guess not.” The guy shrugged and took a pull of his cigarette. “Want a blow job?”

“No.” I did but not from him. 

So many men and women throw themselves at me without a second thought because they recognise me and assume I'm some kind of whore who will sleep with anyone just because I could if I wanted to, the almighty power of being in a rock band. Seemed the guy was even fucking easier than all of them since he was being beyond direct, even though he was only working on the assumption I was in the band.

“Wanna give me one?” 

“No.” I turned away from him slightly and sucked on my cigarette. The guy didn’t seem to understand my disinterest; he was second best to a guy he’d never even met. 

“Shame. You’re cute.” Even the guy’s voice wasn’t as appealing as Gerard’s.

“I’m not available,” I half lied then took another drag, wishing I could smoke it quicker.

“Well, if you change your mind then hit me up.” The guy dropped the stub of his cigarette and stamped it out before heading back through the door I had come out of.

I was relieved to be able to finish my smoke in peace… well, physically the sound of peace anyway – my head was screaming at me. The situation hadn’t been that dissimilar to the first time I’d met Gerard and the guy was hot enough but it felt completely different to the night behind the diner all those months before.

I was available, if I wanted to be. I could fuck anyone I wanted. But nobody came close. Nobody was as good looking as Gerard. Nobody was as smart or as funny, as sassy or clever. I knew then that even if Gerard had an identical twin, impossible to tell apart in every single aspect, I would still want Gerard. Only Gerard.

I felt a tear fall onto my cheek as I took the last drag of my cigarette. I swiped at the wet trail as I threw my stub to the ground. Fucking idiot. Crying alone in an alley cos some guy who wasn’t Gerard offered me a blow job.

I knew it couldn't be long until we were due to be on stage so I made myself take a deep breath and slip back in the side door.

I was in desperate need of the disgusting bathroom sort my face out, convinced my eyeliner had smeared, but I didn't get the chance. I had only taken two steps down the corridor when a hand caught my shoulder.

"Where the fuck have you been?" Patrick said, spinning me round to face him. Pete and Ray were behind him too looking like they couldn't care less where I'd been.

"Smoking," I answered. Pete and Ray started laughing and Patrick joined in when he held up my abandoned packet of cigarettes.

"Try again," Trick smirked.

"I borrowed one, wise ass," I snapped as I grabbed my packet from him, crushing it in the process. All three of them started laughing again at my words and actions. "You're a bunch of fucking morons." I turned my back on them and stormed down the corridor. 

When I reached the shit hole of a 'bathroom' Patrick had caught up with me.

"No time, man, it's go time," he said. I was tempted to punch him but it wasn't gonna make a difference except we would have to go on without a drummer.

"Fine," I snapped and pushed past him towards the stage. I was a little pissed off with Patrick for rumbling me but I was more keen to get on stage so I could refocus my mind on something else.

I followed Patrick back through the corridor towards the stage. We stopped by the curtain to go through our usual pre-show routine then I watched them head on stage. The roar of the crowd told me it was going to be a good night so I tried to chase away all thoughts of Gee (and blow jobs) then stepped through the curtain.

“How we doing tonight?” I called when I reached the microphone. The cheers intensified and after a quick look over my shoulder to check the guys were ready, we started to play.

I make it a habit to scan the crowd during the first song, always looking for anyone who might cause any problems. I’d barely started my usual sweep when I saw Gerard. He looked panicked, his face frozen in something between fear and anxiety. I was just glad to fucking see him, it was like my prayers had been answered. I forgot to check out the rest of the crowd, Gerard was far too distracting.

I played the first few songs on instinct but when Gerard started pushing through the crowd I almost abandoned the gig so I could take him home. He stopped right at the front of the stage, dead in front of me. It definitely made it easier for me to stare at him but it made it much harder to concentrate… well, concentrate on anything other than fucking him.

I fired out the last line of the gig then managed to control myself for about 1.7 seconds; I at least let the guys play the final notes before I made a grab for Gee. The crowd swelled and pushed Gerard closer to me so I took advantage, ignoring their grabby hands and got a handful of shirt to pull him with me backstage.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's seamlessly follow them backstage...  
> Ha, sorry for the delay and jumpiness - stupid life gets in the way!

Ray was already packing his guitar away and I was pretty sure that was distraction enough for him so I dragged Gee with me to our dressing room. I remember briefly being pissed that this hadn’t happened somewhere a little classier but you play the hand you’re dealt.

The curtain was all the privacy we were gonna get so I shoved Gee behind it then moulded my mouth to his. There were questions to be asked but I needed Gerard more than anything else; I could have kissed him forever but he decided air was more of a priority, leaving me gasping when he pulled his lips away.

“Fuck. What are you doing here?” I asked while Gerard tried to breathe evenly.

“Are you angry?” Gerard asked in a small voice, barely meeting my eyes.

“Angry? Not even close. Having to look at you all night and not be able to touch you… I’m not mad, Gee. Just desperate for you.” I realised I might have made a small mistake assuming Gerard felt the same but his face transformed from anxious to thrilled in a second.

“I’m not your groupie.” He fucking well was. 

“Aww, come on, baby. I brought you backstage.” I made sure he knew I was teasing him back but I was kinda serious too.

“You think I’m that easy?” Gerard shook his hips as he spoke and my brain pretty much exploded with joy.

“All groupies wanna suck a rock star’s dick,” I said casually, reminding Gerard of what he had told me before I left for tour. He didn’t answer but I saw him lean in so I kissed him, just as urgently as before.

“How soundproof is this place?” Gerard said and I almost screamed that he’d finally got on the same page as me.

“Not very. We’d have to be quiet.” In hindsight we probably should have been loud, not quiet… might have been enough to warn people away from the room.

Even with my amazing acting skills and perfectly horrified, fake face, Gerard wasn’t discouraged when he knelt in front of me; his hands made short work of my getting my jeans open and dick out. I’m sure I made some joke about him being the best groupie or some shit… I remember he blew me a kiss to whatever smart shit I said but then it’s kind of a blur from then, once his lips were around my dick.

I couldn’t help grabbing his hair, not to dictate what he should be doing (he knew exactly what he was doing) but I just wanted to feel him, touch him everywhere. It was good and I was about to tell him that but when I opened my mouth Patrick’s voice came out instead.

“Oh, God,” Patrick shrieked. My head snapped instantly in his direction and saw his horror-stricken face staring right into my eyes (fucking passion killer). I snatched the curtain from his hand and dragged it over Gerard who was still, bizarrely, on his knees with me in his mouth.

“Can you not fucking knock, Patrick?” I snapped, completely unaware if he had or not, I wouldn’t have heard it if he did.

“N-n-no… it’s a curtain,” Patrick stuttered.

“The fucking door, genius,” I said, too loud and too aggressive but I was fucking furious. The moment had passed and my fury had won out over my arousal, even with Gerard’s immobile mouth still around me.

“It doesn’t lock,” Patrick said and I thought he was dumb enough that he might still be talking about the curtain.

“I’m aware,” I said with less volume. I knew the door didn’t lock but Gerard didn’t. I risked a quick glance at him to see if he was mad that I’d not really given him all the information and probably ended up causing the situation due to my own desperation.

“Sorry. I, I didn’t… didn’t realise you’re…” Patrick couldn’t even bring himself to finish his half formed sentence and instead just coughed like that explained the rest of his thought.

“That I was trying to get my dick sucked?” I finished for him, frustrated by his inability to act like an adult though I was actually being pretty childish myself. “Well, I am.” 

“God. Sorry. It’s just that nobody could find you, then Pete said you might be back here but Ray said you were going straight home. We called your phone but nobody got an answer and…” Patrick was babbling and I really couldn’t give a shit what everyone else was doing or saying.

“Patrick! I’m not a goddamn magician you know,” I snapped, trying to refocus him and make him realise he needed to leave without spelling it out.

“Huh?” Patrick didn’t get it, what a surprise.

“I didn’t make him disappear when I pulled the curtain back,” I said as I nodded down towards where Gerard was safely concealed. I wasn’t trying to be funny but Gerard thought I was; the teasing little shit didn’t bother moving his mouth off me before laughing and the vibration went straight to reigniting the fire in my stomach. I couldn’t stop myself groaning from the sensation and Patrick made a noise of revulsion in response.

“You fucking kidding me?” I said to Gerard, forgetting my anger at Patrick to look down at the fucking tease. He finally pulled his head back and gave me a shy smile and an apologetic shrug. 

“Sorry. I’ll go. I’m going,” Patrick finally said, like he should have done the second he walked in then, then bolted for the door.

“Glamorous fucking life backstage, huh?” I said rhetorically once we were alone. 

“Rock n roll,” Gerard said with a grin. I was relieved he wasn’t mad about the unlocked door situation but I was going to remedy it anyway. I knew there was a chair somewhere in the room so I found it and used it to barricade the useless door.

Patrick had definitely chased away the last of my erection and I didn’t want Gerard to be disheartened by it or think it was any kind of reflection on what he’d been doing before the interruption so I fastened my jeans before I went back to him.

“Let’s switch,” I said even though Gerard was still waiting for me on his knees. 

“You sure?” Gerard said meekly. I was worried the whole thing had put him off completely.

“Yeah. It’s gonna take me a while to get that out of my head. It’ll be easier for me to get you going…” I was already starting to palm him while I spoke to make up for lost time but I quickly realised there was no need.

“Yeah…” Gerard breathed then looked at me like a guilty puppy. I wasn’t ashamed of him, I was fucking impressed.

“You kinky fucker! You fucking liked that? Patrick?” I never knew Gerard was so… well, I always knew he was dirty but not like that.

“Kinda. But not Patrick,” Gerard said quickly, music to my fucking ears; I’m fine with a little kink but not if he wanted someone else involved… probably… I don’t know, I’d probably do whatever the fuck Gerard wanted. “No. Just… the thrill. I don’t know, don’t you think it was kinda hot?” 

“I think you’re kinda hot,” I told him with a smile. He is… he’s very fucking hot. And the way he was trying to justify his arousal was equally adorable and sexy. I kissed him because he looked irresistible and I wanted him to know it was fine that he got hard from a little danger. He deserved something for putting up with the drama of the night so I got my hand into his pants while his lips were distracted; my second mistake of the night since he got so overexcited he could barely control himself.

“Sorry,” Gerard whispered as soon as he managed to pull his teeth out of my bottom lip. 

“You’re wild tonight,” I said, starting to enjoy the side it brought out in him. I flicked my tongue out to check he hadn’t broken the skin but I didn’t find out because before I could really feel anything, Gerard was fucking into my fist. I realised why, it was the lip licking so I kept my hand still and let my tongue roam a little further, purposely jabbing at my wet lips.

“Frank…” Gerard made my name last about seven seconds, drawing it out in his desperation. He had no idea how fucking perfect he sounded, how stunning the look on his face was. I laughed aloud at the effect he had on me, how he had me getting hard again without even touching me.

“You like that? Kinky fucker,” I rumbled in a low voice, trying for seductive. It worked, Gerard had forgotten the prior warning about being quiet and groaned loud enough to rattle the walls when I flicked my wrist. I couldn’t decide what he liked more, being called what he was or watching my tongue wet my lips so I did a combination of both, keeping a tight grip on him and a steady pace the whole time.

I heard Gerard’s phone before he did, a dull drone in his pocket. I hoped he wouldn’t notice it but the sound was the phone vibrating so I knew he would feel it.

“Shit,” he gasped, his eyes darting to his pocket.

“Looks like you’re popular tonight,” I said with a smile. Gerard tried to reach into his pocket but I wasn’t prepared to share him so I kept working my fist back and forth. He gave me a pleading look so I used my other hand to squeeze his phone through the denim, pushing it into his fingers in the hope he would just cancel the call.

“M….mm Mikey...” Gerard panted, looking at the screen. 

“Answer it,” I barked, instantly changing my mind when I saw the worry and desire in Gerard’s eyes.

“What?” 

“Think of the thrill, baby. Do it,” I explained, knowing he wouldn’t refuse. Gerard bit his lip then nodded, swiping over the screen with a shaky finger.

“Hey,” Gerard said, his voice surprisingly steady considering how fast I was jerking my hand. I’ve gotta admit, it was a turn on. I smiled at Gerard and squeezed my fingers tighter against his flesh. “The… the toilets,” Gerard answered whatever Mikey had asked him.

“You are so fucking hot, baby. I’m gonna fuck you so hard,” I told him not really caring if Mikey could hear me. Gerard’s eyes were a warning for me to quit it but I felt him buck into my hand a little harder so I knew he was loving it, despite his frown.

“It’s okay,” Gerard said, a little more high pitched than usual. I knew he was answering Mikey but I smiled at him like I thought it was meant for me. I raised an eyebrow at him, silently debating if I should say something else to make him blush.

“You…” I started but Gerard cut me off.

“No… I’m coming,” Gerard screamed. It didn’t matter who he was talking to, it was something all of us needed to be aware of. I kept my fist moving while Gerard covered his mouth, a muted groan still clearly audible as I felt his cum land over my fingers.

“Gee?” 

We both heard Mikey calling from my phone that Gerard was holding away from us. His breathing was obscene enough without the other sounds so I tried to help calm him, kissing his neck softly.

“Yeah?” Gerard said into the phone, his breathless voice making me laugh.

I’ve never been a fan of waste and I was having too much fun exploiting Gerard’s kink so I started licking my hand, making sure Gerard could see exactly what I was doing. 

“Stubbed my toe,” he mumbled down the line, his eyes glued to my hand. If Mikey believed that then he’s even dumber than Patrick. I carried on sucking and licking my fingers while Gerard finished a stilted conversation with his brother.

“You know, I think I could get into this exhibitionist thing,” I said once Gerard was off the phone. It was more a thrill when it wasn’t Patrick and Gerard can make anything appealing.

“You’re so bad.” Gerard shook his head like he wasn’t really convinced even though he couldn’t really deny what had just happened.

“So bad that I’m good?” I asked, knowing that was exactly what he meant.

“I guess. I’ve gotta go,” Gerard said after I’d kissed his lips.

“Damn. I wasn’t anywhere close to being done with you.”

“Come to mine later?” Gerard said hopefully. He was walking towards the door and I didn’t want him to leave, but if he couldn’t stay…

“Only if I can stay,” I said suddenly.

“What?” Gerard froze.

“It’s already late. I need to help the guys clear up, then drive to yours, fuck you into next week and then still drive home again? Nah. Let me sleep at yours tonight.” It was the best excuse I could come up with at the time, the reality was I just wanted to be with him.

I didn’t think he was going to answer me. The chair was away from the door and Gerard was reaching for the handle. He was going to leave. I knew I’d pushed it too far, that I was in violation of his stupid relationship rules. I put my hand over his when he reached for the door handle, debating whether to just tell him why I wanted to stay the night.

“Fine. But it better be the best fuck of my life,” he said, his voice wary but also with an edge of excitement.

“It will be,” I promised, giving him a brief kiss then letting him go.

If there was one thing I knew about Gerard back then it was that he had a lot of sex; best fuck of his life seemed like a huge challenge.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay! Here's the next part of the backstage/best fuck of Gerard's life :)  
> The final one to be posted just as soon as I can!

I gave myself a few minutes and several deep breaths to calm down before I headed back out to help the guys pack up. Pete grinned at me as I passed him the hall, a spool of cable around his arm, and I knew Patrick had spilled the beans.

“Shut the fuck up,” I warned Pete before he could open his mouth.

“I think you scarred Patrick for life,” Pete called over his shoulder once he was out of range for me to punch him.

“You’re a fucking dick,” I muttered to myself.

“Huh?” Ray came though the curtain carrying part of Patrick’s drum kit.

“Not you,” I said, reaching out to help with the load.

“Thanks.” Ray smiled as we started walking back towards the exit where the van was parked.

“You taking Ray back there now?” Pete teased as he passed us on his way back to the stage.

“Shut the fuck up,” me and Ray said together, causing Pete to howl with laughter.

“Really though… what was that about?” Ray asked quietly once we were by the doors.

“What?”

“That guy you took backstage,” Ray whispered as he put the equipment down. I sighed, knowing I was caught and set down the stuff I was carrying too. I took another step so I was outside the doors and fished my mangled cigarette pack out of my back pocket.

“It wasn’t exactly planned… or intentional,” I said, sticking a cigarette between my lips and lighting it.

“I didn’t think for a second it was,” Ray answered, declining my offer of a smoke with a shake of his head.

“No. It wasn’t great timing… I’d apologise but I don’t regret it.”

“Really?” Ray’s tone as well as his face showed how shocked he was. He watched me stick my cigarette in my mouth and suck hard, clearly waiting for a further explanation. I exhaled then shrugged.

“What do you want me to say, Ray?”

“I want you to tell me what’s happened, why you’re giving up on Gee,” Ray said seriously as he folded his arms across his chest. I choked on the smoke in my mouth and eyed Ray curiously. He was staring at me, silently demanding an explanation with his eyes as I spluttered and coughed. Ray hadn’t realised who I had taken backstage.

“What?”

“I know you said there’s commitment stuff for him but I can tell you really care about Gee. So why are you risking it all on a blowjob from some random guy from the crowd?”

“I…” I started but then couldn’t decide where to go with the sentence. I took another pull from my cigarette and tried to think clearly. “It was just a blowjob, Ray.”

“Yeah but it’s you; you don’t do that kind of thing. I’ll back off if you want but I’m just worried about you.”

“It was just a bit of relief, you know? Some fun.” I tried for casual to carry off the lie but was probably way off the mark.

“Are you still seeing Gee?” Ray asked. I nodded and took a drag of my cigarette. “Do you still want to be with him?”

“Yes,” I whispered, my voice barely holding together. “But that’s not what he wants.”

“Don’t give up on him.” Ray put his arm around my shoulder. “If you care this much then it’s worth fighting for.”

I nodded sadly. I felt a little bad about deceiving Ray to protect Gee’s identity but the real sadness came from the realisation that I could never be with Gee in the way Ray was hoping for.

 

Sensing my upset and frustration, Ray told me to leave him and the other guys to it. They had packed up most of the stuff while I’d been with Gee anyway so there wasn’t too much left to do. 

I tried to forget the conversation with Ray as I drove straight to Gerard’s apartment. I had to focus on what was important; making sure Gerard had the best sex of his life. And it was much easier to concentrate on that when Gerard answered the front door.

“Hey, Frankie,” Gerard said brightly. His hair was wet and he had a white towel around his waist, knotted on his hip which he was jutting out as he held the door open. Even just the way he was stood screamed sex and sass.

“Hey,” I answered, barely able to take my eyes off him. He waited but I didn’t move.

“Are you staying?” Gerard asked, a hint of nerves in his voice. I didn’t know if he meant at all or overnight so I just nodded and stepped forward.

Gerard let the door swing closed once I was in his apartment and gave me a dazzling smile. Before I could rearrange my scrambled thoughts he turned and headed towards his kitchen. I stepped out of my shoes and followed automatically, my eyes trained on the swing of his hips and his curve of his ass under the towel.

“I felt a little sweaty from the bar so I took a shower,” Gerard said, gesturing at his towel.

“Yeah…” I said then swallowed hard. 

Gerard turned his back and reached into his cupboard then pulled out a glass. His towel slipped, just slightly and I felt my breath catch in my throat as the top of his ass cheeks peeked out.

“You want a drink?” Gerard asked, his back still turned as he filled the glass from the tap.

“No,” I whispered hoarsely then stepped up behind him. Gerard turned back and gasped when he realised how close I was stood to him. I couldn’t hold back anymore, I kissed him hard and pressed my body against his, holding his hips. There was nowhere for Gerard to go as he bumped his back against the kitchen counter.

“Shit, Frank…” Gerard panted when I moved my head away to kiss down his neck. Gerard tried to reach back with his hand to set his glass down but I nipped at the sensitive skin of his throat. Gerard jerked at the feel of my teeth then moaned, the glass missing the counter and tumbling to the floor. I hardly felt the water splash up my leg but we both heard the sound of the glass breaking.

“Fuck,” Gerard swore, trying to look down at the damage.

“Leave it,” I murmured against his skin. Gerard groaned as I kissed my way to his collarbone. “Do you know how fucking obscenely sexy you look in that towel?”

“I…” Gerard lost the next word when my tongue flicked out over his nipple.

“It’s almost a crime that I have to take it off you.” I tugged at the knot and watched with barely concealed delight as it fell to the floor. Gerard took advantage of my temporary immobility to pull my t-shirt over my head then start working on my jeans.

“Let’s fuck, Frankie,” Gerard begged when my jeans hit the floor.

“That’s the plan,” I answered with a teasing smile as I stepped out of my jeans and underwear. I ran my hands down his body, drinking in every shiver and moan.

“I can’t wait,” Gerard whined when I started kissing up his chest, letting my hands rest back on his hips.

“No?” I asked rhetorically as I pressed my lips to his throat. Gerard gripped the counter and pressed his groin against mine. I moaned at the feeling of his hard cock touching mine and I couldn’t wait either. I grabbed Gerard’s arm and dragged him with me, just like I had an hour before backstage.

We didn’t stop until we reached his bedroom. Gerard scrambled onto his bed and fell back with his legs open. When I climbed on top of him Gerard already had a condom in his hand.

“Come here,” Gerard panted when my face was over his. I could hear the rustling of the packet as we kissed and I had to tear my mouth away to groan when Gerard rolled the condom onto me.

I reached out for the lube but Gerard beat me to it. He pumped the liquid into his hand then worked it over my cock. I twitched and gasped at his keen fingers, my hips jerking without my permission. I tried to take the bottle from Gerard but he smirked at me then dropped it to the floor.

“I told you, I can’t wait,” Gerard said as he pushed on my chest. I knew he wanted me to move so I sat back on my knees, looking at him in confusion. Gerard lifted his legs and hooked his feet over my shoulders, keeping his calves flat against my chest.

“You sure?” I asked, finally understanding. 

“Yeah, I want you,” Gerard said breathlessly, “want to feel you.” 

I whimpered softly from his words then pressed up against him. Gerard took a breath and let it out as I pushed inside him, painfully slow. I shuddered at the tightness and moaned even louder than Gerard did. I pushed against his legs with my body and he let out a half pain/half pleasure grunt.

“Shit, that’s deep,” Gerard murmured. I nodded and pushed a little further.

“Y-y-you good?” I stuttered out, shocked by how much I was trembling. Gerard nodded once and clenched around me.

“You?”

“Yeah… just, you’re so fucking tight,” I breathed.

“Hmmmm,” Gerard agreed as I started to pull back. I knew it was just as intense for him as it was for me when I thrust back inside him, us both pretty much screaming at the feel of each other.

Gerard kept his legs over my shoulders the whole time, even when they were shaking so bad I could feel the tremble going down to my bones. I had intended to take it easy at first to make up for the lack of prep but he just felt so good. 

As soon as I hit his prostate Gerard fisted the bed sheets and threw his head back to call my name. The sound and sight of him drove me on, making me pound into him even harder.

“Yeah… yeah, Frank,” Gerard cried, the sweat rolling down his face as he writhed on the bed. I was seconds away from reaching out to take hold of his throbbing cock when he barked out my name again, his body convulsing as he came untouched.

“Fuck… so fuckin’… hot,” I told him even though he probably didn’t hear me; his eyes were rolled back in his head and he had a look of pure bliss over his face. It was all too much and my back arched as I pressed into Gerard, my orgasm shaking my body.

Gerard was whining softly when I got control of my limbs again so I laid his legs back on the bed and slowly pulled out of him, us both shuddering and moaning. I tugged the condom off, throwing it to the floor, then lay alongside Gerard.

“That’s what happens when you answer the door in a towel,” I said once I could speak without panting.

“What?” Gerard asked dreamily.

“The best fuck of your life,” I stated confidently. It was. It fucking had to be.

“Yeah…” Gerard agreed, nodding his head then pulling my arm over him. Feeling pretty pleased with myself, I tugged the sheet from under him then threw it over us as Gerard drifted off to sleep.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last bit of the backstage/best fuck saga - thanks for sticking with me!!  
> More chapters early next week xx

“No!”  
Gerard’s cry broke me instantly out of my sleep. I sat bolt upright in the dark, confused and a little scared. I could feel Gerard twitching next to me, his arms and legs shifting under the bed sheet.

“Gee?” I said at normal volume. My heart was pounding, adrenaline running through me at his panicked scream.

“I’m not, no,” he cried, his body twisting. I reached out to touch him and found his face was drenched in sweat. He jerked away from me then started swinging his arms in my direction.

“Shit, Gee, stop,” I begged, grabbing hold of his wrists. It was obvious he was dreaming, some kind of nightmare, but I couldn’t stop the worry that something was wrong with him. I pinned his arms against his sides and pressed my body against him to keep him still. He still tried to yank his arms loose, babbling nonsense as I held him.

I tried shushing him, saying his name and kissing his soaked skin. Eventually, when I was running out of ideas, I started to sing. That seemed to work; he didn’t stop instantly but he definitely moved less. I sang the same song over and over until I felt his body relax under mine and he stopped screaming and started snoring.

Gerard woke three more times that night, each attack just as violent and irrational. None of them scared me as much as the first though and it was easier to soothe him back to sleep once I knew how to look after him.

 

I woke up the next morning early. Gerard was still sleeping but his face looked tense, not the peaceful expression he’d had the only other time I’d woke up next to him. I propped myself up on my elbow to watch him but the movement disturbed him. The tension didn’t really leave his face when he woke up, it just transformed into a frustrated frown.

“Good morning, sunshine,” I said cheerily, not being able to stop myself sounding sarcastic.

“Morning,” Gerard mumbled, his face still set in a half scowl.

“You can hate me but I’m gonna say it anyway, I like waking up with you.” It was the truth and I wanted him to know that even if he wasn’t happy, I was.

“You’re too cheerful in a morning,” Gerard responded in a moody tone.

“And you don’t cheer up until you smoke at least two cigarettes.” 

“Then coffee,” Gerard added then yawned.

“I’m not surprised you’re still tired. You always so restless?” I asked; I couldn’t remember him being so unsettled the only other time we’d shared a bed… for sleeping, I mean.

“Hmm?” Gerard looked puzzled as his mouth gaped open again, another yawn forcing its way out.

“You know… the screaming, kicking…” I didn’t think it was possible he could do all of that and not remember but when he started to blush I realised I’d put my foot in it; he clearly did know and it was obvious it wasn’t unusual for him.

“Sorry. Did I hurt you?” 

“No, no. It was fine once I worked out how to calm you down.” 

“Calm me?” Gerard repeated starkly, not responding to my reassuring touch over his still red cheek.

“Yeah. I had to control your arms first in case you did pop me. I got them by your sides but you still fought me so I got my arms around you, held you against my chest. Then I sang to you until you stopped thrashing.” 

“What did you sing?” Gerard whispered, his face a cross between worried and awed.

“I don’t know. I picked something different each time,” I said honestly.

“Each time?” Gerard’s voice was high enough to break glass and I realised what I’d said. He grabbed the bed sheet in his fist and started to lift it. I wasn’t prepared to lose sight of his face so I stopped him.

“It was fine. It only freaked me a little the first time but then I knew what to do so it was cool.” 

“How many times?” Gerard asked, somewhat unsurely like he didn’t really want to know the answer.

“You don’t remember? Just twice,” I lied quickly, I didn’t want him to feel any worse than he already did.

“Liar.” Gerard’s eyes narrowed so I kissed his lips to try and distract him.

“I didn’t mind. I’d sing you to sleep every night if it helps.” 

“It’s the damage. Nightmares, when I can sleep at all I mean… when my life isn’t just one endless night. I’m either awake the whole time or it’s that stupid broken sleep with me thrashing or waking up constantly,” Gerard said quickly, like he was confessing the world’s biggest sin in the shortest time possible. I digested his words and swallowed down the pang of sadness I felt at how much he had been screwed over by his ex.

“You slept better last night?”

“Yeah, much.” 

“Then maybe I should stay more often? Or you could stay at mine,” I offered with a small smile. 

“Frank…” I knew Gerard was going to say no so I didn’t let him speak.

“I know I broke the rules but can’t we revise them? It’s not like a boyfriend thing, it just makes sense; saves me having to drive home or you getting a cab, you’ll sleep better too.” Fucking flawless logic, I was pretty fucking proud of that.

“If it gets too much…”

“We can stop,” I added the words I knew he wanted to. There was no harm in giving him an escape route; I knew he’d never use it, he had appreciated having me around just as much as I loved sleeping next to him… even if there was the risk of a black eye. 

“Agreed.”

“So, can I stay tonight?” I didn’t see the harm in flexing my new power. Gerard clearly did since all it earned me was a pillow in my face.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's another two part chapter and I'm low on time so I don't know when the second one will be up...

Rules are made to be broken, right? Or at the very least tested? I know Gee talks about how I always pushed his boundaries like I was trying to make things better for me. I don't see it that way. I was trying to help him realise that he loved me.

It occurred to me not long after that night at the gig that there was a risk things would never change between us. Not in a good way. His boundaries made sure our relationship stayed rigid and even though we had more of a friendship than before I went touring, if we had stuck to his strict policies then we would have got nowhere in terms of love. He needed a little push in the right direction every now and again to keep him on track.

 

The plan to make him have a key to my house was my first big push (after the sleeping over one, obviously). I thought if there was something physical, something tangible to symbolise our relationship it might help him see what we could have. I thought about a few ways to try and make Gerard take the key but I decided the more of a big deal I made then the less chance there was that he would accept it. In the end I kept it simple.

We were out for coffee, by this point we were meeting for more than just sex. We had become really good friends which only helped things from my point of view; the more time we could spend together the better. He took the key, begrudgingly, though I never knew it would be so simple; I was gearing up for a huge discussion when he smiled weakly and slipped it into his pocket.

 

I found the key a few weeks later. I’d just calmed Gee down from another midnight screaming fit and got out of his bed to get a glass of water. My head was pounding so I started looking through his kitchen drawers for some painkillers.

My door key was stuffed in a junk drawer, clearly abandoned and probably never even thought about since I’d given it to him. I abandoned my search and instead focussed trying to find a better place for the key.

Thinking of Alice in Wonderland (since I was grinning like the Cheshire Cat) I made an elaborate label stating ‘Use Me’ and attached it to the key. I wanted to find somewhere not completely obvious but somewhere I knew Gerard looked regularly. I carried it through his apartment, scrutinising each nook and cranny until I found the perfect place; I nestled the key under a pile of boxers in his underwear drawer.

I laughed to myself wondering how long it would take him to find it (depending how often he did laundry) and the look on his face when he did. My bright mood was quickly shattered though by the sound of Gerard screaming in his sleep.

 

The key came into play not much longer after then.

 

I was at rehearsals one Saturday, weirdly enough the bar where Andy works, they let us use it during the day if we are playing there on the night (otherwise it's my front room or Ray's garage). We hadn't actually done any playing; we had just set everything up on stage and were sat around talking.

The guys knew then that I was sleeping with Gee but not much more, just that we had some casual arrangement. Ray knew more than the others obviously but Gerard didn't know Ray knew as much as he did. It was getting harder to explain why I was so busy and why I kept skipping after show drinks nearly every weekend. Gerard and I discussed it and agreed that I could tell the band that I was sleeping with him but nothing about our relationship, the boundaries or who he was. Just that we were fucking to explain to the guys how I was spending my free time. I didn't like the story, it made Gerard sound cheap and unimportant but it was better than me thinking of lame excuses all the time

After they had finished begging me to give them a blow by blow account of my last weekend with him (which I refused) the conversation moved on to why Ray hadn’t dumped Yasmin yet. I was about to jump to my best friend’s defence (even though he really should have ditched her that time round) when my phone rang. It was Gerard but I answered different than normal since the guys were there.

"Hey, what's up?" I said casually, hoping he would understand it meant I wasn't alone.

"Nothing good, are you with the guys?" Gee really was stupidly in tune with me… except for the love thing.

"Yes," I said. Too formal. All three of the guys stopped mid-conversation to look at me.

"Well I'm alone and I'm naked, I'm thinking of your hard cock," he said in a serious, husky voice. Fuck. Seriously, fuck. I forgot how to breathe. What was he trying to do to me? The guys’ laughter broke through my silent shock.

"Shit, look how red Frank's gone," Patrick said and they all laughed again.

"Who are you talking to? Is it Gee?" Pete asked. I was still processing Gerard being naked on the end of the phone. Then the singing started.

There's a reason I'm the singer in our group. Absolute morons. They were singing some stupid childish song about boyfriends and kissing or something.

"Fucking idiots, you're like a bunch of school girls, shut the fuck up," I told all three of them. They all had their arms around each other’s shoulders and were swaying as they sang. I punched Patrick in the arm because he was closest to me. They stopped singing to laugh but then picked up with another verse.

"Give me a second," I told Gerard. He didn't answer so I walked away from the still singing idiots. I headed for the only door I could see, the women's toilets. That made them laugh again and I slammed the door behind me. I even locked myself in a cubicle to put as much distance between us as possible. I was calmer away from them but Gerard wasn't getting away with it.

"You're gonna pay for that," I told him in a playfully aggressive tone. I knew the guys couldn't hear me even if they were right outside the door of the toilets.

"I hope so," he said then giggled. "I'm sorry, Frankie, it was too easy to resist," he didn't sound sorry and I wondered if he was even naked.

"I'm guessing you were calling for an actual reason or is you being naked the reason?" I said to try and find out if he was.

"Both really." Whoa. I didn't wanna know the other reason.

"Wait, are you really naked?" I don’t know why I was surprised, he's dirty… more so than he told you.

"Yep, but it's not what you think... or hope. My shower is broken and Mikey isn’t home," he explained. I was disappointed but naked is naked, a guy can dream.

"So use mine, you've got a key." It was so obvious I was surprised he missed it.

"That's what I was calling for, to check it's okay," he said quietly. As if I was going to begrudge him using my place to shower.

"Yeah, you don't need to ask, you know where everything is." I wished he would wait until I could be there to wash his back but we weren't due to see each other until the next day. "I'm glad you did call though, I've missed you this week," I said honestly, my voice a touch too emotional. It was the first contact we had that week and it had been a long week.

"You'll see me tomorrow, you can show me how much you've missed me," he said in a flirty voice. I fully intended to.

"You better be ready; whatever the guys put me through when I go back in there, you are gonna get back threefold," I promised him.

"Bring it on," he said each word distinctly, with a pause in between each, then the line went dead.

I had to stay in the toilets for a few minutes before I faced the guys; a splash of cold water on my face didn’t work quite as well as cold shower would have.

Of course they were still making a big deal out of it and trying to get a reaction out of me when I went back into the bar.

"On your period, Frank? Trick can probably lend you a tampon if the machine in there is empty," Pete said the second I came out of the toilet door.

"How is the guy with this haircut calling me a girl?" I asked, yanking on the long hair over his face for good measure.

"Maybe cos you ran blushing into the women's toilets?" Ray offered. I couldn't be too mad at him though; he knew more about Gee than the other two so although it seems unfair for him to be cruel to me, if he didn't join in then it looks too obvious and the others would know something was up.

"Jealousy is a terrible thing," I sighed, shaking my head.

"Jealous? Of what?" Patrick asked.

"Yeah, we don't get to see Gee so he's either fuck ugly or doesn't exist," Pete backed him up.

"Fuck ugly, I reckon," Ray decided.

“Is Gee the name of your right hand?” Patrick said then laughed at his own joke.

"He exists and he is far from ugly," I said. But they knew that, they've seen the guys that hand me their numbers and throw themselves at me at the end of most gigs.

"He's Lauren, isn't he? You're fucking her but you don't wanna pay out," Pete yelled. They all laughed and I joined in because the idea that I would fuck a groupie (especially one as crazy as Lauren) or a woman was ludicrous. Plus I had backed Pete in the race to Lauren’s bed.

"Gee's gotta be half decent, look at some of the guys Frank's turned down before, remember Brendon?" Ray said. I smiled at him because without the others realising he had stepped up and saved me. The mere mention of Brendon was enough to get Pete drooling.

"Fuck yeah, Brendon..." Pete said, his eyes already glazed.

Brendon was one of the guys from the month before that tried to get me to go home with him. I didn't get the fascination; he was tall with perfectly styled hair and too much confidence, it came off kinda rude. Ray and Pete were desperate to get his attention but it was me he wanted. My polite refusal made the guys decide I was mentally unstable enough to be committed.

"Are we playing or what?" I threw one of Patrick's drumsticks at him and it bounced off his head. Everyone laughed and the subject of Gee was closed.


	23. Chapter 23

 

After a few hours of practice we decided we weren't gonna get any better before the gig so we called it quits. We weren't playing anything new so there were no big worries about the set. I told the guys they could come back to mine, I only planned to have something to eat and watch a movie before getting ready for the gig.

The guys descended on my kitchen as soon as I unlocked the front door, ripping any potential snack foods from my fridge and cupboards. I left them to it and flicked on the television in the front room to see what films were showing.

"Why the fuck have you got smoothies in your fridge?" Pete was stood in the doorway. I laughed before I explained.

"They're for non-existent Gee," I told him. He raised his eyebrows at me.

"I thought you were just fucking, is he living here now?"

"Nah, if you haven't realised in all these years I'm a good host. He's here tomorrow and he likes smoothies." I always made sure I had enough of what he likes to eat and drink, another nudge. I ignored the ‘just fucking’ portion of Pete’s comment, it was true enough but it sounded cheap and sordid coming from him.

"You're going soft," Pete said, rolling his eyes. I've always been soft. "I gotta piss," he added as he turned to head up the stairs.

"Aim better, I'm not cleaning up after you," I shouted after him. Pete doesn’t share my passion for a clean house and he loves picking on my obsessive traits; sometimes he hides bits of junk, empty packets or cans, then texts me to say he has done it but not where it is, knowing that I won’t stop until I find it.

There wasn't anything that caught my attention so I flipped the television onto a classic sci-fi that I've seen a million times. Ray and Patrick came into the room with armfuls of food and threw themselves on my couch.

"Seriously, this again?" Ray said (he hates sci-fi).

"Put what you want on, I'm going to get changed." I threw the remote to Ray. I left the front room and stopped off in the kitchen to pour myself a coffee and survey the damage they had already inflicted on my formerly pristine kitchen. After a quick mouthful of coffee I walked up the stairs and the sight at the top made me pause.

As I turned toward my bedroom I noticed Pete hadn't bothered to close the bathroom door. That's not what made me stop, four months living in a van and the occasional hotel room with three guys means you get more than one accidental look at each other’s junk. It's weird at first but within a few weeks… changing, showering, pissing are basically group activities; none of us are shy (except Patrick but he needs to learn to grow up a little) and there is no privacy on tour. It was the fact that Pete was facing my shower with his hand pressed against his dick that made me pause.

My first thought was that he was making an over the top point about my 'aim better' comment and planning to piss in my shower just to annoy me. But then I realised he was rubbing himself, his mouth open and eyes wide.

"Pete! What the fuck are you doing?" I shouted. He turned his head in my direction as I marched towards the bathroom. I was almost through the door when I heard the shower running. I didn't realise what that meant though until I looked at it.

Gerard. Naked Gerard. Naked, wet Gerard. Naked, wet, one hand on his cock, Gerard.

Now Pete’s actions made more sense. I had no idea what to make of the whole situation; was Gee fooling around with Pete? This was bad. Random strangers is bad enough but my friends? Would he really do that? And Gee still had his hand right where mine should be. I raised my eyebrows at him, I didn't wanna tell him what to do but I hoped he would get it. He did.

"Frank, really? This is Gee?" Pete said, not looking at me but continuing to eyeball Gerard through the glass.

"Yeah, it is. Can you put your tongue back in your mouth and stop staring at him?" I managed to growl, barely keeping my rage in.

 "It was nothing to do with him, he didn't even know I was here until about three seconds before you showed up. I shouldn’t have been staring though,” Pete said suddenly, sensing my fury at him and how inappropriate he was being. Relief washed through me and a twinge of guilt too; as if I thought Gerard would mess around with another guy, particularly a guy I know, in my house.

“Or touching your dick,” I spat when I noticed Pete hadn’t moved his hand.

“Fuck.” Pete had the decency to look ashamed as he pushed his hand into his pocket. “I'm sorry, Frank... Gee.”

I blew out a breath and tried to get my face back to normal. I looked at Gerard's face to check he was okay and he nodded. His small smile told me he was fine and that Pete was telling the truth. I guessed he accepted his apology so I didn’t have much choice.

"Don't worry, he has that effect on people. Just maybe don't tell the others?" I asked, worried Pete was going to blow what was left of mine and Gee’s secret relationship.

"Sure thing, not a story I'll be telling, doesn't make me look great," Pete said quietly as he left the room.

As soon as he was out the door I closed it. I turned around as Gerard was stepping out of my shower. He looked so good, all wet and covered in bubbles, his hair clinging to his face. I rammed my hands into my pockets so I wouldn't be tempted to touch him.

"I wouldn't have let him upstairs if I knew you were here, I thought you would have come when you called me." It had been hours ago when he called and I was confused as to why he was still in my bathroom.

"I meant to but I fell asleep then I couldn’t find the key. I didn't expect you to be home yet." Gerard didn’t say it but I knew I probably was partly to blame since I moved the key.

In fact none of it was really his fault. We never mentioned time scales; I'd even told him he didn't need to ask my permission, he could have been here any time, any day and I wouldn't know. I knew then that I needed to be more careful with having other people at my house; a lesson learnt the hard way. Something else was weighing more on my mind though.

“Did you know he was there?” I asked meekly, scared to know the answer but more scared of not asking.

“Hell no! I don’t make a habit of touching myself in the shower if people have got a front row view,” Gerard answered; his voice offended.

“What am I supposed to think, Gee? I know what you’re like with the whole exhibitionist thing.” Surely he could understand how it looked to me?

“No way. This was so not that, I swear,” Gerard said softly. He tugged my hand out of my pocket to wrap his fingers around mine; I let him but I was still feeling a little uncertainty over the situation.

“You know I’ve never asked you… about what, who you’re with when you’re not with me. I don’t wanna know. Not really. But, please, tell me you’re not fucking anyone I know,” I begged quietly. It was all I wanted to hear; right then I didn’t care if it was a lie, I just wanted to hear him say that he cared about me enough not to make me look a fool.

“I’m not. I’m not sleeping with anyone apart from you,” I heard Gerard whisper.

“Really?” I looked up at him and saw what I was hoping for in his eyes, that he was telling me the truth.

“Really. Pretty much since I quit drinking,” Gerard confessed. I had a hard time not screaming with joy. That was the best thing he ever said to me up to that point (apart from when he said we could try our twisted relationship).

“Okay,” I said, trying to make my voice and face appear far less ecstatic than I actually was; didn’t want him to think I was reading more into it than he intended.

"Are you mad at me?" Gerard asked in a tiny voice. I'm rarely mad at Gee and when I am it’s normally my fault anyway. How could I be mad that he was touching himself in my shower (hot and dirty) and that Pete happened to catch him because I hadn’t been careful enough?

"Not at all, baby. Why would you think that?" I was confused by his question, I didn't think I’d acted angry except towards Pete.

"You haven't seen me in a week, I'm stood here naked and I don't even get a hug or kiss," he said quietly, motioning with his hand up and down his body. Like I didn't know that, I was trying my best not to think about it.

"You're also dripping wet and foamy.”

The temptation was too strong now he had mentioned it though. Just one finger. I reached out and collected some foam from his chest and wiped it on the end of his nose. He screwed up his face but smiled. His face got serious though as he wiped away the bubbles from his nose and I knew he was worrying about something.

“Fair enough,” he said in a sad voice, shifting his weight from foot to foot. I got it then… he was worried I didn’t want him anymore, either from his actions or confession… Gerard was vulnerable.

"Fuck it," I said, to myself and him. I still had hold of his hand so I pulled him against me and used my other hand to tilt his head back. I put my lips over his and his mouth was already open. I had to stop sooner than I wanted because I needed air.

"Why did I tell the guys to come back to mine?" I said rhetorically. If I knew Gerard was gonna be here looking like he did then I would have left practice earlier and alone.

"Pete's probably already told them I'm up here anyway, and you're gonna have to take your clothes off before you go downstairs..." he trailed off. He pulled my wet t-shirt away from my body and he had to move away a little to do it. I wasn't having that, I ran a hand down his back and stopped just above his ass to push him back close to me. He shivered and I'm not sure even now if it was from my fingers or because he must have been able to feel how much he had turned me on.

My shirt needed changing anyway and I wanted to feel him, really feel him, so I took my shirt off. He was like lightning once I let him go, he popped my button and had my jeans and boxers around my ankles in a second. I didn't even get to hold his wet body against my chest because he was already on his knees.

Gerard raised one hand and laid it flat on my stomach then looked up at me. His eyes were intense and smouldering; it was like I could see right into his mind and read exactly what he was going to do. He kept eye contact as he dragged his hand, painfully slow, down my body then wrapped his fingers around me.

Even though I knew it was coming, I still gasped when he flicked out his tongue to lick me. I closed my eyes and focussed on the feel of his slow hand movements and I was silently willing him to use his tongue again. He pushed those amazing lips over the tip and softly sucked as his hand kept moving. I moaned at the sensation and flexed my hips.

Then he was gone. My eyes sprang open and he was looking at me with a wicked smile. Even though I'd told him on the phone that he was gonna pay, suddenly I was the one in debt. I knew he wasn't done; Gee's never started something he hasn't finished.

"You're a fucking tease," I whispered. It's the truth and he knows it, Gerard loves handing out anticipation but hates being on the receiving end (I've had worse than a knee to the head for making him wait).

"And you love it," he said. Also true, the build-up is all part of the experience.

He kissed me everywhere, well everywhere except there. My stomach, the tops of my thighs, all around but never there. I was struggling to control my breathing but my legs were surprisingly sturdy, like each kiss reinforced my knees, locked them in place.

Gerard stopped his kissing, wrapped his hand around me and held his mouth open, if I moved forward even just an inch... I could feel his breath on me. I was rewarded soon enough though; his lips brushed every bit of me as he moved forward, his fingers moving one by one just in time to be replaced. He took it all, he always does. I've no idea how but to be honest I don't question it. I groaned when I felt his lips bump against my skin, his nose too.

I didn't want him to move so I clutched at his wet hair, wrapping it around my fingers as he sucked and licked. He tried to move back and forth but he didn't need to so I pulled on his hair to stop him. Was it too hard? I don't remember pulling any harder than usual but then I also don't remember telling him he had 'an amazing, dirty mouth' but he assures me I did (so do the guys).

Good thing he can breathe through his nose though because I wasn't letting him go and when I knew I was getting close I pushed myself even further into his throat. He knew what it meant because he stopped licking and sucked me harder. I did pull his hair too hard when my orgasm was about to hit so I loosened my grip as I grunted, both of those actions were pretty much the only warning I gave him. It made sense to him though, he pulled back enough so I could explode in his mouth.

I came hard and loud and Gerard looked me in the eye as he swallowed everything I had (and boy, did he make sure I gave him it all). I tried to take a deep breath but I couldn't really fill my lungs. I let go of his hair completely and he kissed me before he got back to his feet, it didn't really help my breathing situation but I liked it.

"I think... I might have been too loud," I whispered between breaths. Too late for whispering, I could hear the guys right outside the bathroom.

Gerard looked towards the door and the bastards started singing again, their own new and filthy version of the boyfriend chant from earlier that day. Clever fuckers. With the speed they whipped that up we should have a lot more original material than we do.

I was not impressed but Gerard was laughing as he wrapped a towel around himself. It really was not funny… alright, the lyrics might be, but the situation was definitely not. I looked at him questioningly with my eyebrows raised.

"No, it's not funny but what else do you want me to do? I'm not climbing out the window so... they've got us, Frankie," he said casually and shrugged his shoulders. The guys hadn't managed to draft a second verse so they just started with the first all over again. I refused to be trapped in my own house by three idiots.

"If you value your lives you will get out of my house now," I shouted. That shut them up.

"I said nothing, I promise," Pete shouted through the closed door.

"He's telling the truth, I think the whole street heard what was happening in there," Ray added, always the peace keeper. It was my own fault really, or Gee's depending how you look at it.

"Trust me," Gerard said quietly. I trust him completely so I let him walk over to the bathroom door. I nearly protested when he took the towel off but I had faith. He opened the door, just a crack, then threw his towel out while he stayed out of sight. I couldn't stop myself gasping but only because I was expecting the guys to push their way in.

"I've not finished with Frank yet so off you go, boys," his voice was commanding, sexy yet slightly scary. He closed the door when he finished speaking to show the matter wasn't up for negotiation. It worked, they shuffled down the stairs and left. He's a genius, a dirty genius.


	24. Chapter 24

Gerard’s confession that he was sleeping with just me only spurred me on, made me more determined to make him see how great we would be as a real couple. I upped the game with my small nudges, making sure I would say or do something every time I saw him that pushed him just a little further.

The next major push in the right direction came courtesy of Andy. This was more of a giant kick than a polite nudge but I can't really take the credit; there was nothing pre-planned or arranged about it. Really, if we are pointing the finger then it's all Gerard's fault anyway; all he had to do at any point was just ask who Andy was and it could all have gone very differently.

 

Because Gerard didn't want anyone to know about us we didn't risk being linked in any way. We regularly changed the places we met and purposely chose quieter bars and coffee shops. We couldn’t expose our connection in any way, not even on social media but it didn't stop me having a quick peek online every now and again (daily) to see what he was up to (and that his relationship status hadn't changed). That's how I knew he was going to the cinema that night.

There's only one cinema that's within walking distance of Gerard's place so it was more than likely he was going there. He had already posted what film he was seeing and that he was alone since Mikey ditched him so I joined the queue to buy my ticket, silently smug at my awesome plan to surprise him.

"Frank?"

 A male voice disturbed my internal gloating. I looked up from my wallet to see Andy in front of me in the queue. He had turned around to face me and was smiling.

"Hi, Andy," I responded politely. Andy works behind the bar at one of our regular venues. He's been there for years and always chats to us all, even gives us the odd free drink.

"How are you doing? Busy?"

"Yeah, no platinum disc yet but can't complain," I joked. He laughed then looked at me with a serious face.

"You here alone? What are you seeing?" I like Andy but he has an annoying habit of asking a question then another before you get chance to answer the first. It makes it difficult to have a smooth conversation with him because sometimes the answer to the first triggers more questions so the second one is forgotten.

Before I got to chance to answer either it was Andy's turn to be served. I stood next to him while he bought his ticket and then answered his second question, it was the same film he was seeing. I bought my ticket next and since I only bought one it answered Andy's first question.

"You wanna sit together? Unless you're meeting someone?"

Double question hell. I didn't really want to say I was meeting Gerard in case he wasn't there, also if Andy thought Gerard was my boyfriend… I couldn’t risk him saying anything to the band the next time we played at the bar.

"Erm, yeah," I was answering the second question but Andy thought I was answering the first.

"Cool," he said, turning around at the same time as me.

I saw Gerard instantly, he was standing by the screen where the film was being shown. He looked gorgeous, of course, in dark blue jeans and a bright green shirt. The colour of the shirt made his eyes sparkle and his hair shine. I smiled at him then turned to speak to Andy.

"My friend is right over there, I'm gonna go say hi," I told Andy. He smiled and nodded so I headed over to Gerard. I didn't realise until I stopped that Andy had followed me. Gerard realised though, he was looking Andy up and down intensely.

"Hey, Gee," I said to get his eyes back on me and break what was turning into a prolonged silence. Gerard looked at me and for just a second I thought he looked like he was going to throw up. But then it was gone and he smiled just a little.

"Hey," he said quietly. He gave a tiny, tentative wave to Andy. I saw Andy raise his eyebrows at Gee as he waved back. I wondered what that was about, I guessed it was some unspoken signal that didn't concern me so I ignored it.

"Gee, this is Andy," I introduced them because it seemed like the polite thing to do. I looked at them both and as I looked at Andy I realised (too late) what the eyebrow thing meant. He was checking out Gee. Andy was straight though so it didn’t make sense.

"Hey," Gee said directly to Andy with a bigger smile than he had given me.

"Hi, nice to meet you. So how do you know Frank?" Andy asked Gee. Not a good question at this point in our relationship. Gerard looked at me like he didn't know what to say. I tried to discourage Andy.

"Gee is my best friend," I said, too loud and with a massive grin. Gerard looked a little shocked but Andy was looking at me so I don't think he saw.

"Really? I would have thought that was Ray?" Andy said in his annoying, rapid fire question way. Gerard looked a little red cheeked, maybe my words had embarrassed him. It had distracted Andy though and I was glad of that.

"I just let Ray think that," I said to Andy like I was letting him in on the world's biggest secret. Gerard smiled again but it didn't fully reach his eyes. The door to the screen swung open and Gerard nodded towards it.

"I better go," Gerard said but his voice wasn't right; it was too shaky and I thought again about him being sick. Andy looked towards the screen so I took the chance to try and see if Gerard was okay but he wouldn't meet my eyes. Andy turned back so I had to stop my wordless probing.

"I should have guessed we would be seeing the same movie," I said for Gerard’s benefit. Andy laughed as I showed Gerard my ticket. I was trying to get him to look at me still but he was just staring at the paper in my hand. I knew Andy was going to sit with me but I wasn't not sitting near Gerard; it was why I had come in the first place. "Come on, we can sit together," I said loud enough for them both to hear, it seemed too rude to ditch Andy.

I hooked my arm through Gerard's and moved towards the screen, a guy can do that to his best friend, can't he? I guessed Andy was following us, I didn't really care if he wasn't. I was focusing on making sure we beat Andy to the door.

"Back row, Gee?" I whispered in his ear. I hoped he would understand the connotation though there wasn't much I could do if Andy was following. I released Gerard’s’ arm when I heard Andy right behind me. I wanted to sit next to Gee and I definitely didn't want Andy next to him. Gerard was standing still so I pushed him forward down the row then quickly followed so I would be sitting between Gerard and Andy.

As soon as we were all sat down Andy turned on the charm offensive. He turned in his chair and smiled at Gerard, I've seen Andy use that smile before when he's trying to get some pretty girl to wait until his shift is finished so he can take her home. This was not good.

"So how did you two meet?" Andy said to Gerard. I didn't want him to draw Gerard into a conversation so I answered for him.

"We met at the diner almost a year and a half ago," that was vague enough, I added a bit of time to try and discourage Andy (it was only actually just over a year). I smiled at Gerard knowing he would be thinking what I was thinking; the memory of that shared cigarette and his hand in my pants.

Andy smiled and nodded but only at Gerard. The cinema lights dipped and the trailers started so that effectively killed the opportunity for more conversation. In the dark I had no chance of seeing Gerard's expression and the sound of his voice the last time he had spoken was still worrying me.

Not caring if Andy saw, I reached out and put my hand on Gerard's knee. Best friends probably don't do that but not only did I need to touch Gee, I wanted him to look at me. He stayed completely still except for a slight flinch when I put my hand on him. I hoped it was just in surprise because he didn't see me move my arm in the dark but there was a chance it was for a deeper reason.

I couldn't watch the movie, I was too absorbed in watching Gerard. He was practically a statue and it was scaring me. I squeezed his knee, just a little pressure, to try and get a reaction. It worked but not as well as I hoped, only his eyes moved towards me. I looked at him with a pleading expression, so many questions in my eyes. He only gave me a few seconds of his attention before looking back at the screen.

I spent so long looking at Gerard that I didn't realise the film was over. A few people in front moved and I saw the credits on the screen. Gerard pushed my hand off his leg and stood up. The way he did it felt robotic and cold. It hurt. I didn't want him to leave; I had to talk to him away from Andy to see what was going on.

"You know there's gonna be a hidden bit at the end, sit down" I said. I knew there would be and Gerard wouldn't wanna miss it, he's as big a sci-fi nerd as me. I saw Andy nod, of course he would want Gerard to stay. Gerard surprised me by shaking his head.

"Goodbye, Andy," he said stiffly. Gerard took one look at me then swung his legs over the seat in front and marched down the empty row.

"Gee," I called but he didn't even break his stride.

"Where's he going? What's wrong with him?" Andy said. Two questions but the answer was the same for both.

"I don't know." I'd obviously done something. Maybe my brilliant plan to surprise Gee at the cinema was a rule breach. Too romantic? Too much like a date? Andy was still talking.

“Weird, not very best friend to just ditch you like that, is it? Something upset him?”

“Maybe. Was you hitting on him?” I had to ask.

“What? Are you serious? Frank, I’m straight, you know that,” Andy said then laughed.

“I know… it just seemed like you were flirting with him…”

“I was just being friendly. I think you’re a little paranoid.”

“Probably, sorry.” I wanted to chase after Gerard but Andy was in the way.

"Wanna grab a beer? You got time?" Andy asked. I thought about climbing over the chair in front.

"No, I haven’t really," I said a little too sharply. "Look, I should probably go see if Gee's okay." I stood up and thankfully so did Andy. I didn't wait for him to move, I just smiled and stepped passed him. "See you next month, Andy.”


	25. Chapter 25

I ran out of the cinema but Gerard was nowhere to be seen. I thought he would probably be walking so I headed straight to my car with the intention of tracking him down. Once I was in the driver’s seat I pulled out my phone and called him. It rang a few times then cut off. I instantly redialled and it only rang once before Gerard cancelled the call. I called again and his phone was turned off.

I stalled my car in my rush to get it started but the engine roared to life on the second attempt. I drove, too fast, along the route it was most likely Gerard would take. I didn't see him and I knew he had taken a cab when I got to his apartment building because the lights were on.

I parked by the kerb and jogged up the stairs. I knocked on the front door, not too loud because he had to be expecting me and I knew he would only be in the kitchen or front room. I could tell he was angry just from the way he opened the door, nearly wrenching it off its hinges.

"You can be a real fucking jerk, you know?" were his opening words. No idea why because it never worked in the past but I went with comedy.

"And you can be a real asshole," I said with a smile. All it got me was a faceful of door. What a fucking genius. I knocked again because I couldn't leave it like that. He must have known I wouldn't give up; he opened the door before I’d even really finished knocking. New tack, semi-serious comedy.

"Shall we try again? Good evening, Gerard Arthur Way," I said in a formal voice. He screwed up his perfect face.

"Go fuck yourself, Frank Anthony," he spat… can’t believe he still couldn’t pronounce my surname after a year. I deserved his words for the 'Gerard Arthur Way' alone, never mind my attempt at humour. I took a step forward but Gerard didn't move. I died a little inside. He wasn't going to let me in. He didn't want me. I raised my eyebrows because I couldn't really speak. He sighed then stepped aside. My heart restarted and I took a breath.

"Do you want me to come in?" I said because it still felt like he didn't.

"I'd rather not argue on the doorstep," he said bitterly. I stepped into his apartment before he changed his mind.

"I'd rather not argue at all," I mumbled but he heard me.

"Don't play stupid fucking games then," he snapped then slammed the door, the sound sitting perfectly with the anger in his voice. It wounded me that he thought I was playing at anything. I've never taken anything as seriously as I take my relationship with Gerard, right from the first kiss.

"Games? You're the one with all the rules. What game am I playing?"

"Don't you ever drag me into one of your dates again. If you wanna fuck other men that's fine and you know it is but don't involve me," he hissed.

The way he said 'fuck other men' stung me, I didn't like it that he thought of me that way, like I needed anything more than what he could give me. I didn't know how to defend myself so I just told him the truth.

"I'm not fucking anyone else and I can't remember the last time I went on a date.” I haven’t been with anyone else since I met Gerard; I’ve only wanted and needed him.

"Short memory," he spat. He was really twisted if he thought that was a date, he had annoyed me now and my tone got a little acidic.

"Oh, right, was tonight a date? It didn't feel like it since you would barely look at me and left as soon as the movie finished. I didn't get to walk you home or even try for a sly goodnight kiss." As I answered him I suddenly remembered my last date; it was with Gerard at The Full Effect, the day after we met.

"I wasn't the one on a date," his voice was like ice.

"Neither was I." I threw up my hands in confusion.

"So Andy wasn't either?" Gerard said Andy's name like it was a dirty word. It just added to my confusion. I didn't remember Andy mentioning a date at any point.

"No, unless he went on it after the movie." Gerard stared at me like I was lying. If Gerard said he wasn't on a date but he thought I was... and Andy too. I realised that Gerard didn't know about Andy’s sexuality.

"Did you think we were together?" I didn't need to say Andy's name, it was clear who I was talking about. Gerard didn't answer me verbally, he just put his hands on his hips and pulled his face into an expression that told me the answer was 'yes'. "Shit, I do look like a real jerk," I said to myself as I rubbed my chin, realising how the night looked to Gerard.

"Yeah, you are." Normally I love his feisty nature but not when he's needlessly insulting me.

"I said I looked like one, not that I was one," I corrected him. Not that it mattered really, it wasn't the most important thing I had to say to him. "Andy works at a bar that books us every month, he was in front of me at the ticket counter. We got chatting while we waited and he was seeing the same movie. He said we should sit together and I thought it was rude to say no."

"And you're just friends and he's not interested at all?" Gerard said, a hint of jealousy in his sarcastic tone. Gerard might have just said I could fuck other men but he was having a breakdown over me going to the cinema with a straight guy.

"Yep, you're right," I was delighted to deliver the news. "Andy is straight and he prefers blondes.”

I couldn't help but grin at Gee, he had got it all so wrong. And to be honest, I kinda liked him acting like this over me.

"Oh… guess I should say sorry then," his words were barely more than mumbled, didn’t matter though; I wasn't gonna make him apologise. Gerard will never have to say sorry to me. Unconditional love and all that goes with it.

I was a little shocked that he thought I would be so cruel though. If I really had been on a date did he think I would have introduced them then sat together?

"Did you seriously think I would put you through that? You know me better than that, Gee.” At least I hoped he did. I shook my head to emphasise my words.

"I did think it was out of character but it was a totally logical conclusion to jump to. You're together at the cinema, seeing the same movie, he's totally gorgeous, what was I supposed to think?" Gerard tried to defend his thought process. I told him the truth again.

"That you can’t put anything out there on social media that I’m not gonna notice? That I saw that your tweet about going to the cinema and Mikey cancelling so I decided to surprise you but Andy bumped into me before I could find you?" Gerard looked at me like he was trying to decide if I was telling the truth. "Come on, Gee, I missed the surprise bit at the end of a movie for you, is there any greater gesture?"

Even though to a fellow nerd those words are powerful enough I still pulled out my most adorable face.

"Alright," he conceded with a dramatic sigh.

I knew I had won him over and not just the argument about Andy… the look in Gerard’s eyes right then as he sighed, his reactions, the blatant jealousy; he loved me. I had always hoped he did but that was the first time I really knew it, even if he didn't. I moved towards him and kissed his forehead.

"You're cute when you're jealous," I told him. It was true and if he accepted the jealousy it might help him get in touch with other emotions. He opened his mouth then closed it just as quickly. I knew he wasn't going to admit anything, so because I'd been dying to do it since I saw him in the cinema, I kissed his soft lips.

Make up sex is so the best.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry... just, ya know... life and shit. I'll try and get a bit more regular again.

From that point it became my personal mission to make Gerard realise he loved me on his own. Lying next to him that night while he slept I thought about telling him in the morning. Not that he loved me but that I loved him. I figured he must have known that or at least had an idea but if I said it then it would make it real and there's no taking back those three little words.

I chickened out though.

When he woke up I searched his eyes for that special little look, the flash I'd seen the night before, but it wasn't there. I panicked and convinced myself I was wrong, that I must have misread the signs. Gerard kissed me then stroked my face.

"Don't look so worried, I'm not mad anymore," he said. I swallowed and forced out a smile. I was going to say something about how I should make him mad more often just so we could make up but the words were all jumbled in my head.

"I know," I said instead. I didn't have anything else to say right then so I kissed him, probably a little too fiercely. I remember thinking if I kissed him enough, touched him enough that the words would transfer into him like osmosis.

I almost asked him to call in sick to work so I could spend all day working on this new theory but he pulled away and sighed. He kissed my lips just once before he got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom.

 

The next seven months were long.

 

Twenty three times I saw that look in Gerard’s eyes over those seven slow months. I kept a log of them all in case I started to doubt it again. I even rated their intensity, I have absolutely no idea why and I'm aware of how crazy it sounds but I think it actually kept me sane.

 

Number four - we were just drinking in a bar and I smiled at him, I wasn't even trying to make it happen and it was a pretty strong look, it was there for a few seconds.

 

Number eight - in the alley outside a coffee place where we ended up fucking. It was only a fleeting look because he was trying to pretend like it was just a casual encounter but really he was as desperate as I was which is why we didn’t make it home.

 

Number eleven – one night in my bed when his nightmare was so bad I had no choice but to wake him since the usual singing and holding didn’t work. At first there was only fear and then guilt in his eyes but when it faded the love was there, strong and sure until he blinked it away into embarrassed tears.

 

The looks continued, each one spurring me on and also breaking off a tiny part of me because Gerard still didn't realise what they meant. It was just after number eighteen that Ray caught me having a mini episode over the whole thing.

 

I'd had the guys over for drinks after a Saturday night gig, I wasn't seeing Gerard until the Sunday so I took the chance to hang out with the band. It was nothing special, just beer and talking about music, films and sex (not about Gee though).

Ray drank the best part of a bottle of bourbon within two hours and was more than worse for wear. Pete and Patrick didn't want him in their cab in case he threw up so we left him on the couch, he was asleep before they were even out the door. I left Ray a bottle of water and a bucket (then said a quick prayer that he wouldn’t miss the bucket) before I went up to bed myself.

My phone woke me up around 11am, a picture message from Gerard. Always a good way to start the day. Yes, I admit that I was hoping he was gonna be naked in it. What I got was better and worse.

It was a selfie, he might have been naked but the shot stopped at his bare shoulders so maybe just topless. He was in bed, the main focus was his head on his pillow; he was lying down and clearly holding his phone above him. His hair was an out of control mess of curls and frizz and he had an adorable ‘just woken up’ smile on his face. The message read: 'Do I need to brush my hair before you come over or is this bed hair acceptable? x'.

Look number seventeen was right there, captured in millions of tiny pixels forever. Gerard's eyes, full of love, stared right at me from my phone screen. Of course I was thrilled to see that look again but it was bittersweet. The text told me he was just messing around, being playful and flirty (like I care if he brushes his hair or not, he’s hot either way). It wasn't until I choked out a sob that I realised once I'd seen his eyes in the photo that I had expected the accompanying text to say something different.

I thought Gerard had realised. I thought the message would be his unique way of telling me he loved me but he was still oblivious. I didn't remember I wasn't alone in the house until I heard a soft tap on my bedroom door.

Ray.

I snapped my mouth shut and tried to suppress the noise. I took a shaky breath but he didn't wait for me to speak, he just stepped into my room and sat on the end of my bed.

Ray looked surprisingly well considering the amount of booze he had downed, he had lost his jeans along the way and his t-shirt was creased from being slept in but his face didn’t look hung over. Even so he probably looked in better shape than me. I'd stopped the sounds but the tears were still streaming down my face, I think I was rocking back and forth too.

"I feel shitty but you look it, man," Ray kindly confirmed. I didn't bother to answer him, I couldn't get enough control to stop the tears and his words didn't help. I just shrugged and pulled my knees up to my chest. "Wanna talk? What's up?"

"Gee," I managed to say like it was the entire answer. Ray's expression changed as he misunderstood my meaning.

"You guys broke up, I'm sorry," he sounded like he really meant it. A voice in my head exploded into giggles, I'm sure I would have laughed out loud if I was capable. I shook my head and Ray waited in silence. There wasn't any pressure to explain but I needed to get it out.

"How do you break up if you're not even together?" I wasn't looking for an answer and Ray knew that. He shifted so he was sat next to me and copied my knees to chest position. He smelt like vomit and stale alcohol but I didn't care.

"He found someone else?" Ray whispered. He could guess all day and he wouldn't even get close.

"Stop guessing," I sniffled, every scenario he offered just made it worse. "I'm an idiot," I said because it's true, who the fuck cries like the world is over because someone loves them?

"Yeah, but you can’t cry about that or you're never gonna stop," Ray said lightly. I think I managed a half smile for him. The jackass. I looked at him and wiped my face with my bed sheet. The tears had run out and I could breathe a bit easier.

"Gee loves me," I said. Ray smiled like it was the best news he had heard all year.

"That's great, man. Isn't that what you want?" I nodded but I still couldn't really smile. "So I would say happy tears but your face says they aren't."

"He doesn't know it," I stated stiffly. Ray looked confused then my words started before I could stop them. "He doesn't know, he loves me and he hasn't got any idea. I see it all the time in his eyes but he's oblivious. I'm sure it gets stronger each time that look flashes across his face but he's so out of touch, so emotionless that he can't see it, can’t feel it." I dropped my head onto my knees. Ray was silent for a beat then he rubbed my bare back as he spoke.

"Make him see, man. The right time will come and you will be able to open his eyes." Ray is one clever guy. His words made sense so I lifted my head and nodded. "You've waited this long, you can ride it out until he's ready," he added.

"He's worth the wait," I said then smiled and Ray looked just as sure about it as I did.

"Now as much as I would love to continue this bordering on homoerotic, real life drama scene, I'm gonna fucking hurl." Ray leapt up and bolted to my bathroom. I hoped it was the whisky rather than my disastrous love life that was making him vomit.


	27. Chapter 27

Looks number twenty through to twenty three all happened consecutively so I'm gonna cover all of them. I know Gee covered a few of the stories but I think it's important you see it from my side too. If you disagree then skip ahead a few chapters, you already know how it turns out.

 

I'm not sure if it was the sound of Gerard in my kitchen or the smell of fresh coffee that woke me up that night… or morning whatever way you wanna look at it. I was all wrapped up in my bed sheet and alone. My alarm clock said it was almost 3am and since Gee's panicked screams hadn't woken me I guessed he'd been awake since I fell asleep. I didn't want him to be alone so I got out of bed and went to find him.

At the bottom of my stairs I could see the kitchen light was on so I tried there first. There he was. Gerard was leaning with his back against the counter, a coffee clutched in both hands, staring out of the dark glass of the kitchen window. His only clothing was a pair of my boxers, the ones I had on the night before, they were black and tight.

I've got no ego and I'm proud to say Gerard looks better in my underwear than I do. I was still half asleep but I was awake enough to know he looked jaw dropping. I just wish he had turned around so I could see that ass in them. Gerard took a drink from his cup then caught me watching him from the doorway.

"Why are you making coffee at three in the morning?" I asked him, my voice sounded heavy, all sleepy. I stretched my arms to try and wake myself up, didn't look like Gerard was coming back to bed anytime soon so that meant I was up too.

"Couldn't sleep, I didn't mean to wake you," he said in an apologetic tone.

Gee hates that his insomnia and nightmares affect my sleeping patterns but I don't mind. I like comforting him and I'd rather be awake with him than asleep without him. I waved my hand like I was batting his words away as I yawned and walked to him.

"You know you could have."

I've sung him back to sleep so many times but like I said, he hates to disturb me. I put my hands on his hips and kissed his neck just because he looked so sad. I could tell from his wrinkled forehead and distracted expression that I'd obviously caught him deep in thought, worrying about something. Late night (or early morning) is never a good time for thinking, everything seems darker and negative. I decided to try and change his face for him.

"Can't say I'm hating your new pj's though." I ran my finger beneath the waistband and pulled at the boxers a little. In case you were wondering, Gerard doesn't actually wear pj's, neither of us do.

My plan worked; he smiled.

"How tiny is your ass? They are squeezing the life out of me," Gerard said with a smirk.

Okay, I've got a ridiculously teeny, tiny ass so naturally my pants are small but they aren't that small for Gerard. They were tight but sexy tight, like second skin, leaving nothing to even my dirty imagination kind of tight.

"Let's get you out of them then." The only thing better than Gee in my pants is Gee in no pants.

I took his cup from his hands and put it in the sink next to him. With the hot coffee out of the way I could get right up against him as I kissed him. As I was moving my lips against his I thought of a better idea, something sexy and dirty before I got my boxers back.

"Or maybe I should make you cum in my pants," I whispered then ran my hand over the front of my boxers. I could feel the warmth of him through the thin material.

"There's no room for anything else in them," he tried to reply coolly but his body betrayed him; his back arched and he bowed towards my touch.

"I'm sure we can make a bit of space," I winked at him as I spoke; it was much cooler than what he had attempted. I pushed one hand under the waistband and found plenty of room. Well, enough to do what I had in mind at least.

It didn’t take much stroking and teasing to get Gee hard, especially combined with my lips all over his throat. He was already trying to work himself into my grip when I finally tightened my fist around him and started to jerk him off.

After a less than a minute though his face froze and he squeezed my arms. It was incredibly unlikely but I had to check, the signs were there.

"Already?" I whispered but he shook his head. I didn't have a chance to be relieved though because his face had changed and he looked scared. I stopped moving my hand and looked into his eyes; his unexplained fear was worrying me. "What?"

"There's something outside," Gerard whispered then looked over my shoulder towards the window.

Looking back it’s like the set up from a cheesy horror movie. I half expected a guy in a mask waving a knife at my window. But Gerard hadn't said someone, he said ‘something’.

"Something?" I repeated.

I had to look, curiosity was killing me and Gerard looked terrified. I wasn't scared, not a macho thing; I don't believe in the supernatural and I'll kick the shit out of anything living that's stupid enough to take me on. That does sound a bit macho, let's balance it out by saying I wasn't scared by anything at my window because I had my hands on the only living thing with the power to hurt me. There; macho, sweet and kinda disgusting all in one skinny, tattooed package… what a catch.

Anyway, I looked over my shoulder and out of the window. Gerard was wrong, it was definitely a someone although I know some people who would call Lauren a ‘something’. Lauren started off harmless enough, an over eager fan, but turning up at my kitchen window at 3am definitely reclassified her as a stalker.

I turned my attention back to Gerard. He was still looking scared but I was stuck between angry and incredulous. I didn't even want to think about how Lauren knew where I lived or why she was hanging around at such a ridiculous time.

"It's Lauren," I said it like a swear word.

"Lauren the fangirl?" Gerard asked but his face didn't relax.

Told you before that Gee doesn't miss anything. I'd only told him once about Lauren's attempts at seducing every member of the band at every show (unless we happen to spot her first and take evasive action, that being shoving Trick in her direction and running) but Gerard remembered. He even wanted in on our bet and I was tempted to let him until he joked that he wanted to put his savings on me, at least I hope he was joking… he would have lost all of his hard earned money anyway.

"Yeah, that's her," I confirmed. Gerard still looked afraid so I begrudgingly pulled my hand out so I was ready to tackle Lauren.

“She knows you’re gay, right?”

“Don’t you think it was the first thing I told her? She doesn’t believe me though, thinks it’s some kind of excuse. How the hell does she know where I live?"

"Should we call the police?" Gerard said softly.

It seemed like a sensible idea but had Lauren committed a crime? I wasn't sure the police would be able to do anything. It was scaring Gee though and I could hardly beat up Lauren without getting arrested myself. I was running through options in my head when Gerard put his hands on my ass.

That was surprising.

I thought he was scared but touching my bare ass was a funny way to show it. I looked into his eyes and saw they had changed. Gerard looked strong, like he was preparing for a fight, to defend. As I raised a questioning eyebrow at him I understood. He didn't want Lauren looking at me, Gee wasn't grabbing my ass; he was trying to hide it.

Even though I didn’t miss the boundary breaking, caring action of looking after me, to be honest, it made me a little scared… for Lauren. I had a feeling that if Gerard was wearing more than just my boxers then he would have marched outside and torn Lauren to shreds. Gerard is scarily strong, he's fierce and determined which makes a deadly combination.

“Easy, Mr Exhibitionist,” I said, wiggling my ass a little so he knew what I was talking about.

“Shut up.” Gerard turned that almighty anger onto me; I probably would have been more scared if his well placed hands hadn’t given me an idea to hopefully get rid of Lauren for good.

“Actually… that might work to our advantage.”

“You want me to jack off in front of Lauren?” Gerard looked as appalled as he sounded.

“Not you – me. She doesn’t believe I’m gay but we could show her I am.”

“You are kidding?” Gerard said then gave me a look like he was questioning my sanity.

“Come on, you love shit like this. Am I really gonna have to beg you to bend me over the counter and fuck me?” I knew it wouldn’t come to that… I mean, I would if that’s what it took but it’s Gee; it was never in doubt.

“No… probably not.”

"Think you can be loud enough to rattle the windows?" I whispered. Neither of us are particularly quiet and I knew I could make Gee scream.

"Aren't I always?" Gerard responded. Never mind the windows, he's rattled my fillings before.

I clearly still had a little sleepiness running around my brain because without even realising Gerard had put his hands on my hips I was suddenly facing the window. His firm hand was over my spine, pressing me forwards over the counter.

 “I want you, Gee. I need your cock inside me,” I all but screamed, for both Gee’s and Lauren’s benefit. Gerard’s next words were at the complete opposite end of the scale though; both in terms of volume and sexual allure.

“I haven’t got a condom,” he whispered in against my ear.

Well, fuck,

Didn’t that just screw up my perfect fucking plan?

“Improvise?”

I thought I was being pretty clear but Gerard’s silence and lack of action had me concerned he was thinking about dumping out my cereal and fashioning a very painful and ineffective condom out of the inner bag. To clue him in, I reached for his hand and forced his fingers in my mouth.

He caught on quick enough, pressing one finger into me when I gave him his hand back. I was extra loud, really letting out a prolonged moan as Gee dug his other hand into my hip.

 “More, Frankie?” Gee’s voice was a little shaky and I didn’t miss the concern there, more for me than himself; he wasn’t scared about Lauren anymore, just worried he was hurting me.

“Yeah, baby. Give me it all,” I said confidently, I could take it… good job since he got another finger in there a second after I finished speaking.

I went from moaning to screaming in an instant when Gerard pressed against my prostate. I wasn’t really expecting him to get there so quickly but he did. And then he was fucking me… with his fingers I mean.

Gerard was good at faking it. Wait! Not like that; he’s never faked it with me… I think. Fuck. No, he definitely hasn’t. I mean he was good at faking sex… simulating the act. I could feel him digging into me because he was throwing his whole body at me in time with his hand movements, just like we really were having sex.

There wasn’t much I could do, being bent over and held down by him, but I managed to shuffle just enough to let his dick slip against my stomach. I tried to direct it so it hit my own hard cock and I knew it was the right choice when he started moaning along with me.

“You’re so fucking good, Frankie,” he screamed, making me even more determined to keep everything exactly where it was.

“Harder, Gee.” I tried to shout but I came out more like a panted half demand. He got it though; he got his fingers that fraction deeper to nudge my sweet spot and make me shudder.

I was so lost in my own pleasure that I didn’t realise Gee was so close to the edge; I just heard him cry out and then felt him exploding over my stomach. God, it was fucking hot. Between that and him still pressing deep inside me, I didn’t have anything left. Even as I came I could feel my stomach flipping at the thought that I was doing what Gerard had just done in exactly the same place.

As we both shivered, our bodies slowly coming down, I wondered if Lauren was still outside. I knew standing up wasn’t a good idea, a full frontal view of me was probably gonna undo all of our hard work, I didn’t exactly want to see her face either so I turned to my head towards Gee.

"Is she still there?" I asked quietly

"Don't think so, hang on though, stay away from the window," Gerard said after a prolonged silence.

I stood up and turned around in one motion, keeping my eyes well away from the window. I stepped away, remembering Gerard’s abandoned coffee in the sink. I didn’t turn around just in case, I waited in silence. Gerard must have really wanted to be sure Lauren had gone because it felt like forever before he spoke.

"She's gone, Frankie," I heard Gerard say softly. I turned around and saw he had collected my boxers for me but I didn’t need them if Lauren had really gone. I took them anyway.

"They look better on you," I said because they did (and still do) I dropped them back to the floor and put the cup back in the sink so I could put my arms around him. I kissed him gently, open mouthed but no tongue, it was an affectionate kiss to let him know I appreciated him.

When I pulled away, bam; number twenty was right there waiting for me. It was tinged with sleep but the look was definitely there, I saw it just before his eyelids drooped and obscured my view.

I allowed myself a small laugh, Gee was unbelievably cute, all tired and unknowingly in love with me. He was suddenly exhausted and I could see his body sagging. I scooped him into my arms and held him tight against my chest. His eyes didn’t open again as I carried him through to the stairs.

Gerard was asleep when I got halfway up the stairs so I spoke to him like I often did back then while he slept, to say all the things I couldn’t say to him while he was awake.

"One of these days you're gonna realise, Gee. And I'm gonna be right here, I'm always waiting," I whispered.

I smiled as I imagined the day he would say the words I was waiting for, it didn’t seem so far away anymore. I kissed his forehead, gently so I didn’t disturb him, then laid him back in my bed before climbing in next to him.

 

Just as an aside, the Lauren plan was a complete success. At the next gig Lauren actually avoided me, she didn’t even look at me when I was on stage and when we left she was waiting at the side door to try her luck with the other three.

Over the weeks she did start to show me some attention again but she has never directly tried to hit on me since.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies, I'm struggling a little with life and motivation. I'll try to be better but no promises.

I’m a showman, a lead singer, the king of confidence and swagger when I’m on stage… okay, yeah, an arrogant bastard.

It was completely my own fault that I fell off stage that night.

We were playing at a bar one Saturday night, we had played there a few times before but the place had never been so full. We were almost at the end of the set, I think we only had two songs to go and the crowd were loving us.

Ray is the best out of us all, the strongest in his particular field, and he was completely nailing a crazy, complicated guitar solo. It didn’t leave me much to do, it doesn’t go down that well if I just stand there and watch the guys play.

So I was just trying to keep the crowd going, strutting around in a manner Mick Jagger would be proud of, a true performer. I don’t even really know how I managed it, one minute I was prancing around then I felt the microphone cable tighten around my foot and I was tumbling off the front of the stage.

I don’t know if I happened to fall just in front of the crowd or if they all unhelpfully stepped away as they saw me fall (I refuse to stage dive just in case that happens). The band just kept playing like true pros as Lauren rushed forward to help me to my feet, I appreciated the help but I don’t know why she needed to touch my ass so much to get me upright.

I pulled myself back up onto the stage but my shoulder burned as I did and I almost passed out from the pain. I hadn’t brought the microphone back up with me and my face was throbbing so I looked at each of the guys then staggered backstage.

They seamlessly played the song to a natural sounding ending then rushed off stage to find me. They didn’t have to look far, I was slumped just behind the curtain, my back against the wall, holding my arm like it was gonna fall out of its socket.

“Get some ice for his face,” Ray yelled at Patrick. “You okay, man?” Ray asked me at a normal volume.

I guessed I didn’t look it because not even Pete was making a joke about my fall. Patrick didn’t wait to hear my answer; he went back out on stage, the quickest route to the bar for ice.

“Not really, wish it was just bruised pride but my shoulder is fucked,” my lip felt like it was swelling already and my words were a little slurred due to it.

“You look rough, dude,” Pete offered.

Patrick was back with a tall glass full of ice. He held it out towards me and I just looked at him.

“Idiot,” Pete snarled and snatched the glass from Patrick.

“Can you stand?” Ray asked.

I wasn’t sure so I tried but it was hard work without using my left arm. Ray helped by pulling me up by my right arm and Patrick reached for my left.

“No, fuckwit,” Pete said before Patrick could get his hands on me. Patrick looked confused and Pete shook his head.

“I’m fine, Trick. I hit my left shoulder, probably best not to pull on it,” I told him.

“Fuckwit,” Pete repeated.

“Sorry, I’m not good in a crisis,” Patrick said in a shaky voice. We all knew that.

“Just open the door so we can get him back there,” Ray said as he nodded towards the door leading to the dressing room. Ray kept hold of my right arm but I was okay to walk, I hadn’t hurt my legs apart from scuffed knees.

“I’m okay now I’m up, it’s just my shoulder,” I told Ray but he didn’t let go.

“And your face, pretty boy,” Pete added.

“Still better than yours,” I managed to shoot back as I walked through the door Patrick held open, closely followed by Ray still clutching onto me.

Pete shook the ice into two towels as I sat in a chair in the dressing room. He held one under my t-shirt, against my shoulder, and gave me the other in my right hand. I looked at it because I didn’t really know why he had made two ice packs.

“For your face,” Ray prompted.

Oh yeah, how had I forgotten that?

Now Ray had mentioned it the left side of my face was on fire. I held the ice pack against my eye even though my cheek and lip hurt worst; I didn’t want my eye to swell shut.

“Thanks, guys,” I mumbled. My lip felt huge and I could taste blood now.

“You’re welcome, you dick,” Pete said. Patrick was still too startled to speak. Ray punched Pete, probably for calling me a dick. “Hold this, me and Trick will clear up,” Pete said to Ray, pointing to the cold bundle. Ray took Pete’s place holding the ice pack on my shoulder and the other two left to sort out our equipment.

“How do I look, really?” I asked Ray once they had left.

“Bad but not the worst I’ve seen you,” Ray said quietly. I nodded at Ray’s distracted face, knowing exactly where his mind was.

Bert breaking my nose had been the final straw in our dysfunctional relationship. I can always remember Ray’s face when I turned up at his place, my tear streaked face saying so much more than my bleeding, swollen nose could. Ray didn’t even ask; he already knew Bert had done it. After he had helped me clean up and I’d fallen asleep on his couch, Ray went straight to Bert’s and beat the shit out of him. He also collected the few possessions I had there and brought them back to me, telling me I’d never have to deal with the guy again.

“How are you feeling?” Ray said, shaking his head a little to clear the jarring memory.

“Like a dick,” I replied then laughed to lighten the mood. “Nah, just in a hell of a lot of pain.”

“How hard did you hit your head?” Ray sounded worried.

“I landed on my face. No headaches, no blurred vision, no nausea; I’m not concussed and I’m not going into shock, Ray,” I covered all bases because I knew exactly what he was thinking.

“Are you gonna let me take you to the hospital?” Ray asked even though he knew what I was gonna say.

“Nope, it’s not that bad. I’ll sleep it off and if my shoulder still hurts in the morning then I’ll go somewhere,” I lied, the pain was bad but I had no intention of going anywhere except home. My eye was getting cold so I moved the ice pack to my lip. Ray was quiet while he digested my words and seemingly formulated a plan.

“Are you seeing Gee tonight?”

“With a face like this?” I joked but Ray didn’t laugh. “No, he’s coming over tomorrow.”

“I don’t think you should be alone tonight,” Ray said with concern. I knew he was worried I was concussed and something might happen to me overnight.

“He’s not my boyfriend, Ray, much less my babysitter.”

“I know that but your other options are one of us stays with you or you go to the hospital, so pick,” he said firmly.

Ray is such a mother hen sometimes.

There was no way I was going to hospital to admit I fell off stage. If Pete stayed he would spend the night laughing at me. Patrick passes out if he sees his own blood. Ray would just constantly fuss. I liked the Gee option best but like I said to Ray, at that point, Gerard wasn’t my boyfriend and shit like this definitely breached the boundaries. I moved my ice pack away and turned to look at Ray.

“I’ll call you every hour if you want so you know I’m alive but no hospital and no babysitter,” I countered his proposal.

“At least tell Gee what you’ve done. He might surprise you, it might make him see…” Ray dangled that carrot like a pro. The fucker.

“Alright, I’ll call him when I get home. He needs to know anyway, don’t want him turning up tomorrow and seeing this without a warning,” I pointed to my face. It felt swollen and sore and slightly numb from the ice… pretty much like my heart.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! So... it's been a while!  
> Between having a baby, some seriously fucked wrists and zero time to open my laptop this poor fic has been ignored!  
> If you're still reading it then hi and thanks! Your patience is appreciated!  
> Good news is that when I opened my laptop for the first time in a million years it turns out I've almost actually finished this fic so I'll try to throw up some chapters pretty quick since I've got some done then I'll try and write alongside it so I don't have a huge gap in posting!  
> But, you know me... so no promises it'll be 100% regular!

Pete drove me home in my car, Ray and Patrick followed in the van to take Pete home after. They made sure I got into my house and got me settled on the couch with some water and more ice before they left.

I was gonna call Gee thanks to Ray’s words but I didn’t know what to say to him: ‘Hi, baby, I’m a complete idiot who fell off the stage and smashed my face in, please love me!’ not exactly ideal. And texting held the same problem.

Well, a picture is worth a thousand words so I snapped a quick selfie to send him. I looked fucking gruesome though and I didn’t want him to worry so I added a line before I sent it to downplay the injury: 'Sexy, huh?'

I needed to piss so I struggled to my feet without using my left arm (harder than you think) and made my way upstairs. Doing anything one handed when you’re used to two hands is an adjustment so it took me longer than usual.

When I finally got back on the couch, exhausted from the effort, my phone flashed with a new message. There was also a missed call from Gerard. The text was from him too so I opened it: 'What the fuck has happened?? I'm on my way xx'.

Uh oh, two question marks and a missed call; he was panicking. And he was on his way. He couldn’t really be coming here though? Why would he? Ray’s words ran through my head but I ignored them and text Gee back: 'Long story, are you really coming here?'

I closed my eyes and tried to move my shoulder gently in different directions to work out where the pain was the most severe. It didn’t feel broken, I could move it, I decided I had just jarred it or pulled it or something when I fell.

One hard knock on my front door made my eyes spring open. My first thought was Ray had come back to be my sleep over buddy but then I realised Gerard hadn’t replied to my text. I struggled up from the couch again to answer the door.

I opened my front door and my heart hurt as much as my shoulder when I saw Gee on my doorstep. He looked absolutely devastated, his face was contorted with upset and concern, it was the most emotional I had seen him since I first met him.

Gerard didn’t speak so I opened my mouth to ask him why he had come but I didn’t get chance. He launched himself at me and squeezed me so hard around my waist that I don’t know how he didn’t break something. I put my right arm around him and hugged him back. His face was buried in my chest so I kissed the top of his head in greeting.

"Hey, where's all this come from?" I asked him softly. I knew where it had come from but I wanted to know if he knew. Gee pulled back from me to look at my face and I knew from his frantic eyes that he didn’t know, not yet.

"Look at you. Have you been fighting?" Gerard said in a shaky voice. A logical assumption I guess since he knew I’d been at a gig in a rough bar. Gerard held out one hand towards my face but stopped just short of touching me. His face was crumbling.

"Come in, I'll explain."

I didn’t want him to have a breakdown on my doorstep so I let go of him and he reluctantly moved away from me so I could close the door. Gee went into my front room and I followed him, yes, checking out his ass on route.

Gerard sat in the middle of my couch and I sat down by him so I could put my right arm over his shoulder. Sounds a bit weird but it felt nice that Gerard was so worried about me; even though he thought I had been fighting he was still there to see how I was. I had to stop him worrying though.

"I wasn't fighting, it's nowhere near as cool as that," I said casually. I looked into his panicked eyes and didn’t see any change. I thought that would be enough to ease his worry but obviously not. His eyes searched mine like he was trying to see into my head to pluck out the story for himself. "So I got my foot caught in the mic cable and fell off stage," I admitted quietly. I shrugged as I explained to downplay the incident but it pulled my shoulder, obviously, and I flinched from the jolt of pain.

"What hurts?" Gerard barked. He lifted his hands from his lap but then just let them hang in the air, waiting for me to answer him before he made any attempt to touch me.

"My shoulder," I told him because my face was fairly obvious. I rotated my shoulder for emphasis, not a great idea because the pulling made me wince. I probably should have gone to the hospital. Gerard pulled a face too like he was in pain.

"Take your shirt off," he demanded. Sexy. Even in my damaged state his words got a small reaction, just a bit. I can’t resist him. I knew it wasn’t what he meant though, he was being unintentionally sexy, he just wanted to see how bad my shoulder looked. I hoped he could recall that tone later for the bedroom though.

"No offence but I'm not really in the mood tonight, Gee," I couldn’t help making a joke. I tried to give him a grin but my lip must have been pretty big because the skin felt tight as I tried to smile.

"Shut up, idiot, I wanna see what you've done to it," he clarified, not that he needed to because I was already trying to pull off my top. That was even harder work than taking a piss but Gerard helped. I had to lay my head back on the couch after it was off though, I was running low on energy and the night was catching up with me.

I felt Gerard get up and move to my other side to take a look at my busted shoulder. The image of Gee in a nurse’s outfit was all I could think about. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

"If you're gonna play nurse then you could at least wear the uniform," I said playfully, flicking my eyes open to look at him.

"If you're gonna play rock star then you could at least learn how to use a microphone," he responded. Pretty quick and funny for Gee.

"Touché." I had to give him that one.

"What kind of pain is it?" Gerard asked.  
I nearly made another joke, something about me being the one that ditched out of my medical degree, not him but then I remembered that he didn’t know that about me. Also, he was obviously worried and wanted an actual answer.

"Dull and constant but worse if I move it," I explained. Gerard was touching my shoulder softly, pushing and probing different areas. I let him because I knew it was probably muscular and he couldn’t do any more damage. I closed my eyes and leant back on the couch again.

Nurse Gee had obviously completed his assessment because he moved his hand from my shoulder. I waited for his verdict but the next thing I felt was the ice pack on my cheek. I sighed at the relief the coolness brought to my face and I felt Gerard’s lips on my forehead.

"Probably just muscular, from the impact of the fall," was Gerard’s diagnosis. I thought it was rude to tell him I already knew so I didn’t say anything. "You dumbass," he added then laughed. I was glad he had stopped worrying so much and I smiled. "Are you tired? Do you want me to go?" I heard him say. Now he was here I didn’t want him to leave.

"No, no," I answered quickly.

I flicked my heavy eyelids open and reached for him but I forgot about my shoulder and used the wrong arm. The pain caught me off guard and my face probably showed how much it hurt.

"Stop moving," he said firmly in that unintentionally sexy, demanding tone. I was definitely buying Gee a nurse uniform when I felt better. He put the ice pack on the coffee table and used his cold hands to massage my shoulder. It felt amazing and I moaned as his fingers soothed the aching.

"That feels really good," I told him in case he misinterpreted my moan as a sound of pain (though at this point in our relationship I’m sure Gee was more than familiar with the sound of me moaning with pleasure). I closed my eyes again as he continued to rub my shoulder.  
I didn’t feel myself drifting off to sleep but I clearly did because the next thing I knew it was Sunday morning.

 

I woke up on the couch, still sat upright and I remembered about my fall when I struggled to get my left eye open. I was surprised to see Gerard sat by my side in pretty much the same position he had been when he was rubbing my shoulder the night before.

I was even more surprised to see look number twenty one though. It wasn’t just in his eyes this time, it took over his entire face and it made my breath catch in my throat. My face pulled into a smile and my cheek throbbed. I automatically raised my hand to touch where it hurt. I had to say something but I was sleepy, okay?

"Have you been here all night?"

Stupidest question ever since he was sat in the same position and in the same clothes as the night before. I am a dumbass. Gee nodded as his eyelids drooped. I took another shot at asking him covertly if he knew he was in love with me yet.

“Why?"

"You fell asleep, like really quick, I don't know, I was thinking you might be concussed or something," he said in a small voice. His soft, concerned tone and the look on his face squeezed my heart in my chest.

"Baby..." I was thinking about saying it, telling him I loved him but I needed some strength so I reached out to touch his face. He closed his eyes at my touch and his head flopped against my hand. He sighed and I thought for an instant that he had fallen asleep.

It was suddenly obvious to me; he hadn’t just stayed with me all night, he had stayed awake all night. I was so shocked that my brain was struggling to believe it. I had to ask him.

"Have you been awake all night?" I said quietly just in case he really was asleep.  
"Yeah, in case you died or something," he murmured sleepily.

His words and actions reminded me of the conversation between Ray and me about concussion and babysitters. I was laughing softly about it when Gee’s face fell from my hand and his head bumped onto my bare chest.

Gerard doesn’t snore but I knew he was asleep from his breathing pattern; it’s a sound I was already in tune with, even back then. I used my good hand to stroke his hair and face as he slept. I genuinely couldn’t believe he had spent all night awake watching me in case I ‘died or something’ but he still didn’t know he loved me. I remember wondering what it was going to take for him to finally see, I wondered briefly if he would ever see.

Then he started talking.

I never knew Gerard spoke in his sleep until that moment. At first he just mumbled and I thought he was waking up but he stayed still. Then he started muttering my name. The first time I answered him but when he just said my name again and nuzzled his head against my chest I realised he was asleep.

It was cute, like unbelievably cute, I just wanted to hold him closer but thanks to my messed up shoulder I couldn’t. So I just watched him and listened to him. I could see his eyes twitching beneath his pale lids and I wondered what he was dreaming about until he pretty much told me that too.

“Don’t die, Frankie,” he whispered against my skin. I wasn’t sure I’d heard him right and I silently willed him to speak again. I strained my ears as I waited for any sound but I didn’t need to, the next time it was so loud and clear I thought he really was awake.

I committed the words, the sound, to memory and I sat there grinning like an idiot about it until he woke up.

 

Gerard woke up just after lunch time with his face still against my chest. I heard his breathing change then he put one hand on my chest and the other on my thigh so he could push himself upright. He was rubbing the back of her neck when he looked at me. The look was gone and in its place was a temporary expression of horror but it quickly faded. I guessed he had forgotten about my injuries until he saw me.

"Good nap?" I asked him. I’d definitely enjoyed it.

"Sorry," he said but he didn’t need to apologise. I took hold of his hand so he knew I really meant my next words.

"You didn't need to stay up all night to watch me."

Don’t get me wrong, I was more than touched that he had but I didn’t want him to be inconvenienced by me. Missing a whole night of sleep was beyond the call of duty for friends with benefits, he had to know that much, right? Gee answered me with a nonchalant shrug like it was no big deal.

"How are you feeling?" Gee asked me. I had no idea how I looked but it must have been pretty bad because it had been enough to jolt him when he woke up. I was aching too.

"Shoulder isn't too bad, I'm a little stiff from sleeping here in the same position. My face feels pretty fucked up, how does it look?" I moved my face closer to his to give him a decent view of my war wounds.

"You aren't gonna be winning any beauty contests any time soon. It's less swollen but it looks just as painful," he ran one finger under my eye as he spoke. Gee was right, it was just as painful but my face was worse than my shoulder now.  
Gerard yawned when he finished his sentence and I almost did the same. I couldn’t believe I had slept all night, I felt like I’d barely had an hour of rest.

"You haven't had enough sleep and I don't feel like I have either," I said and he nodded. "I'm going to bed and you're more than welcome to join me." I hoped he would.

No, not because I wanted to fuck him. Well alright, I did but that wasn’t why I said it. I wanted to be near him; his presence was comforting, like a natural pain relief. Gee smiled and helped me get up from the couch.

"Go on, I'll be there in a minute," he said, making my heart skip a beat.

I managed to walk up the stairs alright but getting my jeans off was another issue. Tight jeans and one hand are not a good combination and I almost damaged my right shoulder too trying to get them off. My boxers came off with the jeans and I was more than relieved because it saved me another one handed battle.

I had only just managed to crawl into bed when Gerard appeared in the doorway. He had brought me some more water and painkillers, his thoughtfulness made me smile. Gerard’s clothes joined mine on the floor, nothing will ever be bad enough that I won’t be able to enjoy watching Gee take his clothes off.

Gee climbed into my bed and pressed his bare flesh against mine. Yeah, I wasn’t in that much pain that my body didn’t react to that too. He kissed my chest then put his head on it with his eyes closed. I put my arm around him and I decided the sleep talking could be another useful nudge.

"Do me a favour, Gee, can you shut up this time so I can sleep as well?"

Gerard opened one eye to look at me and I had to smile.

"I don't snore and you know it," he closed his eye as he answered me.

"No, but you talk," I played my hand and it worked. He didn’t open his eyes, he didn’t even move; I’d got him. He sighed and I wondered if he would try and deny it. I laughed at his reluctance to respond.  
"I'll try my best," he said in a firm voice. He wasn’t amused that I’d discovered his secret and his stoic stance on the whole thing made me laugh more. "Am I funnier when I'm talking in my sleep than when I try to be funny awake?" There was the tiniest hint of venom in his tone.

"Funny? You're never funny, Gee," I told him and laughed a little more. Gee wasn’t laughing though and I didn’t want to annoy him when he had been so good to me. "Maybe more honest, vulnerable..." I started but he cut me off.

"Don't tell me to be quiet then run your mouth, spit it out, what did I say?" Gerard snapped.

Aww, he was embarrassed. I could see his cheeks starting to blush and it made the whole thing even cuter. I took a breath and made sure my voice was serious so he knew this wasn’t part of the joke, that I was telling the truth.

" 'Don't die, Frankie' " I quoted.

Gerard’s cheeks turned even redder and he didn’t say anything. I wasn’t expecting an answer, I just wanted him to know that I knew. I kissed his hair and made him a promise.

"I won't


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I got distracted with other fics!  
> I'm gonna try and make the chapters a little bigger from here on in :)
> 
> Also sorry the spacing is all fucked up - something to do with transferring from my laptop to phone to ao3 and I just haven't got the time to adjust it :/

Number twenty two is more of an anecdote, mainly because I can’t really remember the surrounding details like where we had been or where we were going (I could guess or make it up but then what’s the point in that?) and it all happened so quickly.

Patrick was in my car and I was driving, like I said not sure where to or where from but we were driving through the town centre around lunch time one weekday. We were talking about Ray’s girlfriend Yasmin because she was trying to make Ray cut his hair and he really didn’t want to.

I spotted Gee waiting to cross the road ahead. I smiled as I looked at him walking around in a lunchtime day dream like all the other nine to five worker bees on the street. I slowed down as I approached, fully intending to stop for him.

I remembered about Patrick sat next to me in the passenger seat so as I came to a stop I asked him to find a CD that I knew wasn’t in my glove compartment to keep him busy and his eyes away from Gee.

Gee stepped onto the road and turned his head towards my car. He raised his hand in a polite wave to thank me for stopping. I returned the gesture with a huge grin as he recognised me. Gee slowed his pace as he examined me through my windscreen, a small smile playing around his lips. I looked him up and down and mouthed the word ‘hot’ with my eyebrows raised. He giggled and locked eyes with me as he passed the front of my car.

It was just a flash, maybe because he didn’t stop walking throughout the whole incident, but he shot me number twenty two right through the glass. I blew out a massive gust of air as he puckered his lips at me before he turned to look where he was going to get to the other side of the road.

There was no point idling because he went straight into the deli on the other side of the road so I slammed my foot onto the accelerator as Patrick looked up to tell me he couldn’t find the CD.

I laughed then sang him the first three songs from the absent CD while we drove to wherever the hell it was we were going. I think I was dropping Trick at work, not that it’s important.

 

Number twenty three, the last look, the one that finally kicked my ass into gear and woke up Gerard. The most intense one and, really, the only one that counts.

Gerard rang me just after 5pm on the Thursday, he must have literally just left work and called me straight away.

“Hey, baby,” I answered.

“Guess where I’m going Saturday night?” was the first thing he said.

“If it’s not my bed then I don’t wanna know.”

That morning I had bagged us both tickets to a last minute surprise gig. I bought one for Gee because he loves the band too. I had a crisis after I bought them though because I thought he might think it was too couple-like. I decided I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t ever tell Gerard about the tickets.

“Maybe after but first I’ve got a gig to go to,” Gee said happily. I clearly knew what he meant and he knew I would.

“No way, how did you get a ticket?” I should have assumed Gerard would find a way, he’s determined and has always been more than capable of looking after himself.

“Work’s internet connection and an extra long toilet break refreshing the web page on my phone,” he said proudly.

“Bet I bagged my ticket before you then, I was refreshing from the minute I woke up.” I didn’t tell him I had two, there was no need since he had his own. I just hoped we could go together.

“You didn’t!” Gee squealed then laughed.

“Yep, you need a ride?” There was no way he would have sorted his transport.

“Are you kidding? That would be amazing,” he said and it made me smile.

“That’s what friends are for,” I told him but he couldn’t see my massive grin.

He looked so good when I picked him up that night. I had made an assumption it was for my benefit but he was only too happy to joke about fucking the singer... at least I hope he was joking. Even if he wasn’t I didn’t miss the leery looks the lead singer and the bass player were giving him and I wasn’t prepared to find out just how much Gee really liked the band.

As soon as they were off stage Gee’s words backstage were in my head and it suddenly seemed more than a joke. The way he was dressed had definitely got him noticed, as I’m sure he intended, and I was worried a backstage pass was heading his way.

I had to get Gee out of there. In my panic I grabbed his hand and started pulling him out of the venue before the houselights even came up. I had to shove my way past some pretty big guys and I don’t know how I didn’t start a fight but I got him out of the place before some teenage crew member with a laminated card on a string could find him.

"Worried there was a backstage pass with my name on it?" Gerard said with a smirk once we were outside in the car park. So subtlety isn’t my strong point, okay?

"I think there was probably more than one," I told him honestly.

I’ll never ever know how I managed to land a guy as hot as Gee.

We hardly spoke on the drive home; it wasn’t an awkward silence though, I was thinking about how close Gerard had been to his backstage dream. I knew exactly what he was thinking when half way back to town he started rubbing my leg, really working his fingers into my thigh. I was speeding to get us back to his place then.

"Cut the engine," Gerard said in a quiet but firm voice once I pulled up at his building. I did exactly what I was told then he moved like a ninja. He was somehow sat on my lap and kissing me. I was shocked at the speed of him and the intensity but I caught up pretty quick.

I tried to yank his top off but I was struggling, because mainly he was rubbing against me. I don’t mean just like a bit of sexy grinding to get things going, I mean like he was basically fucking me through my jeans. I could feel him moaning against my mouth so I gave up and pushed my hands under the material to play with his hard nipples. He was really going for it and I was getting dizzy so I broke the kiss.

"Fuck, Gee, give me a chance to get to my zipper," I managed to stutter out once my mouth was free. He didn’t say anything; he just opened his own jeans and tugged them off with his boxers too.

I had intended to undo my pants but I was too distracted; Gee already had his fingers in his mouth, sucking on them while he stared at me. My mouth went dry at the sight, my stomach twisting with pure desire for him. I knew it wasn’t going to be a quick hand job for either of us when he moved his fingers to his ass.

“I haven’t got a condom,” I said, frustration making me sound more desperate.

“I don’t care if you don’t,” Gee’s words went straight to my dick, not that I needed any help getting hard.

As long as I’d know Gee I’d wanted to fuck him without a condom; I knew I was clean but I didn’t know, especially at the start of our relationship, who he was sleeping with or how safe he was being with them. I wanted it though… bad enough that I decided it was worth a trip to the clinic.

“I’ll pull out,” I said, fully intending to. I didn’t want him to think he was going to catch anything from me, not that pulling out would really stop that, but I also didn’t want him to feel pressured to let me finish inside him.

I barely had my dick out and he was on it, my hands nearly got trapped he was that quick. And he was moving within a second, putting all of his effort into bouncing on me.

I still had my seatbelt on and there was literally nothing I could do. Gee didn’t need me to help him out anyway so I just sat back and watched him. I love his feisty nature and he is the only man I have ever found even more attractive when he’s in charge of things.

I’m not doing it justice though. Gee was wild, intense, an absolute machine and I wasn’t exactly chilling out smoking a cigar. He was screaming that he needed me and I couldn’t even answer him because I was panting and moaning so much.

Gerard put his hands on my shoulders and moved faster and harder. I wasn’t sure if I could take much more and Gee was struggling to catch his breath, not that it stopped him in any way. He pushed his chest against mine and kissed me; I’d barely got my tongue in his mouth before I felt that tremor moving through him.

Gerard pulled his head back to let out a half choked cry when I got my fingers around him. I was desperate to make him feel as good as he was making me feel so I focussed as much of my attention as I could on stroking him, fast and firm. Gerard called my name like it was the only word he knew as he as spilled over my knuckles.

I could feel every single shudder, every wave of his orgasm as it ripped through his body. He never stopped moving against me and his climax had barely subsided when I felt myself starting to shake.

“Gee… I’m gonna… you gotta…” I tried to warn him but I couldn’t. I pushed on his hips, trying to work him off my lap and away from my body. He wasn’t so keen on that though; he trapped my hands beneath his own and kept rocking his hips against me.

“Do it. I want it, Frank, want you. Own me.”

As if his relentless fucking wasn’t enough, his words were probably the sexiest thing I’d ever experienced. I really hoped he meant it cos saying that made me lose the last fraction of self control I had; I wanted to say his name but had to settle for the bone shaking groan that tore out of me as I pressed hard into him and came where I’d always wanted to.

Gee all but collapsed onto me, resting his head on my shoulder while he tried to breathe normally. I stroked his hair and kissed his head while we both panted together. Gerard sat back and looked into my eyes, a hint of guilt shining in them.

“Sorry,” he said meekly.

“Sorry? Gee, never be sorry for fucking me like that.”

I didn’t want him to think the whole thing had been a mistake so I smiled at him, letting too much emotion slip into my features. Gee looked back into my eyes with number twenty three shining from his face. It was the most intense one I had seen, it was in his eyes, his expression, I swear even his body was saying it.

Gee looked like he was internally debating something and a thrill went through me as I hoped he had finally seen the truth. I thought he was going to speak; his mouth opened slightly, he wet his lips with the tip of his tongue, but then he clamped his mouth firmly shut when I yawned.

Yep, perfect fucking timing or what? I obviously didn’t mean to do it, I didn’t even know it was on the horizon then it happened and Gerard did not seem happy about it.

"Am I boring you?" Gee snapped at me. Talk about a mood swing. I was instantly disheartened when he pulled off me to return to his seat but I guessed the yawn was offensive enough. I played it casual, not easy to do when he was clearly pissed off with me but the look was still there.

"Never. More like you've worn me out, baby. Mind if I crash here?" I knew I could win him over and if I could stay the night then I could spend all of Sunday making up for my ill timed yawn.

"Sure, the spare room is made up," he said in a voice that I’m sure he thinks was offhand but I know him too well; he was more than happy and there was no way I was sleeping in the spare room.

Gee tried to hide his face by looking down to pull on his clothes and getting of the car in a hurry but his voice had already given him away.

We both went straight upstairs to Gee’s bedroom and undressed. We debated showering (together) but Gerard was exhausted and I was fascinated that look number twenty three was still hanging around so I just agreed to do whatever the hell he wanted.

Once we were in bed I was too scared to stop looking at him, just in case the look slipped away. He had to know now, surely? It was written all over his face. I kissed him, I only meant to give him one gentle kiss but once I started I couldn’t stop.

I’d kissed Gerard a lot in the time I’d know him but never like right then. It was first date, cinema back row, teenage boyfriends kissing. Gee was as into it as I was and I still think it’s the best kiss I’ve ever had, even better than the first time I felt his lips, because I knew what it meant. I pulled away because I needed the air and also I had to check.

The look was there and I knew then that it was never going to leave, it was there for good and it was way past time that he knew the truth. I had to tell him. A true now or never moment.

"Gerard, can I talk to you? You will probably think it's against the rules but it's coming from a genuine place," with an opener like that I had left myself no room to back out. He exhaled hugely but nodded so I continued. "How are you feeling?" I pushed myself up on my elbow so I could really see him as we spoke.

"Fine," he said quickly, his eyes darting around in the dark. It reminded me of the night we met and how he fired his name at me. He was nervous, I could tell from his face and voice.

"No, Gee. I mean how are you feeling?" I repeated. He didn’t get what I meant, he looked confused so I gave him a little more. "You seem good, better than good really. The last few months particularly you seem happier, struggling less," my nerves crept in right at the end and I stopped speaking before I said something I regretted. He understood a little more though and I could see him processing my words.

"I guess you're right, smiling does feel pretty normal now," he admitted but his voice was wary, like he didn’t want to give too much away. I wanted him to say what he was holding back so I went all in.

"So what I'm asking, Gerard, is how are you, really? How's that heart of yours?"

I looked him right in his eyes and put my hand on his chest, palm flat over his heart. It was beating faster than normal and I took that as a good sign.

"I... I don't know," he whispered.  
That was not what I expected; I was thinking he would tell me it was healed and he loved me or that it was still mangled beyond repair or maybe that it was none of my business. I had no idea what he meant.

"You don't know?" I echoed. I’m sure my face was showing how confused I was, it wasn’t the way I thought the conversation was going to go. Gee sighed then closed his eyes before he finally told me his truth, how he had got through our restricted relationship up until that point.

"I don't know how my heart is, I barely even feel it. I told you I was broken. I made a choice to seal my emotions away in the hole that was left behind… where my heart used to be, I've got good at ignoring it," the words rushed out of him like he had been keeping hold of them all the time he’d known me and the pressure was suddenly too much.

I was shocked beyond words. How can a person not even feel their own heart? I realised what a huge sacrifice he had made to be with me. Gerard had opened his eyes and was looking at me. I looked back at him with awe for what he had put himself through but I also felt a little sad. Sad that he had made that choice and that he had put himself through so much.

It had to end.

Even if it meant I lost him. I couldn’t let him live his life that way anymore. But his heart felt strong to me and I was so sure that he loved me.

"I feel it, here, under my palm," I told him and pushed my hand against his chest a little tighter.

"I think it’s still in there… part of it, maybe. Sometimes I think it tries to break out. Sometimes the look in your eyes or words you say make it struggle against its bonds," he said softly. ‘Because you love me’ is what I wanted to say but it seemed a little direct. He wouldn’t believe me if I told him. Make him see, that’s what Ray had said.

"So if you don't feel it or ever let it out, how do you know it's still broken?"

Gee had to see the logic there. I made sure my eyes held him so he considered my question seriously, so he felt safe to answer honestly. I finally felt like I was getting somewhere.

"I don't," he whispered and he sounded exhausted, like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. I could work with that but as I thought about what to say next I saw him start to cry. Just one tear but it floored me like a punch to the gut. I couldn’t do it, he was hurt and upset and I couldn’t bear to make him cry.

"I'm sorry, I won't bring it up again," I promised him.

I kissed away the tear from his eye then pulled him against my chest. Because the silence was only intensifying the situation and because it was still in my head I sang to him softly, a stupid ballad from the concert.

I don’t remember either of us falling asleep or even stopping singing but it was darker when I was woken by Gee moving next to me and gasping. My eyes flew open and I reacted instantly, I know how to help him when he has nightmares so I wasn’t fazed.

Gee had his hands around his own throat like something was choking him and he was struggling to breathe, his shallow gasps were the only sound in the room. I put my hands over his and moved them away before he hurt himself.

"Breathe, Gerard. Calm down," I said, composed and quiet.

I looked into his eyes (relieved the look was still there behind the panic) and took a deep breath for him to copy. He took a small breath but he was shaking violently. Gerard has nightmares fairly regularly and we shared a bed nearly every weekend back then but it was the worst I’d ever seen him. I turned on the lamp on Gerard’s bedside table, hoping the light would chase away the last of his nightmare. I kept my breathing level so he had a guide and stroked his face to comfort him. He managed to take a better breath but the shaking wasn’t stopping. His eyes still looked panicked too. This wasn’t a normal nightmare.

"What is it?" I asked.

"How long... how long have you known?" Gerard panted out between breaths.

I froze.

Not a nightmare at all. He knew. He had seen. No going back. I couldn’t tell how he felt about the revelation. And I hadn’t answered him. I was also biting my bottom lip; he knew that I knew, I probably looked guilty as hell.

"I've suspected since summer; something changed, nothing tangible but enough for me to notice," I told him the truth because there was nothing else to hide now. Make or break.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Gee asked me innocently. I shook my head, did he really need me to explain?

"You know how I feel about you, Gerard. If I had told you how you were feeling would you have listened? Believed me? You had to realise it for yourself, Gee." I didn’t mention all the little hints and nudges I’d given him. I wanted him to do the talking now; I had to hear how he was feeling about me, about everything. I was shaking inside as much as Gerard was outwardly.

"You've waited so long," he said in a quiet, emotional voice. He moved his hand to put it over my heart, just like I had done to him before. I nodded because he was right; it wasn’t just the time since I’d met him, I’d been waiting for Gerard my entire life. I realised in that moment, right then, that Gerard is my true other half, my soul mate.

"You're worth every second," I said when I found my voice again. His eyes shone and that told me everything but I still needed to hear it from him. "I am still waiting though..."

He raised one finger at me and kept his eyes on mine as he pulled in a deep breath.

"I love you, Frank," the perfect words out of his perfect mouth. I can’t describe accurately how it made me feel to finally hear him say it. I was beyond euphoric; I have never and will never be as happy as I was in that moment.

"You're damn right you do," I rushed out before I kissed him because I was dying to show him how much I care. I pulled back so I could tell him too. "I love you, Gerard, I always have," I told him for the first time (well, the first time while he was awake to hear it) and I’ve told him every day since. I literally never get bored of saying it (or hearing it).

I kissed him again, just softly rested my lips on his, all sweet and tender and the emotion was overwhelming. Yeah, I cried again but so did Gee. We both had tears running down our cheeks but we were smiling too, we hugged and kissed and cried and we loved each other.  



End file.
